Category: Learning Disability

My Mind

When you hear about a learning disability what do you think? Someone who struggles with school or they struggle with certain things in life and everyday living. Well if you thought that or Googled the definition that’s what you will see in front of you on a screen. Let me tell you what it really looks like inside the mind of an LD kid looks like.

Now I can’t speak for everybody with an LD but I have a feeling that I won’t be far off. This is what my every day looked like. First, why did God put this on me? Then I think how much of a loser am I going to be today? What am I going to screw up or get wrong in the hours ahead of me? Who am I going to disappoint and maybe loose hope and trust from? My family or friends the people I love and that mean the most to me perhaps?

My Everyday

Yes, it’s harsh but it’s the truth. I’m very negative. I have a horrible attitude sometimes. I’m my own worst enemy, and toughest critic and opponent every day. No matter what I do or who I’m going against either in sports or everyday life. No one will ever be tougher and harder to face then myself. Especially after I mess up or do something wrong.

Inside my mind is a constant battle every day. It doesn’t matter how much good or positive I might do in one day, week, or month whatever the time frame is. All I can think about is when I will screw up next and when my next failures are waiting for me around the corner.

My Future Success

Is this healthy absolutely not. Is this a good mindset and a good idea to think this way, absolutely not? Do I recommend people having a mindset and attitude like me absolutely? With all of my struggles and faults and personal imperfections, I carry with me every day or the rest of my life. At the end with all of my issues, that is why I’m going to win and succeed in life. I know what it’s like to feel like a loser and you will never be good enough. Why do you think I’m working so hard now?

I’m working this hard now to be able to provide for my wife and if I’m lucky enough my future kids. Yes, we all have our personal struggles and issues we might face in our life. Some are a short stint, some can be a lifetime. Just because I have been thinking this way the last 22 years of my life is exactly the reason why I’m going to win in life.

My Reality

I might not go on to be a millionaire and buy all of these cool material items why I’m on earth. Sure, that would be awesome and fun, but that’s not why I’m doing this. Money and material objects will come and go in our life. But helping others and doing the right thing along the way and trying to better yourself and others around you that will go so much farther in life.

I have come a long way, not trying to pat myself on the shoulder. I never thought I would be a good husband or anyone would ever want to marry me. I just married my lioness on October 6^th, 2018. I told myself I could never read for fun and have that be enjoyable when I was in school. In almost five years I have read 45 books.

My Reasons

What does a kid who can’t read fast, and who hates reading doing writing books? Well, I feel like I have something to share with the world. Yes, I’ll admit I wasn’t a born writer and gifted with reading like most authors ahead of me. But I believe I do have a gift of dreaming and being creative. If those were classes besides gym class those would be my best classes in school.

That’s why I have every reason to be a writer and that’s no reason to hold me back. I didn’t let my weaknesses hold me back and control me like they did for most of my life in my past. Well yes, they did control me, but only in the last few years I finally decided to start fighting back for the first time in my life.

My Advice

My life has meaning now and after all this time I do have a purpose here on earth. My negative mindset in my earlier years was all a bunch of crap. This is for all of you people out there. Don’t you ever let someone tell you that you can’t do something? If you have a dream then don’t stop till you get there. You fight everyday day for it like it’s your last and hang on to it for dear life.

It might not seem like it right now and whatever situation you might be in. But that dream is giving you purpose and hope and the fight to keep going every day. Yes, it might seem impossible right now, but that’s because you just took the leap of faith and just started to pursue it. No matter what situation you’re in, or what you think you might have against you or holding you back.

You have to realize it’s not bad that’s waiting for you around the corner. It’s the good and endless opportunities that are waiting for you. That’s how you need to look at it. As you can see my attitude and mindset have completely changed. Yes, it took a long time to get here but you can do it. If I can do it so can you. You just need to take it one day at a time and one step at a time.

The Struggle 

In my earlier years, I hated you. When I was forced to write it became work, and being in school was already hard enough for me. Writing became a chore for me. How is writing suppose to help me in life anyway? 

In my earlier years, I had blinders on. I only would write because I was told to. Now that I’m older and once I started journaling almost eight years ago, those blinders came off and what I saw next was beautiful. What I saw was nothing, it was a blank canvas in front of me. It was me and my canvas and that’s all. I was given the ultimate gift in life, and God has given me a blank canvas to create whatever I wanted.

