Month: May 2019

Chapter 6

If you could pick five words that are important to you, what would you pick? It doesn’t have to be the same letter. I didn’t try that when I wrote this chapter. Let me know what your words are, I’m curious what you picked.

Faith

For me, this has to go first. With me being a Christian I have to start with this first. Now do I have all of the answers absolutely not. Has it been easy trying to grow my faith over the years, of course not? Especially when I was younger and really going through my battles in my 20s and blaming God for alot of things.

Yes, it’s been a struggle but I feel in a way that has only helped me to grow my relationship a little more. Is there more growing I need to do and get better in, of course, there always will be.

Family

Next is the second most important thing to me. I have an amazing family I’m very lucky and blessed and not going to deny it. Now we are a family, do we have our moments, of course. Just because we’re family doesn’t mean we never fight or not have issues. I have three older sisters and I love them obviously and would do anything for them. With me being the younger and only brother, I always told myself it was my job to look after them. Now that they are married, I moved on from that now. They aren’t my problem anymore, they are my brother in laws problems now haha.

I’m very close with my parents also. Now in my earlier years when it came to school, I didn’t like them very much because I was getting upset and was mad. It wasn’t personal, I was more mad about the situation and what I was struggling with. They were trying to help me with my homework and studying and well you know how I feel about that. I think most of the fights we have had in my life, probably 90% had to do with school. Now I have my own family I started seven months ago with my beautiful wife and our pup.

Fitness

Now most of my life and through high school and early 20’s I have always been skinny and lanky. Now a big person doesn’t like to be called fat, is the same thing as a lanky kid like myself doesn’t like to be called skinny. That’s what I’ve always been. I got sick of it and I needed to change.

Around 20 I started working out more because that was around the time when my struggles really started. I was lacking confidence in myself and doubting myself a lot. Maybe if I can put some muscle on that might help me feel a little better.

When I graduated I was maybe 160 pounds soaking wet. Now I’m 186 and stronger than ever before. Now was that easy of course not. I put hundreds of hours in over the years to get where I am today. Was easy of course not, it’s not supposed to be. Was it worth it, absolutely? Pushing yourself and making tuff goals aren’t supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to stretch you and push you and make you work to reach them.

Future

Now how I came to picking future for my number four word. Faith is trusting God with my life and future. Family is going to be my support system and help me when I need it. Fitness is going to give me the strength and the discipline to start working towards my goals and help push me. Now the future comes in next. If those first three are good then my future looks better. If I don’t have Faith and say fitness for example, then I won’t be healthy and my future won’t look very promising.

That’s why in order to have a good future, you need to push yourself and take care of yourself now. Will it be easy of course not? Will it be worth it? Well, how you answer that question is the effort you put into it every day to get the life you always wanted and dreamed for.

Fun

If my faith is good, the family is happy, I’m healthy and pushing myself in fitness. My future is promising and looking good with how hard I’m working. Now is the time to have fun and enjoy life. After all, you only get one life, so enjoy it.

We all have a purpose and we all have meaning. Yes, it takes some of us a long time to find it, but that’s ok. God doesn’t make mistakes, his timing, when he wants something to happen, is perfect. Now, will we always understand it or like what he decides, no probably not. But that’s where faith comes in. We have to trust him.

Live Those Words

I know how lucky I am because not many people have a close family like me, that alone makes me feel very blessed and lucky. Fitness is what’s been helping me fight these battles over the years and helped keep me fighting and not giving up. Now my future looks better and better every day. Is my future promised, of course not? With how hard I’m working now to try and give my wife the life she deserves. That hunger and drive are pushing me like I have never been pushed before. That drive is helping me get out of my comfort zone every day to share my message and story with you.

Life is short, life should be fun. Let’s all enjoy it and be happy and make the most of our life. We only get one chance. Don’t live in the past learn from it. Work hard now and keep kicking butt. Your present is enjoyable and gives you purpose. From there, your future looks much more promising and better with how hard your working in the present with the effort you’re putting in now.

