Category: Lessons Learned

Dad

I cannot wait, until the day I become a father, and hear those words “Dad”. This is just something I have been thinking about a lot lately. All though, it scares the crap out of me, there is nothing I want more in life. Sure don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to be married and be with my wife. Yes, I know I’m trying to build my website up, and finish the details on my books and trying to share my story with you. Yes, those are all great things in all, and I hope they all come true. I pray they will all come true. I just think becoming a father, is more important to me then everything else.

Now as much as I want to become a father, at the same time, nothing scares me more than having kids. I know it’s a catch 22. I pray for that moment to finally happen. Also, thinking to myself, will I be a good dad? My family all shared with me multiple times, that I will be a good dad one day. I mean they would know, with me having 10 nephews and nieces. I have had a lot of practice over the years. After all, I have been an uncle since I was 11 years old.

Thinking to myself

I still can’t help and wonder, what about my issues and faults? If you have read my earlier posts so far, you have figured out that I have had some personal issues that I have been battling for a while or still working on. Now it terrifies me to pass on my learning disabilities and all of the side effects that I picked up along the way. My anger issues, lack of confidence in myself, and everything else that follows. Now I have all of my own personal stuff I’m trying to figure out as well, it’s a lot.

That’s why after all of this time I’m nervous to become a father and a husband. Who knows what side effects I might pass to them? I don’t want them getting all of my bad traits? Sure there’s a chance that it might not even happen, this is true. Again how I said earlier, I’m always thinking a few moves ahead. This isn’t something that just popped into the back of my head recently. I have been thinking about this for years now. Probably going back to my early 20’s maybe, is when I started thinking about becoming a father. This has been in the back of my head for a long time now.

I’m sure I’m, not the first person to ever think this or be terrified. I’m sure it happens all of the time, I get that and I understand. Again I guess it’s just me looking at my history and everything that I went through. I just wouldn’t want my kids to be Dyslexic and have any of those issues that might follow. After all, I know firsthand what it was like. Feeling stupid, different, almost like an outcast most of my life. No kid should be having these thoughts and feelings.

Now at the same time, I think being Dyslexic and having my LD problems. Was the best thing that ever happened to me? I believe everything happens for a reason, that’s number one. So this is all planned out and a part of my journey here on earth. With having all of these issues and being down and in a dark place for so long. If my kid or any kid, which again is why I’m trying to do this. Help kids and make them happier and overcome these issues and problems they are battling every day. I think that is one of the reasons that give me hope that I will become a great father. Well, maybe not a great father, but you get the idea.

I have seen my sisters raise their kids; I see my parents be grandparents and parents sometimes. When my sisters had to discipline their kids and go through the bad times, even the good times. It might not look like I was interested or paying attention. But I was definitely taking it all in and soaking it up. Seeing how they handled the situation and what they did. Sure am I going to screw up and learn some stuff along the way? Of course, I will, I mean that’s going to happen with anything you do in life.

In the end

Even with all of my personal issues and baggage that I’m bringing to the table, I think the pros still outweigh the cons in this situation. When I get married, or if I’m lucky enough to ever get to that point. Once I’m ready and get that point in my life. Who knows, it might not be as bad and as scary as I’m picturing now? This could just be my mind, once again, playing tricks on me and looking at the bad more than the good.

With that, I’ll still take that chance with no hesitation. If you ask me if I want kids tomorrow or two years from now, the answer will always be yes. Sure, my mind will start wondering and racing thinking about this happening or that going wrong. But yet again, that’s just me. I’m always thinking a few steps ahead trying to prepare myself for what’s next. Until that time comes, I guess I just need to keep practicing being the best uncle, and brother and son I can be.

11:01 P.M.

I just finished watching 13 Hours. I’m still in awe and speechless with what these men and women do for us day in and day out. I shouldn’t have to give us all a reality check about how lucky and blessed we are to live in America. Not to mention, having these hero’s and people willing die for us when we have no idea what is going on.