I Can’t Write

At the time I was overwhelmed and embarrassed about my lack of skill in the writing department. I never thought I could be good enough. I never thought I belonged in this field or would ever be good enough to become an author and publish books. Who am I? Who would want to read a book from a dyslexic kid with a pretty serious learning disability? I hated reading with a passion and still struggle with it to this day. Everything that has to do with that department, I was bad at it.

Everything you just read is why I thought I could never be a good writer. But everything you just read is the reason why I think I’m going to be a good writer. Who knows maybe I’ll go on to sell millions of copies or even make the bestsellers list. Honestly, I don’t care, my writing is just going to be a small part of what I want to do.

Thank You

Yes, I love writing and I owe everything to writing. As funny as this sounds if writing was a person I would shake his or her hand and thank them for what they did for me. Writing literally saved my life, and not being dramatic or funny saying that. I was in a bad place for a number of years. Writing helped me to keep going in life. Writing helped me to express myself and gave me a chance to create something unique and different like me.

I could be anything I wanted, I could write anything I wanted and writing helped me do that. From a young age, I had this handicap and extra weight on my shoulders. I just didn’t know how to deal with my issues on a daily basis. 

Blessing In Disguise

After reading a book about Tupac, he was the final piece I needed to start this new hobby of mine. That hobby quickly became an obsession, and from there it took off. Writing gave me hope in life and made me feel something for the first time in a long time. I quickly realized, that this disability that God put on me from a young age. All though it caused a lot of stress over the years and a lot of tuff days. I quickly realized that when God made me dyslexic, was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. It made me think outside of the box and helped me to create the books that I have written and to start my blog that I have now. 

In high school, if you would have told me where I would be in 10 years I would have laughed in your face. At 28 I have three books ready to be edited and published. I have four books in my head that I know I will write in the near future. Writing helped me to see the world differently and quickly helped me realize why I was put here on earth. I now want to share what I have learned with kids and young adults like me.

New Mission

Nobody should feel useless or discouraged or even embarrassed all the time. Nobody should be ashamed of who they are and what they are going through and dealing with. Life is a battle and it’s not easy. I’m not perfect I only started to change my ways a few years ago. I was a late bloomer in the world, and it took me a long time to see that.

Now I want to help kids like me. I don’t want them to miss the opportunities that I missed. I don’t want kids to be pissed off toward the world and blaming people or whatever comes there way. I’m trying to help them find meaning and find purpose in life. That’s why I’m doing this now. I know what the struggle is like, I know how hard it is to carry that extra weight on your shoulders every day. I feel like it’s my job to help you take that weight off and start making the most of the life you have now.

My Obsession

Writing helped me to realize what I was doing wrong all these years. That’s why I salute you writing and thank you for everything you have done for me. Now that I’m not being forced to write, it’s now fun and something I’m trying to turn into a career. Who would have had thought, I would be trying to turn one of my worst weaknesses and something I struggled with the most in my life into a career now?

When I write now, It’s not with my fingers on a computer or a pencil in a book. I’m writing with my heart. I’m giving you and writing everything I have. Because I have wasted far too much time not giving life everything I have. Who knows if my writing will even help people, maybe it won’t but at least I can say I tried. But there’s also that possibility I could help one kid, or who knows maybe even hundreds or thousands of kids. Stay tuned, I’m only getting started. 

I Was A Puppet

Imperfections, to some, might be a negative or might be a positive. Were all meant for something special, embrace it and yourself. Now that would be the mindset of a mature person who has seen life and been through some ups and downs over the years. That was not my views and version of life over the years.

My imperfections, faults, and issues controlled me and my life every day. I was a puppet in this game of life. I had no control over my life and what I wanted to do. It felt like someone was controlling me and moving me along every day. I was losing control and the strength as the years were going on.

The way I was moving in my life and the direction I was heading, I didn’t see the light at the end of my tunnel. For a long time, there was no hope, I kept failing and falling every day. I would try and stand and would just fall or get kicked down again and again. It was life vs me, Peter vs Fred, my alter ego. Life and Fred kept controlling me and my outlook towards life for far too long. It was not good where Fred was taking me and the directions I was heading. It was not safe or healthy for me.

