The Past

Time Machine

I have two questions for you, first, if you could go back in time, would you? Second, if you decide to go back in time what would you do differently? What would you say to your younger self? Let’s pick this apart real quick. If you have read my earlier posts, then you remember my background and struggles. This is a question I asked myself a lot the last few years. Lately, I have been going back and forth on what I would do.

Let’s just say I redo high school again. Going back to the first day of 9th grade, if I could go back that’s where I would start. I would tell myself, Peter, God made you who you are for a reason. For the longest time, I thought he screwed up on me and he made a mistake creating me. It was all a mental game, I was just trying to hurt myself and pity myself. My life was already planned out in advance. If I were to go back and start all over. I would have tried harder in high school of course and I would have had a better experience.

Maybe

If I went back and tried a little harder maybe I would be more proud of myself? If that’s the case then who knows where I would be now at 27? I can’t imagine what I would be doing or where I would be If I changed a few things? Maybe I would have had a 3.0 GPA and then went to college. Even with being dyslexic. What if I didn’t use that as an excuse and powered through anyway and tried my hardest.

That’s what I think I would say to myself. If that is what happened and how it worked out, and the effort I put into school and sports. Then again who knows where I would be, or what I would be doing. Regardless it’s a gamble which direction I would be heading in. As much as I would like to go back and change what I did, and maybe put a little more effort into school. It’s easy to say that and go in a different direction when I know the road I have been on the last few years.

If Only

Trying not to make it sound as cliché as it sounds. If only I knew then what I knew now. I just wished I would have had more confidence to go after whatever was in front of me and not be so scared. I’m still scared sometimes.

If it was a life and death situation and someone said I had to choose right now. I wouldn’t change a thing when it’s all said and done. As much as it pains me knowing I could have done better in school and sports I could have tried harder, and pushed myself a little harder. Sure it’s easy to play the, what if game. If only this happened or I did that. In the end, that situation is over and it’s in the past now.

Reality

There is nothing we can do about it, we just need to accept it and move on. That’s what I’m trying to do, look at everything I have shared with the world so far. A few years ago, I wouldn’t be sharing any emotions or struggles I had.

That’s why in the end, I know I wasn’t a mistake you and I were all placed here for a reason. God didn’t mess me up or screw anything up; it was a mental battle I was in every day for years. I just finally accepted it after all this time. Yes, I’m different. I’m slow when it comes to learning and I look at situations differently then most. Being slow, not being able to spell and read fast, and thinking outside of the box has brought me to this point in my life.

New Me

I now have my own website, I’m blogging and putting my faults out to the public. Trying to help others that are like me. I have now written three books totaling close to 250,000 words between the three. Always working on new ideas for books, or projects I want to do.

I’m not done, I can’t be done there is too much work to do still. Feeling bad for me after all of these years is just wasting time and draining me more and more every day. I’m not getting any younger and as much as it pains me to say, I’m going to be 30 in a few years.

I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of people to share my story with. I know what it’s like to lose and feel like a loser, with no direction and no fight left in him. It was bad and ugly for a number of years and I was in a dark, dark place.

Negative

Now like I have said before I see light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m starting to feel the warmth of the sunlight shining on me. I finally feel close to what I think it is I’m meant to do. Could I be wrong, well of course, but if I am then so what? I keep going. Besides, all of this could just be another step taking me to what I’m meant to do. I have to keep going and fighting through the roadblocks ahead of me.

That’s why I don’t think I would go back in time anymore to change anything. I believe if I did that I would lose my fight and my hunger to keep pursuing myself to get better. If you want to go back, then that’s fine that’s your call. Who am I to say you’re wrong, and I’m correct?

Now Is The Time

I don’t know what’s waiting for me outside of that tunnel. What I do know is I know what I went through in the tunnel just to get where I am now to only start seeing the little light that I see now. I don’t want to go back. I’m scared to go back to the dark and living in the shadows. Yes, I’m going to the unknown, but look at what everything I have been through. Look at the change that I have made physically and mentally.

What you need to do is the same thing, dig deep and focus on you. For the short time period and find you, and figure out what you want. You can’t be scared anymore. Close your eyes and do whatever you need to do to keep going.

Just take that leap of faith and go. Life is too short to waste any more time. The world is massive, it’s 2017. There is more than enough money in the world and opportunities to do what you believe in. Now is the time to do something about it, quit making excuses and focusing on what happened in the past.