Here I am on a Saturday night; I can give up two hours of my easy life and safe life to watch a movie. Nobody made me do it; I choose to do it because I wasn’t feeling good and have a sore throat and didn’t feel like working on my website at the moment. I was using that as an excuse and yes that excuse won. You know what; I didn’t care about my website in that moment. Here I am sitting in my room next to my comfy bed, listening to peaceful music as I write this post.

Be Careful What You Complain About

Again if you don’t know what I’m getting at, watch 13 Hours. Go watch ANY military movie or read a book. Then maybe you will understand what I’m talking about. I’ll admit I get caught up in my own issues. Trying to work on my website build that up and share my story with you. Trying to place the finishing details on my book and hopefully publish it by the end of the year. My other jobs are working for my dad part time, and not to mention my regular job at my gym. Yes, I’m busy I won’t deny that. The difference is I choose to do all of this and I’m able to do all of this every day. Yes, it’s frustrating and stressful at the moment, I won’t lie. That’s probably part of the reason why I’m getting sick.

You know what; it was a reality check I needed to have. I didn’t want to watch the movie that much because I have seen it before and heard the story. I said I’ll watch for a few minutes then go back to work. After five minutes, I knew I wasn’t going anywhere. It might sound stupid and funny. Again, If I can’t give up two hours of my FREE time to watch this movie and witness the sacrifices that they give every day. How selfish am I? I’m guilty of that I won’t lie I get distracted living in my life and thinking my goals our more important than others sometimes.

Reality Check

I’ll admit it; I’m not saying they are better than anyone else or I’m more important than anyone else. In all reality compared to these people that fight for us every day. Going to places and countries that hate Americans and fighting for YOU and ME. I’m a nobody, compared to them. I don’t deserve to be on the same level with them, with all of the sacrifices they give. That might sound harsh but I don’t care, this is my post. If you don’t like it then you can stop reading.

We need to start treating the people that protect us every day better, it’s that simple. It shouldn’t be that hard and complicated. That could be donating money, time, or helping out families that have loved ones fighting for us. Even go as far as saying thank you if you see someone in the military walking by. If you don’t have the time or spare money at the moment then simply say thanks, it’s better than nothing. I’m not perfect I have missed out on a lot of opportunities thanking people that are in the military that fight for us.

Just Do It

I use the excuse I’m busy or they look busy. I don’t want to interrupt them or whatever the reason is. That’s just stupid and I know I’m wrong for thinking that, I’ll admit it. That’s why I need to change; this reality check goes beyond just posting on my blog and website. Yes, my message that I’m trying to share with kids and young adults is to keep going and fighting. Just like the men and women in 13 hours. Now please don’t misinterpret that statement, my battle is not anywhere close to the battle they were fighting. That’s not what I’m saying please, don’t twist my words.

All I’m trying to say is we all are fighting our own battles every day. How we choose to respond to those battles and issues that are coming our way, is how we figure out what we’re made of? Again my battle realistically is nothing compared to a military battle. We’re all trying to find our own way and our own path here in life. We all take different paths and roads every day. Once again that’s what makes all of us unique and special.

What Now

How are you going to respond to those battles and roadblocks standing in front of you? I’m not going to let a stupid simple sore throat keep me down. Or the fact that I’m working three plus jobs at the moment hold me back from chasing a dream. That’s only going to keep me going. All the stuff I’m trying to do on the side is funding this little project of mine I’m trying to turn into a permanent gig.

Now I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad about how lucky they have it or anything like that. Actually no I am going to make you feel bad. I needed a reality check and so do you. Start giving back and playing your part in the world, it’s time for us all to make a change.

Before you say something to think you have it worse than everyone else. Think to yourself real quick tonight before you go to bed. Is anyone else shooting at you, do you have a comfy bed to sleep in? What’s it like to walk around in your own home with your family? It’s not a bad thing to think before you speak sometimes. Be grateful for what you have. Because so many people probably have it worse than you?