This Is Who I Was Meant To Be

Now here we are, just a few short years later. Now I’m not fully healed, I still have a lot more work to do. I won’t lie about that, but I also won’t lie and say I’m better to make it sound like I’m healed. I’m human, in case you forgot haha. We all have our ups and downs, that’s normal, that’s life. The only difference is what do you do when you’re up, and then when your down? How you respond in those moments is the kind of person you are. Good or bad, it doesn’t matter. Your outlook toward life and whatever situation you’re in the process of going through. Well, that’s your views toward life and what you can expect from it.

Like I said my faults and imperfections controlled me for far too long. I’m not proud of that and looking back now it was all a part of my journey I was meant to travel on. These issues that I had, have and are still going through and battling with every day. Those issues are turning me into the person I’m meant to become now. It took a long time to accept that, and finally be able to say those words.

We All Have A Story

My imperfections and what I thought were negatives over the years and the lack of skill I have holding me back. I think those lack of skills that I didn’t think I have, is what’s going to help take me to the next level. Going through those hard times and issues all those years ago is turning me into the person this world was supposed to see. My new view towards life, and the world through my eyes have completely changed.

I’m starting to like who the real Peter is and what I think I’m meant to do. Somehow, someway, I believe I’m going to be able to give back and help others. Well, that’s the goal at least, share my story and how I see the world. I want to help others, I believe these issues were placed on my heart for a reason. Putting myself out there with my memoir that I have written and opening up my life to the world. I believe is the first step to finally excepting who I am and the struggles I have had over the years.

New Views Toward Life

I’m a very private person, I don’t like opening up about myself or what I’m thinking. I have always been that way from a young age. But here I am, this will be the 87th post that I have posted now. I have written a book strictly about my issues over the years. I have also written the first two books of a three-book fiction series I’m working on. Also, I want to create another series for kids, I’m far from done.

My focus is sharing my story and connecting with people and kids just like me. I’m putting myself out there and to the public so you can see it’s not so bad. I’m definitely nobody special, I was born with a disability and got sick and tired of hating myself and making excuses. Now at 28 and in the last few years, I have come to accept who I am. Now my focus is helping those that are going through or just about to start going through the same issues like me.

Fight Back

I have a lot of faults, many things I’m not crazy about or sometimes wish I would change. But then some days I think, well if I would have changed some of my faults what would I be doing now? Who knows if I would even be writing at the moment. Would I have found this passion and love for writing and wanting to help people almost seven years ago? The answer is probably not.

That’s why when you’re going through some tuff times or are feeling down. Just remember everything happens for a reason, and whatever you are going through at this moment. It will get better and you are strong enough to figure it out. Me on their other hand, I was not strong enough. I let my issues control me from day one. Now I have to work twice as hard to make up from the time I lost all of those years ago. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes as me. That’s what I’m trying to share now.

The Real Peter

This is who I am, and being as serious as possible You can either expect who I am and the hiccups and Issues I have, or you move on it’s that simple. Before you jump to conclusions after you read this post, and start to understand who I really am. Maybe you should look in the mirror and figure out who you are? Do you like who you are, and the person you are becoming? The question itself is an easy one to ask, but the hard part is being honest. That will be the ultimate test for yourself. It’s one thing to be one person or act a certain way in front of other people, it’s another to act a certain way in front of yourself.

Keep Growing Every Day

I’m not perfect, I have my faults, my lows, and highs and things I wish I could get better in and change. This might be a surprise but I’m sure you do as well. Overall, I think I’m a good person and have a good heart and willing to help those in need. Now could I do better in some of those fields, well, of course, I can, we all can do better? That just gives us something to keep working on and trying to get better in. That’s life, we should be trying to get better and keep growing every day.

I’m very competitive, I hate losing. I use my sense of humor and sarcasm as a shield sometimes, trying to protect others from my real self. Having lots of ups and downs in my life over the years, I developed a lot of anger and hatred toward myself. Thinking I will never be good enough or be the person that people really think I am. I’m very protective of my family and especially to my sisters and nieces. I have been around women my whole life. Now I still don’t understand them, but I grew up having four mothers and still learning haha.

Learn From Your Mistakes

With all of that said, I have my pros and definitely my cons. Overall though, it’s hard for me to see it sometimes because I’m such a hard critic to myself and others sometimes. Part of the reason with that I think is because I know what my past was like and how I used my disability as an excuse over the years. I don’t want my nephews or nieces to give half the effort I did or have the poor attitude I had over the years growing up. I know where that negative mindset will take you and how much damage it can cause you down the road.