Chapter 4

Well, I graduated high school now what. I accomplished at the time my number one goal but now that I achieved it I was confused and puzzled. What’s next now what do I do? Where does my life and journey take me from here? I thought I had it all figured out, little did I know the battle begins and I’m only getting started.

Around 20-25 were some hard years for me. Especially 21-24 that was the worst. It felt like my life was slowly falling apart at 20 and only got worse from there.

I’m 22 now and most of my friends or people my age were graduating from college. That’s exciting for them and another big deal and achievement for them. Me, I had a part-time job, no college degree and living with my parents waiting for the next step. Asking God what am I supposed to do and what’s next. There was a problem, I was asking but I wasn’t listening. I was going through the motions but with no care in the world.

Still Waiting

I didn’t know what was next for me. I kept telling myself this was all part of my journey and my life that was created for me. I’ll wait for God to lead me in the direction he wanted me to go and he will give me a sign. Waiting, waiting and waiting some more and nothing was coming to me. I was getting confused, depressed and angry daily why I was waiting.

I was starting to head down a part in my path I never saw coming. Part of me wished I could have avoided it and gone a different way but that wasn’t possible. I didn’t know at the time but going through those hard and dark days just a short time ago was the best thing that ever happened to me. At the time I didn’t understand it I was just taking it day by day. Waiting for the night to come so I could go to sleep hoping the next day would be better.

Where Do I Go

I was lost, confused and searching for purpose and meaning. Searching for anything at the time. I was lost and filled with so much darkness that I started to change and not in a good way. Watching movies and tv shows became an easy way to escape reality for me.

I wanted a new life, a better life so I decided to create it. That’s when my first book started to come alive. As sad as it sounds, I know this now but I did have a great life. I’m very lucky and blessed and I see that now. Sometimes when you’re going through the struggles and the heartaches you miss stuff and it doesn’t hit you until later. What’s awesome about it and that gut punch that snaps you out of your funk and wakes you up is how you feel after.

What Can I Do

I was so confused and so lost that one thought crossed my mind and it was the only thought that actually made sense. I didn’t want to escape this pain and struggle I was going through, I needed to escape this pain I was going through.

All I thought hundreds of times a day, every day for a good chunk of my life. I thought what can my stupid dyslexic self even accomplish in this world? I have no college degree, I won’t find a successful career, I won’t be able to make a good living and be happy because of the struggles and hardships I have. There’s really only one way to fix this problem. I contemplated suicide and killing myself for almost four years of my life. Thinking that would make me feel better and help me escape the pain.

Surprise

I was so lost and confused I didn’t know what to do. Working on my first book trying to create a new and improved Peter and create a better life I thought that would make me happier. Nope, it didn’t I was still searching and confused. I thought killing myself would make me feel free and escape the pain. Well, yes it actually would help me but hurt my family and crush them and it would be worse for them. So that doesn’t really help me, now I’m back to square one.

I was going back and forth with what I should do where I’m going in my life and why I’m here? Those thoughts clouded my judgment for most of my 20’s and unfortunately, with that mindset, I hid who I really am and how I really am.

I’m Grateful

I was scared of what everyone thought of me and realized how much of a loser I am. Thinking I didn’t need anyone else, I was already judging myself and ripping me apart daily. That’s when I became my worst enemy and my biggest threat to myself. The hatred toward myself grew over the years. From a young age, I always wished I could be somebody else in my class. I wanted to be the smart one, the funny one, anybody else but me. I didn’t need other people telling me what they thought.

Now I’m 29 and I’ll be honest I’m a very lucky man. Looking back at what I have been through and where I came from. I’m just glad to be alive. I’m grateful for all of those battles that I went through when I was younger. They helped build who Peter is now and who Peter was meant to become.

I’m grateful for the anger and hatred that I developed from a young age. That’s what helped form me and drove me to want to change. Is it healthy, no, probably not, I’m still working on that today. Here’s the thing, you should always be working on bettering yourself every day before its too late.