What Do You See

Every day we see the world through our own eyes, and every day we all see something a little different. Of course, that’s a given were all in different cities, states even countries. As I was growing up I always wondered what people thought of me? This concept and me wondering goes way beyond me hoping they liked me. For me it was on another level, I wondered what kind of person do they think I am? Am I nice, do I seem sad, two-faced whatever the word you want to use. What If I could see Through Someone Else’s Eyes? Hense the title of my website and book, The World Through My Dyslexic Eyes.

All my life growing up, I felt like I looked at the world, my world differently than most. I mean I had to, with my faults and disabilities growing with me as I would grow through the years. I then flipped the script and wondered. Who am I really? If I could see myself through someone else’s eyes what would I see? Would I like what I saw? Do I even know how I carry myself day in and day out? Would I be impressed or disgusted? So many questions you would be asking yourself and wondering. But first the biggest question of them all. It’s a yes or no question. Would you want to know, and see yourself through someone else’s eyes?

Would You Be Happy

I would want to know in a heartbeat, no hesitation. Honestly though, if you’re doing it right and you take in what you say and what you’re doing on a regular basis. Then you shouldn’t have to look through someone else’s eyes, to know who you really are. You should already know, who you are. The next part with that is, would you like what you see? Would you be embarrassed and disgusted? Maybe impressed or happy with what you see?

Using me for example, in my early years leading all the way up to graduation. I would see a kid trying to find himself, struggling with his faults and the cards he was dealt with. Trying to figure out who he is, and what’s next for him.

Open

Ages 19-25 I would see the same thing, but worse and on a whole different level. As this young man was growing up, searching and lost and confused. His eyes open to the real world now and overwhelmed and feeling the pressure of growing up. He was in awe and curious as to why growing up and why life had to be this hard and stressful? It shouldn’t be this hard, life should be fun and enjoyable. Not filled with darkness and sadness and living in the shadows, hiding your true self from others. Well, unfortunately, that’s the world we live in now. Were embarrassed to show who we really are and what our true self really looks like.

Enough was enough, this kid had to grow up. Things had to change for him, or else he wasn’t going to be around much longer. Something, someone had to give in and loose. You could tell this kid was in a battle. The battle he was in, was against himself which can be the trickiest of them all sometimes. It was time for a change and a change for the better.

Success

Looking around seeing how everyone else was living, older and younger there were so many success stories. All with different backgrounds, if they can do it why can’t he, why can’t I? It was time for a change, and sacrifices had to be made. So, sacrifices were made, his lifestyle changed and for the better.

Two years later and after changing his lifestyle and for the better. Making goals and changing his ways and views toward the world and how he lived every day. Things have never looked better and more promising, I think he’s on to something finally. Reading 35 books in a little over three years, written three books totaling a little under 250,000 words. He realized if he wants to grow then there must be server changes.

We’re always gonna have weaknesses and things and skills were not crazy about ourselves. Unfournatley, that’s life, there is only so much we can control, but with that comes a choice. You can stay mad about that, and keep hiding in the corner and under the shadows being embarrassed. Or you can do something about it, and change your way’s.

Don’t Be Afraid

Everything, I’m trying to tell you and share today. Don’t be afraid of your true self and who you really are. Again there’s only so much we can control, again like my learning disability for example. I can’t change that it’s who I am, and it’s something I’m gonna be battling and working with until the day I die.

What I can control though, is how much it affects me and how much I use it as an excuse. Playing that game of looking at me through someone else’s eyes changed me. I didn’t like the person I was and the direction I was heading. Now that was just what I saw, looking through my own eyes. If that’s what I saw, imagine what kind of vibe I was giving off to my family, friends, heck even people I don’t know? Something had to be done and something had to change.

This little test or trick whatever you want to call it was one of the many things that opened up my eyes. I challenge you to try it, and really think about who you are and what people see every day. Is there stuff I’m still working on and things I want to change, of course, there always will be haha. Again that’s life and it’s all apart of our journey. We are all on different paths and look at things differently every day. So how do you want to be viewed every day, and what do you want people to see? Just remember you never know whos watching, or whos looking up to you?