Once I finished writing The World Through My Dyslexic Eyes, I knew there was more I needed to do. I needed to find another platform to share who I am. So here we are, seven months later and I’m still blogging.

I Judged Myself

I’m just a kid that developed a lot of bad habits and side effects over the years from a young age. I blamed God for what he placed on me, I hated the world for far too long. I cursed myself for years and years, thinking I’m stupid I can’t accomplish anything in life with my Learning Disability. What good can this Dyslexic kid even do in the world?

How I respond to my questions or negative mindset I had for far too long is like this. Will my book impact people and play a difference in their lives? I have no idea, I hope it does somehow, but that’s for you to decide. All I can do is be honest and do the best I can and keep sharing my story. If people are looking and searching for answers to issues they or their kids are going through. Deep down, I think my life, books or even blog will help them in some way. All I can do is keep sharing my story and trying to help people along this ride were on.

Keep Searching

It has been a long and very bumpy journey so far over the years. Some people might have it worse than me or some might have it easier than me, that’s life our paths are all different. For me, I wouldn’t change a thing, after 27 years. I’m finally at a place I’m starting to like who I’m becoming. In the last three years, I finally accepted who I am and what issues I’m going to have the rest of my life.

I can’t read fast, I’m horrible at spelling. I just squeaked by in school with almost a 2.0 GPA. I developed a lot of personal side effects over the years with my disability. I have anger issues with myself to this day. I battled depression for years and contemplated suicide for a number of years a long time ago. Even with those clouds hanging over me, there’s always light and good on the other side. You just need to keep searching for the light and not give up.

Finally I Get It

I’ll be 28 in 12 days, and you can ask anyone in my family. I think right now I feel more like a kid and having more fun now than I ever did in my past. Just look at this picture, that’s me trying to be a bull and chase one of my nephews. It doesn’t matter what you’re going through in life, don’t give up and don’t be afraid to embrace who you really are.

I’m a big kid at heart, I want to help kids just like me. I know what its like to feel alone and have these side effects as a kid growing up and weighing me down. I truly think I can be that help for kids with my story. I just need a chance, I’m still trying to figure out how I can do that. That’s part of the journey of life every day, you get out of it what you put in.

A Blessing?

Yes, I know if you read all my earlier posts or even a few random ones, you might be a little confused with this title. I have talked a lot and complained and shared about my issues and faults with being dyslexic and all the side effects I picked up on this journey. With that said and all the side effects, I picked up along the way so far. I wouldn’t change anything looking back at my life. It’s true, being dyslexic can be a blessing.

Some days I still wonder and think about it, I can’t lie. Is it really a blessing being dyslexic and having this burden and cloud over me the rest of my life? Yes, I think about that a lot, maybe a little too much sometimes. How can this be a blessing what good can really come from this anyway?

For starters, my early years were hard, there’s no denying that. I had my issues, and I still have my issues and my low points in life and my off days. Unfortunately, I think that’s going to be a regular thing the rest of my life till it’s my time. Within that time so far and what I have come to realize over the years. Yes, I’m dyslexic and I can’t read fast, I’m horrible at spelling and so on. What matters is what I do with the issues and faults I have in my life.

Issues

With these personal issues and side effects, you could say I picked up along the way. With all of that, and where I am now in my life. Still confused, searching and trying to figure out what my purpose is in life and what’s next for Peter. With all of that said, I still wouldn’t change anything. I believe all of this was meant to happen and all a part of my journey. All my issues and complication’s I had over the years, helped bring me to this point in my life. All of this happened for a reason, and it was all part of my journey.

At this point in my life, what started out as a little confused dyslexic kid, now I’m 27. I have my own website and blogging about my unique journey over the years. The last three years I have read or listened to 40 books. I have big goals on my radar in front of me. I’m almost done with publishing my first book, yes you read that correctly. I’ve written a book about my struggles and life over the years. I’m also working on a three-book fiction series. The first two books are done. I just have one more book to write in that series and then the plan is to get them published, and send them to the big screen and turn them into movies.