Chapter 2

Early life is about, well you guessed it my early life. What can I say looking back at where I was and where I am now? From where I was when my journey really started at six years old than 18 when I graduated high school to now at 29. Looking back, it looks like three different stories or chapters in my book. Actually, it is three different stories and chapters in my book of life.

When I was younger I always envisioned I was going to do something special and unique with my life, I just never knew what that was. I always had an imagination and loved dreaming and looking into the future but what I saw when I was dreaming and trying to picture what might happen to me. Where I am now, I never saw coming and never pictured it.

Swimming Up Stream

Growing up I was always my worst enemy and biggest bully. From a young age, I was already swimming upstream and swimming against the current which made my situation that much harder. Now with my LD and dyslexia that added an extra 50-pound weight vest to me.

Swimming upstream is hard enough. Swimming upstream with an extra 50 pounds is even harder. Now I had all of this going against me and I was struggling. I started getting older and moving up to 4th, 5th, 6th and so on. But my actual grade level was always a couple of grade levels behind. I was slow with reading, I couldn’t spell, I struggled to listen, I took speech class I had trouble with my R and S words. To this day I still have some trouble with this.

The Big Day

I wasn’t a smart kid, I didn’t try that hard, honestly, I didn’t really care. I probably would have flunked out if I didn’t get help from my parents and teachers all those years.

All my life I was focused on one thing and one thing only. Graduating and getting that stupid piece of paper saying I made it in life. Once I got that piece of paper then I was ready for the real work and excited for what’s next.

Peter Alexander Harrower, I walked up and ready to receive my diploma as I was standing up there in front of everyone a few things crossed my mind. First, CRAP, theirs a lot of people out there. Second, just give me my piece of paper so I can leave. Third, when they dismiss us I wanted to leave right away, I felt so uncomfortable. I was trying to be excited like everyone else but I was faking it. They were excited about graduating and being done with school and ready for the next thing. Me on the other hand, there was no next thing for me. I was just excited to leave graduation.

Who Am I

At that moment I felt like a loser and a bum. I didn’t know what was next for me or if there was even anything for me. How am I going to get a good job and have a life with my grades and no college degree? How can I take care of my family one day? I started thinking about my future family and how I could provide for them. Then I quickly realized what am I doing? I’m not going to have a future family, who would ever want to marry me?

I started thinking about everything that was wrong with me. There was no pro and cons list, it was straight, con and cons list. I was already down and lost and confused, now I was kicking myself, even more, when I was done and treating myself like crap. I was lost and confused and searching for something, anything at that time.

New Me

I’ll be honest I’m still searching and still determined and working as hard as I can every day. Getting up at 5:15 am so I can get more reading and writing in and trying to get better. Now I finally feel like I’m living. I’m married and have been for over seven months now. I’m a published author and I did it myself. It took over four years but I did it. My top two goals that I always thought would just be a dream came true. I’m now a married author and checked off my top two goals in my life. Next, all I need is a kid and those will be my top three goals. SLOW DOWN, that kid thing won’t be for a while.

In the end, I just want to let you know. It doesn’t matter where you were in your life or where you came from. If you’re determined enough and willing to put in the work and give it your very best then you can have a great life. That great life is different for all of us. A successful career, money, happiness, freedom it might be different for all of us. The most important thing you have to remember is if its important to you then you have to work for it. You might have to give up some things and sacrifice some things along the way but it will be totally worth it if you have a clear-cut goal.

Keep Growing

Once you stop learning you start dying – Albert Einstein

Now I challenge you to stop using your past as an excuse. Embrace it like I have and make the most of it. My past made me who I am today. My past gave me the determination to work harder and make up for the time I lost. Now I want to make the most of the time I have now, because who knows when my timecard will get punched and it’s my time.

If you liked this post, check out my book. You will find out a lot more about me and my crazy story. If you did read it and liked it. I would love if you could share it with a friend that might need to hear it. Leave a review on Amazon, I would love to hear what you thought, thanks.

The World Through My Dyslexic Eyes