Think About It

Who Are You? Have you ever really thought about it before? Are you embarrassed about which group you fall under, or do you embrace it and are proud of it? There’s nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, we are all different. We all have unique and special talents, or quirks we wish were a little different or we could change.

For me personally, it might surprise most of you but when it all comes down to it, I’m an introvert. Going back to first grade when everything started to change for me. From that point and going forward I have always kept to myself. I have always had feelings and embarrassment and being ashamed of everything I have been dealing with. I kept it all to myself and was ashamed and embarrassed by who I really am.

Naturally, I would always be thinking to myself and talking to myself. This all gets tied in to being self-conscious about myself. It’s only fitting when it gets broken down, that if I had to pick one or the other I’m an introvert. Now I didn’t choose to be this way, it wasn’t like picking a sports team to follow. It’s just who we are, and how we react and respond to situations we are placed in.

Ambivert

Now in some cases, I’m more along the lines of an Ambivert. Honestly, I just found out about Ambivert like a month ago haha. I never heard of it before. I love having fun and hanging out with people and making people laugh and having a good time. So naturally I enjoy talking to people and meeting new people.

I love my alone time and quiet time. Sometimes I enjoy it too much. The last few years when I had my personal battles and battled depression, and in those shadows for a few years. Being alone and by yourself for too long can be very bad, and not healthy. You need a happy medium and a healthy mix of both. I was in a dark place for far too long. I’m now paying the price for it. I’m trying to get out now and looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know what it’s like to be angry, upset, and sad. You name it and I probably felt it. Honestly, it sucks, and it’s not fun. I don’t want people to feel useless and feel like they don’t belong or a nobody. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. Well, except for maybe to my sister’s ex-boyfriend’s haha. But that’s, of course, being the protector I am and looking out for my sister’s.

Never Judge A Book By Its Cover

Who Are You? It’s true I might seem happy or like I have it all together all the time. If you knew me in high school or even now for example. I hate to break it to you people, but I don’t. I’m trying to find my purpose and direction just like the next person. The only thing is I’m not begging for attention like some of you. I don’t like being the center of attention.

Sure if I make a joke in front of a crowd or something that’s one thing. But if it’s all eyes on me, no, I’m not a fan of that and try to avoid that. I don’t like that feeling of being ashamed and angry. That’s why I put on that mask and try and do my part to make you and everyone else I can happy. Sure I’m very sarcastic, I know, I’m sorry. It’s not always my intention, it’s a bad habit I picked up.

In The End

What are you, Who Are You? It doesn’t matter what category you fall under. You can either be ashamed of it and hide in the shadows like I did for far too long. Or you just accept it and embrace it, and try and change and move your way toward the middle like I did. You can stay on one side and stay on one path your whole life if you want. If that’s you and your ok with that, well then keep going. If you want a new challenge and try and better yourself and embrace something new and try a different path to see what’s out there then do something about it and fight back.

Now embrace you and realize you are who you are, it’s true there is only so much you can change about yourself. Don’t forget, you don’t have to stay in that rut you are in or hiding in. You can step out of the dark and not be ashamed. Who knows what kind of an impact you might have on others. Sharing your story or giving that advice you have, could be a massive turning point for that special person. Don’t be ashamed of who you are, embrace it, and keep doing the best you can day in and day out.

Scardy Cat

I know this may be a little surprising and you may be thinking a fear of success, who would be scared of success? Well, it’s true. It is a fear and probably more common than you think as funny as that sounds. Again thinking and writing it down, it still seems funny to me. How could you fear success? Everyone wants to be successful or should want to be, so why be scared? I think it has to do with a few things for me.

The fact that my mentality is set so high. That I will be successful, and I fully believe that. I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL, whether it’s good or bad, positive or negative. Whatever you feed yourself, the thoughts and your mindset you have, that’s what’s gonna make the difference in the end. In the end, that’s what is going to separate those that are hungry and want to turn a dream or goal into a reality. Or there is the other half, that will have that dream and goal, simply just a dream and goal, and nothing else. They will realize that it’s impossible or too hard to reach, and can’t fathom it.