Purpose

I want to give back and help kids that felt lost and confused like me. Clearly, I know what it’s like and I know how alone and scared I was through this journey. Kids should not have to go in the direction I went down. It’s ok to ask for help along the way, I didn’t and that’s where I screwed up. I was embarrassed to ask for help, I had received so much in my earlier years. I was ashamed of who I was, and at what little I can do by myself. Could I accomplish something on my own for a change?

With all of that said, that’s why it’s a blessing now looking back. When I was younger, you couldn’t pay me to read a book for fun. It would have to be a large amount, even when I was forced to for school, I still hardly read the material. Maybe you’re wondering if I hated it so much why am I writing so much and reading so many books? It’s because I’m obsessed now, what started out as a hobby, turned into an obsession.

Over the years I battled a lot with depression feeling stupid and alone. Writing as lame as it sounds, saved me. Within that time when I was alone and depressed. Writing and journaling was the only thing I looked forward to in the day. I couldn’t talk to anyone, I was ashamed and embarrassed.

Why Not

August 6, 2011, I decided why not turn all this writing into something? That summer day was my first day this hobby changed for me. From that day till now, writing became an everything to me. It was my happy place, and the one place for the longest time I felt free.

That’s why in the end this was all a blessing for me. I think these struggles were building up inside of me and starting to turn me into the person I was meant to become. Again, this was all part of my journey, and that day was the first day of my freedom. Writing gave me happiness and helped me feel free. It helped me escape from the real world, and I could create anything I wanted.

My Imagination

Having a learning disability made school miserable for me, and it was horrible. What I lacked in school and couldn’t accomplish with my school years, it made me stronger in other fields. I have always had an imagination, and that imagination brought me to this point in my life.

That’s why I wouldn’t change a thing in my life and I owe everything to my LD. I was sick of where I was and I wasn’t going to let my weaknesses get the best of me anymore. It was time to turn something I was horrible at, into a positive. It opened my eyes to what I needed to fix about myself and change. Do you know what you need to fix? Do you have anything you want to change? Now is the time, why you still have the opportunity.

Dear Peter

This is my letter to my younger self, going all the way back to March 25, 1990. Looking back, it has been a heck of a ride. You have been through so much. If only you knew what was waiting for you down your path? Well, you are going to find out soon enough. Whatever you do, just get ready. It’s about to get bumpy, and it won’t be easy.

You are going to have a lot of personal issues as the years go on, but it’s totally worth it. The reason is because of all your struggles and issues you will go through. They turned you into the person that you were meant to become and destined for. That’s how life works out sometimes buddy. You have to go through the bad and ugly, to get to the happy and great sometimes.

I can’t believe you are six years old now big guy. Everything is about to change, more then you could ever have imagined. From this point on going forward, all the way to now at 27, your life will never be the same. You were officially diagnosed with a learning disability, and now you have change schools. Nitrauer Elementary will be your next destination. It won’t be easy, but don’t worry there are a lot of good people that help you through that transition and all the way till graduation.

Don’t Fall For It

All you are focused on is graduation and to be done with school. I want to tell you first before you wish your life away and just skip to Graduation. All you can think about is to be through with school and out of that prison. Can you do me this one favor first? Don’t wish your childhood away like I did? Enjoy it while you can. It might be too late for me, but it’s not too late for you.

Focusing on the end Goal, and my future. With doing that, I missed out on my present and what I was currently living in. It might sound weird hearing this from your future self, but just listen and stay with me, Peter. Don’t do what I did, because I know what it’s like at the end of the road. Now I have to deal with that regret the rest of my life until the day I die.

Graduation

It is so hard to believe, you’re finally here it’s May 23, 2008, finally graduation day. High School is officially over for you! Congratulations man. I know this was your ultimate goal and all you were focused on. You should feel excited about what you just accomplished. We both know you don’t feel excited or feel like you accomplished anything. The feeling you are starting to get in your stomach is almost that sickening feeling.

You realized the mistake you made. Your time machine is broken. There is no going back now. The ultimate goal is here and you’re living it buddy, but it’s not what you expected. You were told a lie, you thought life was going to be easier and everything would fall into place. With being Dyslexic you had to adjust and look at life differently all these years. You might not like it, but it’s only going to get worse and bumpier ahead now.