Cruise Control

All these years I’ve kind of been going with the flow of things, just coasting along basically waiting for what comes next. What happens when I finally overcome those hurdles and speed bumps of mine and I can finally say, “I’m successful” and I made it? That should be a dream for everybody, saying those words. Think about this for a minute. If you have a dream and a goal, it will take some work to accomplish, correct? Maybe a little extra effort, some blood maybe sweat or anything else you have to give to complete it?

Just picture what that feeling would be like after you work your tail off, and finally achieve your dream goal? Close your eyes right now, well, finish reading this part first then try it. It will be kind of hard to read what’s next with your eyes closed. Picture what your number one goal is or your dream in life? Now picture yourself accomplishing that goal and doing what it is you want to achieve, close your eyes again and think about that for a minute?

Do You Want More

Personally, I think everyone should want more than just money. They should want a passion or a dream job and want to accomplish something worthwhile. Having a big bank account isn’t enough for me. If money is honestly your number one goal and main priority and you want to swim in it, like the duck swimming in his gold from duck tales. If you can honestly say that’s you then, I guess I’m wrong, sorry. Go swim and get yourself a pool full of gold. I don’t want to accomplish my dreams and goals just to be wealthy, that’s not why I’m doing this.

If you ask me, why was I scared of success? Why do I even think about it all the time? I’ll tell you why, even though I know I am meant for something bigger, and I truly believe that. I’m not saying I’m going to cure cancer or bring peace on earth by stopping a war. I certainly wouldn’t turn down the chance to help accomplish those things. I do believe, I’m meant to help people somehow some way. Who knows as long as I keep my faith and with God, on my side, it will happen. If I keep working and putting in the effort to try to accomplish and conquer those goals and dreams of mine than anything is possible.

Take The Chance

Trust me, I have my bad days still and want to give up, and just say forget it. I’ll just be average and stay scared of success, I can make that work. That’s good enough for me and better than nothing. It’s fine to just be a pawn in this chess game that we call life. I hear these success stories and all the good some people are doing in this world, that has so much evil and I think to myself.

Why not just go for it, why not me, why not you? I want to do that, I am going to do that, I’m going to do something with myself and with my life. I’m not going to be scared of success anymore. Anything you or I do that’s helping someone throughout the day will help make the difference that we need right now. Even if it’s as simple as opening a door for someone to let them go in first. It’s simple I know, but think about it, you have to start somewhere right? You don’t just automatically just accomplish your goals right away, you have to take it one step at a time.

Keep Working

Another reason why success scares me, I would be committed to something greater than what I had before. It may be stupid, but I want to be as successful as possible. I want to make my family proud and be able to help people. The ultimate thing that drives me is, I want to hear the words “BECAUSE OF YOU” I didn’t give up, or I kept going and didn’t stop. Changing lives is what I’m about, it’s what I want to do.

That will be the start of my success, I’ll say it again and for the last time. What drives me is to hear the words “BECAUSE OF YOU” I did this or that or whatever. That’s the end goal people, I have said it before. If putting myself out there and opening up, for the greater good and to help others then it’s worth it. I’m willing to sacrifice my privacy and be vulnerable for the greater good and push people to keep going like I needed a push in my past.

Surprise

Do you know who’s watching you or looking up to you?  When I was a kid growing up, with dyslexia I had an imagination. I was always looking at things differently than most. I would watch a show for example. They would be talking to the camera on the show or they would just be going on with their everyday life doing whatever it was they were doing. After seeing this, I thought it would be cool to be in a show or movie.

I then really started thinking, as some of the reality stars how cameras follow them through everything. The good the bad they are there, day in and day out. I wondered what that would be like, everyone following you? For me, it was not so much trying to get famous and make money or anything along those lines. It was more about thousands or millions of people are going to know who I am. I need to start changing my ways and make my life a little better and more entertaining. For a while, I would pretend I was on a show, this was all in my head just imaging whatever I was doing there would be people watching me.