Good Job

Well, you made it this far, from this point on, your life is about to change, for the better finally. July 12, 2015, you realized enough was enough it’s time to make a change for the better. Peter, it’s a great feeling, you finally realized that if you want a better life, then only you can change, it nobody else can. You are committed and willing to do whatever it takes to win finally and get away from the darkness and shadows that’s been holding onto you all these years. You realized your faults and personal issues you might always have. It’s time to put that to good use and help kids and people of all ages just like you and me.

2018

It’s almost the end of 2017, as crazy as that sounds 2018 is around the corner. Personally, I don’t know what 2018 will bring for us. I do know, you are almost done with working on and getting ready to publish your FIRST book. I know I still laugh about that every once and a while and smile about it. But wait, what, I’m dyslexic? I can’t read fast, or spell, I did horrible in school. How am I able to write a book? Let alone be close to publishing a 90,000-word book? It’s your story, our story, and you are doing it to give back to the kids that need to hear what we did wrong all these years.

Success

That’s why we are going to succeed, well do our best to succeed now, we have to succeed for them. With my past mistakes that I did and your future mistakes, you will see them soon enough. We can finally be ok and proud of what we accomplished so far. Now we’re finally living our life, now we have an idea what our future holds. Of course, nobody knows for sure. After all this time, and these issues we had growing up. Finally, at the end of 2017, we now know what it’s like to live and why we can’t take advantage of this beautiful gift of life anymore. It’s time we get out of our comfort zone and finally escape this tunnel, and leave the shadows behind us for good.

Don’t forget where you came from, and your past Peter? That’s what made you and help turn you into the person you’re meant to become. Yes, it was hard and we almost didn’t make it this far. But you didn’t give in and you didn’t stop, just like we can’t stop now. What we’re doing now, writing is not a hobby anymore, it’s our obsession. Let’s keep working, and keep this momentum going into 2018. Let’s make the next 20 years, better than our last 20 years.

My Unique Blog

What’s so special about my blog and website, why is it unique? Why should you take time to read this post, or check out my website? Because my website and posts are awesome and clearly it’s the best out there. I’m kidding, I’m only beginning, I have a lot to learn.

The reason is that of my background and everything that I’ve battled through my whole life. All the ups and downs of my life, the good and the bad have brought me to this point for a reason. For the longest time I was wondering why me, why did all of this happen to me? Why do I keep screwing up so much, when will I get it right? Well, that time is now, I think, I think, I might be on to something now people.

I think it’s safe to say this is the happiest I have ever been in my life. I also think it’s the most stressed, and exhausted I have been as well. Working three jobs really catches up with you, and quick haha. It is all worth it, and I’m not complaining. I’m hoping I’m a month away, from publishing my BOOK. Could I be a published author by the end of 2017? flashback to five years ago I didn’t even think I was going to be here today. I’m not being dramatic at all, it’s the truth. I really was at a low point and I gave up on life.

Peterharrower.com

I purchased my domain name three maybe four years ago, my dad told me I should just in case. My website is on the first page of google. Just my name Peter Harrower is on the top of the third page for Google. I know that isn’t that good but hey, it was at the bottom of the fourth page a week ago.

Life has a new meaning for me now. I finally feel purpose and meaning. I have my website, my blog, and my books that I’m working on. Diagnosed with a learning disability at six years old. Now I’m 27, I started out as a dyslexic boy with this journey. He finally feels like he has a reason to live and proud to call himself a man now. I’m determined to share my story with the world and get the word out with what I’m trying to share.

We all have our own battles and personal issues we are fighting every day, every week. I’m trying to show you that it doesn’t matter what issues you have. We all have our own issues, but how you handle those problems and setbacks, is how you find what you’re made of. You just have to keep going and fighting.

It’s time to finally start living. It’s time to smell the fresh air and walk in the sunlight for once. I can’t read fast, I’m horrible at spelling, never did well in school. I can’t sit in one spot for a long period of time; I get distracted after a while and it’s hard to focus. I’m self-conscious about myself, I have flaws and faults I’m trying to fix every day, and trying to become a better person.

Dark Tunnel

Even though I can’t spell, or read fast and was not good in school. With those issues and roadblocks hanging over me, I still want to become an author and share my story with the world. People need to hear my story; kids need to hear my story. I’m nobody special, I was born and raised in Lancaster, PA “Amish Country” and NO I’m not Amish haha.

I woke up one morning and realized enough is enough; it’s time to do something with myself. With my new attitude and the goals I came up with, it was time to change my ways. As much as it still scares me opening up to the world, it was time to open up and let you know who the real Peter A Harrower is and remove my mask, for good.