Actor

Fast forward a number of years, I still kind of kept that mindset and imagination in the back of my head. If I was going to be on a show, then I would have to make my life a little more entertaining and enjoyable. I started to treat my life like I was on a show. Except with no cameras following me, it was my family, friends and everyone else in the world. What I did with myself day in and day out, I pretend people were watching me. At the time my life was boring I wasn’t doing anything really exciting with it.

I was in a slump for so long, I didn’t care at the time. Not many people would want to be following my life when I was struggling and in a dark place for days, months and even going on for years. That’s not entertaining it’s sad, who would want to watch that? It would just make them depressed or sad. It wouldn’t be motivating to them or inspiring them like I was hoping.

I changed my ways, if I want to work hard and make a difference then I had to start working like I’m being watched 24/7. My work ethic had to change, I had to get more focused on my craft and start working harder than I ever have before. If I had a goal in mind and something to shoot for, then I had to actually work for it. If I just say I want to do something and never do anything about it what good would that really be? That wouldn’t accomplish anything, and my dreams and goals I have would just be that, dreams and goals.

New Me

What benefit would that have to myself and you guys? That’s why anything and everything I do now, I’m imagining people are watching me with everything I do. Whether that’s being kind to a stranger, opening a door for someone anything simple along that, it doesn’t matter. Am I the best uncle, brother, or friend I could be. Maybe I might be, I don’t know, that’s not my decision to evaluate myself. That’s everyone else’s job to decide. I feel like I can do better in everything I do. We all can do better in everything we do every day.

From now on no matter what you are doing and whatever you say. Maybe we should all start slowing down a little bit more and think about what we’re doing? What actions were doing and following through with every day. Maybe we all should start working a little harder and imagining people are constantly watching us. Do you know who’s watching you, if not then maybe you should pay attention? You should start looking at what you’re doing and how your acting daily.

Keep that in mind, even if people aren’t around and watching. You should still do the right thing and keep working hard no matter what. Either for your family, friends or just yourself. It doesn’t matter who you’re doing it for, just decide, commit and do something about it. No more talking, follow through with something you committed to and make it happen already. Do you know who’s watching is not meant to scare you and bring you down? It’s meant to remind you of your actions and what you are doing daily.

Time Machine

I have two questions for you, first, if you could go back in time, would you? Second, if you decide to go back in time what would you do differently? What would you say to your younger self? Let’s pick this apart real quick. If you have read my earlier posts, then you remember my background and struggles. This is a question I asked myself a lot the last few years. Lately, I have been going back and forth on what I would do.

Let’s just say I redo high school again. Going back to the first day of 9th grade, if I could go back that’s where I would start. I would tell myself, Peter, God made you who you are for a reason. For the longest time, I thought he screwed up on me and he made a mistake creating me. It was all a mental game, I was just trying to hurt myself and pity myself. My life was already planned out in advance. If I were to go back and start all over. I would have tried harder in high school of course and I would have had a better experience.

Maybe

If I went back and tried a little harder maybe I would be more proud of myself? If that’s the case then who knows where I would be now at 27? I can’t imagine what I would be doing or where I would be If I changed a few things? Maybe I would have had a 3.0 GPA and then went to college. Even with being dyslexic. What if I didn’t use that as an excuse and powered through anyway and tried my hardest.

That’s what I think I would say to myself. If that is what happened and how it worked out, and the effort I put into school and sports. Then again who knows where I would be, or what I would be doing. Regardless it’s a gamble which direction I would be heading in. As much as I would like to go back and change what I did, and maybe put a little more effort into school. It’s easy to say that and go in a different direction when I know the road I have been on the last few years.

If Only

Trying not to make it sound as cliché as it sounds. If only I knew then what I knew now. I just wished I would have had more confidence to go after whatever was in front of me and not be so scared. I’m still scared sometimes.

If it was a life and death situation and someone said I had to choose right now. I wouldn’t change a thing when it’s all said and done. As much as it pains me knowing I could have done better in school and sports I could have tried harder, and pushed myself a little harder. Sure it’s easy to play the, what if game. If only this happened or I did that. In the end, that situation is over and it’s in the past now.

Reality

There is nothing we can do about it, we just need to accept it and move on. That’s what I’m trying to do, look at everything I have shared with the world so far. A few years ago, I wouldn’t be sharing any emotions or struggles I had.

That’s why in the end, I know I wasn’t a mistake you and I were all placed here for a reason. God didn’t mess me up or screw anything up; it was a mental battle I was in every day for years. I just finally accepted it after all this time. Yes, I’m different. I’m slow when it comes to learning and I look at situations differently then most. Being slow, not being able to spell and read fast, and thinking outside of the box has brought me to this point in my life.

New Me

I now have my own website, I’m blogging and putting my faults out to the public. Trying to help others that are like me. I have now written three books totaling close to 250,000 words between the three. Always working on new ideas for books, or projects I want to do.

I’m not done, I can’t be done there is too much work to do still. Feeling bad for me after all of these years is just wasting time and draining me more and more every day. I’m not getting any younger and as much as it pains me to say, I’m going to be 30 in a few years.

I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of people to share my story with. I know what it’s like to lose and feel like a loser, with no direction and no fight left in him. It was bad and ugly for a number of years and I was in a dark, dark place.

Negative

Now like I have said before I see light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m starting to feel the warmth of the sunlight shining on me. I finally feel close to what I think it is I’m meant to do. Could I be wrong, well of course, but if I am then so what? I keep going. Besides, all of this could just be another step taking me to what I’m meant to do. I have to keep going and fighting through the roadblocks ahead of me.

That’s why I don’t think I would go back in time anymore to change anything. I believe if I did that I would lose my fight and my hunger to keep pursuing myself to get better. If you want to go back, then that’s fine that’s your call. Who am I to say you’re wrong, and I’m correct?

Now Is The Time

I don’t know what’s waiting for me outside of that tunnel. What I do know is I know what I went through in the tunnel just to get where I am now to only start seeing the little light that I see now. I don’t want to go back. I’m scared to go back to the dark and living in the shadows. Yes, I’m going to the unknown, but look at what everything I have been through. Look at the change that I have made physically and mentally.

What you need to do is the same thing, dig deep and focus on you. For the short time period and find you, and figure out what you want. You can’t be scared anymore. Close your eyes and do whatever you need to do to keep going.

Just take that leap of faith and go. Life is too short to waste any more time. The world is massive, it’s 2017. There is more than enough money in the world and opportunities to do what you believe in. Now is the time to do something about it, quit making excuses and focusing on what happened in the past.

GOAT

I’m sure you have two things probably running through your head. Either who is Pac, or why I’m writing about him? Who is Tupac; I’ll save you all of the little details about him growing up. He is a poet, rapper, actor and truly one of the bests to ever do it. If you ask me I think he’s the best, that’s just my opinion aka the (goat). He was way more than just a rapper and actor and poet. He was human he made mistakes he did stupid stuff that he regretted or wish he didn’t do. I’m sure you did as well. He was very talented, and he went to a performing arts school in Baltimore. He made albums, acted in a few movies and made poetry all before he died.

Unfortunately, he died at the young age of 25, back on September 13, 1996. Yes, that’s today; it’s crazy to think that depending on where you were born and the time you were born really does make a big difference in what you do with yourself or in your life. I know it might be obvious or sound stupid, but it’s true. He definitely did not have the easiest life. Being born in New York, and then going to Baltimore and then up to California. Compared to me. I was born Lancaster PA. Not a big area or a popular area where you could get into more trouble and crazy stuff happening on a regular basis. Well going back to when I was born in 1990 at least.