This started out as a hobby to help me cope with my depression, and anger, and all of my issues I’ve developed over the years growing up. Writing is the only place I felt free, the world came to a standstill, and I felt free. As I was writing I had the power and control with what I wanted to say. That hobby quickly turned into an obsession, after a few days. Now I have written three books, totaling north of 200,000 words and coming up with new ideas for my next projects.

The World Through My Dyslexic Eyes

Next is a fiction story I want to take to the box office, and turn it into movies. If you’re going to dream, then dream big? I finally found a purpose to live now. Do you know your purpose? What is something you have wanted to pursue, but you were scared to do? You’re not alone; I’m trying to enter a field I probably don’t belong in, and that terrifies me.

An author who can’t read fast, spell, and did horrible in school? I know how that sounds, I get it. I’m not normal, and I’m coming from a different angle. That’s what we dyslexics do; best, we look at our issues and problems from a different point of view. I may not be the smartest person, but my determination and drive to concur this goal cannot be stopped. I’ve tasted purpose and meaning in my life for the first time ever. I’ll find a way to win, and make these goals become a reality, and so can you.

My Safe

A safe room is a room we build to protect us from someone, something or even sometimes our selves. To each of us, we all have our own and different meaning behind it. We all go through different battles in our lifetime.

I’m a private person and I don’t like being open and sharing who I really am. If you haven’t noticed, the last few posts all tie into each other. We all have a mask or used a mask at some point in our life. If you can honestly tell me you never used a mask in your life, well then I guess I’m sorry haha.

From an early age, with everything I was going through. All of my faults dealing with my LD, wearing my mask. Having anger issues and a lack of confidence and not to mention being my worst critic. I have always been scared to talk to people, I always felt like an outcast. I knew I was different almost like I didn’t belong with others. Especially at a young age. That’s why I built this wall so I could hide from everyone. That wall quickly changed from one wall to a whole room protecting me. I can hide my true self from others. It wasn’t just to protect me from others, it was also to protect others from myself.

Scared

The last maybe six-seven years. I wondered a few things. First, what do people think of me and the person they see and communicate with every day? Second if only they knew the real me, what would they think of me?

I was afraid if people knew the real me, they wouldn’t like me or maybe it would push me or them farther away. Being a hard enough critic to myself already, and I held myself to high enough standards. I didn’t need more judgment and people holding more stuff over me. Already judging them and thinking in my mind what they might be thinking or would say. Naturally, a confused and lost kid with his mind running 100MPH I jumped to the wrong conclusion.

Maybe If I would have been more open from the beginning a lot of my issues could have been avoided? Yes, a lot of my issues would have definitely been avoided, I already know that. If I could have gotten the right help at an early age it would have saved so much hassle. Now I’m not blaming anyone for that. Nobody knew I’m just looking back to where I was and where I am now.

Real Me

This is who I am people this is the real me. Like him or not I’m here. I have come to the conclusion that if people don’t like me and understand who I really am. How broken and fragile I was for far too long. Well if they can’t see that then screw it, it’s that simple. That is my response to being a human and being filled with emotion. Thanks to my three sisters and mother, what can I say being around four women my whole life made me an emotional wreck. Thanks a lot, guys, it’s all your fault haha, kidding.

Now me being a Christian I realize that is not the right mindset. I realize that, trust me I do and that’s what makes it such a hard battle sometimes. Being filled with so much emotion and fire and rage from a young age. Most times it’s hard to control myself and what I say. That’s why I was scared and had to make this room, and protect all of us. If I were to share my true self and colors, unfortunately, I’m not sure how many people would really like me?

Walking through my dark tunnel for far too long, maybe if I was more open. Sharing what I was truly thinking and sharing how I truly felt. Maybe people could relate to me more that way? Who knows, maybe a lot more people are broken just like me? If only I removed my mask from a young age, maybe it could have benefited them?

It’s A Gift

What matters is I’m trying to make up for the time I lost NOW. I have wasted so much of this beautiful gift that we call LIFE for far too many years. It’s time to make up for what I lost. That’s why I’m doing this. If people don’t like the real me and my true self, well, it is what it is I guess. I think it’s about time we stop kidding are selfs and unlock the door or throw away our mask’s. Embrace who you are and be proud. If you don’t be your real self and open up, you could be doing more harm then good?

I know there are kids and even adults just like me out there. They are thousands of people who knows maybe even millions of people scared and hiding just like me. Maybe my story will help push them to take the first step, just like I did. At that point maybe the pros will outweigh the cons, so who cares what the haters will be saying. There will be more light around me for a change, then darkness. Let’s be real the light and good always out weights the darkness and bad.

In your case, your darkness is still weighing over you and blocking the light from shining into your tunnel. All you have to do is take it one step at a time and keep fighting. Keep battling and keep being you and doing your best. Don’t give in to the darkness that’s holding you back people. Unlock that door and threw away the key and embrace who you are. You never know whose watching you and looking up to you?

I Don’t Care

Critic- a person who expresses an unfavorable opinion of something. I know for a fact I’m my worst critic. I have been judging and trying to hold myself to a certain standard ever since I was a little kid.  When I didn’t do well in something or I messed up on homework or a test and didn’t pass or do a good job. Trust me, I let myself have it. Not every time because honestly sometimes or most times when I didn’t care, well it’s that simple I didn’t care.

In all reality I did care, I just tried playing it cool saying it was whatever or I didn’t care. Some days I did care so when I tried and studied or attempted to study more than normal and do the best I can and I still didn’t pass. That was around the time I just gave up again. I said to myself, now I know why I didn’t care.

Fred

I’ll save you the details of what I would say to myself, you people are smart just use your imagination. Taking it to a whole new level is what I do best. Personal attacks and insults were my specialties. In the end that was one of the reasons, I held myself to all of these standards. That’s when I became my hardest critic. I had something to prove not just to my parents and teachers letting them know I can do it. It was beyond that I had to prove my other self, my other side of me (Fred) a reference from my book.

When it was Peter vs Fred, Fred would always win about 90% of the time. To be fair Peter didn’t really put up much of a fight. I was so weak and fragile and vulnerable that I didn’t care most of the time.

That’s why when it comes to rejection and hearing negative statements directed at me. I’m used to it and I have been hearing it for years. Not just from myself, there were others. Receiving 105 emails from agents who weren’t interested in my book.

It’s A Miracle

I received horrible grades on a regular then it all becomes normal and happening on a regular day. It was rare for me to receive an A in school. The only A’s I really received was for good attendance, or working with a group on a school project. If somehow I received an A and I pulled it off it was a miracle of course, or I might have cheated if I was desperate enough. It was like watching something rare like witnessing a shooting star. If your lucky enough you might just see it, and it will only last a second or two then poof, it’s gone.

For me for example in my earlier years,  It was always negative 24-7, not too many positive thoughts in my young mind growing up. Again having that criticism and standards so high and at such a young age. I was always destined to fail and never reach my goals. I was setting myself up for failure from the beginning. The feeling I was feeling was yes painful and hurt. I was also feeling something for a change. Again I know it was wrong and bad. I was lost and confused at the time I was taking what I got.

2018

For far too long Fred was leading the race, and it wasn’t even close. My other side was killing me at my own game in controlling me, my alter ego was dominating me and it wasn’t even close. Once I sank to more depression and darker thoughts, with my negative mind Fred’s lead kept getting bigger and bigger.

As time went on and I started to change and not take everything so personal and started to change the last few years. His lead became shorter and shorter and Peter was coming from behind and catching up. Now with 2017 almost over and 2018 just around the corner, it’s neck and neck for who’s gonna cross the finish line first. Now the momentum has switched and Peter is slowly starting to take the lead.

Personal

With that said there is nothing wrong with being you’re own critic and having that mindset. Not trying to sound like a hypocrite but don’t take it so personally. I know easier said than done sometimes. Unfortunately, I still take it personally when I’m judging myself for whatever it is I’m doing. Again it’s a work in progress, I have been this way for 21 years now and I’m 27. Keep that in mind, we all are in different races and our own battles every day.

My biggest battle is within myself, Its Peter vs Fred. After all of this time, I’m starting to figure it out. How you respond to your critics is what makes or breaks you. Are you going to use it as fuel and to keep you motivated and moving along? Or are you gonna take it personally and let it beat you? The choice is yours and yours alone. Only the real you can make that choice, not you’re alter ego. So what are you going to choose, and what side do you want to be leading the race. You or you’re alter ego?