Background Check

One day when I was at work, I wish I could remember the song but I don’t. A 2pac song came on. A guy I worked with was telling me about Pac and some background about him. I wanted to hear more, about one of the best if not one of the best to ever do it. Google is the best very helpful, especially on work time, don’t tell. I looked him up and I found a book about him, Tupac Shakur: The Life and Times of an American Icon.

Not only was I hooked on the first few pages reading it. Honestly, cover to cover it was probably the second maybe the third book I ever read up to that point. I hated reading as I have said before, and it took a lot for me to read. I was slow but I finished the book and I was hooked.

For a long time, I was upset with the man. I would listen to his music constantly; I then purchased his book with his poems The Rose That Grew from Concrete. Again I was amazed and hooked even more. His words it was something about it, as cliché as it sounds his poems and some of his songs spoke to me. I can’t really explain it any more than that; it was what I needed to hear at the time and where I was in life.

He Pushed Me

Yes, this is a letter paying respect to Pac and honoring him, but for me personally its way more than that. Pac is the reason that I started chasing my dream that I have been hunting for the last six years. When I started writing in August of 2011. Pac was killed in 1996, so 15 years later his voice is still being heard. His poems and songs are still being listened to and read.

For me, though it’s simple and whenever somebody asks me how I got started writing and fell into this life. It’s a simple answer; first God gave me everything I needed to put it all together. After all, he gave me life and my Learning Disability, to begin with, all the situation’s that happened or I was a part of. He made them all happen for a reason. I strongly believe Pac was the final step to pick up a pen and started journaling. Thanks, Pac.

All Planned Out

Again, first and for most as a Christian, I believe God already has everything figured out. I’m not taking anything away from him. I just think Tupac was that last little nugget I needed to start this new journey that was waiting for me. I easily could have just read stuff online or just started listening to his music and that was it. With how much I hated reading, I was fascinated and hooked and determined to finish what I started.

Pac wasn’t perfect, he did a lot of stuff I didn’t agree with and said a lot of stuff I wasn’t crazy about. Again we definitely lived two different lives no question about it. My earlier years were a lot easier than his, I won’t deny it I had both parents and lived in the suburbs of Lancaster PA. He was raised mostly by his mother, and he moved a lot and bouncing all over and at times he did what he had to do to survive and get by.

Nobody Is Perfect

I personally wasn’t crazy about his personal life and how he lived it every day. I mean really who am I to judge him or criticize the guy anyway? We lived in two different worlds, maybe his life was all he knew and that’s what he learned at a young age. In his early 20s, he was rapping acting and selling millions of CDs and sharing his mind with the world and what he thought about.

Compare that to my early 20s, it was a whole different world. I was living with my parents, depressed, angry, alone searching for what’s next and trying to find direction. At 25 he died and has sold over 75 million records. Me now at 27 I feel like I’m only getting started in the world and just starting to find that motivation and purpose that he had at such a young age. Yes, I know you can’t compare people and really you shouldn’t. We both are two different people, living at different times, and have different lifestyles.

Pac Helped Me

With everything I said about Pac, either you agree with what he says, his lifestyle; you like him or hate him. That’s your opinion and you’re allowed to have that, as far as my opinion. He helped me and guided me into a field and helped pushed me to start a career at the time, I had no reason belonging in. Hate him or love him, we all need to dial back and be careful not jumping to conclusions and assuming anything about people. With everything that I said, this is just a thank you letter to the man that helped change my life and helped pushed me in the direction where I’m going in now. Again first and always first for me, the glory goes to God. No matter what in the end he did everything and paved the road for me.

Thank You

On earth, Pac was the person that gave me that final push and nudge I needed to go for it. Who cares if you’re scared or nervous about what’s in front of you, or the new field you might be entering in. I can’t spell; you probably noticed that on my blogs. I can’t read fast, I’m definitely not the smartest person, but I’m trying my best. What this man did his whole life, even the last five years of his life, he will do and have more of an impact than most of us combined.

You never know where motivation will come from, or who will end up motivating you to do something. So no matter what, keep your ears and eyes open and ready for what’s next. Don’t be afraid to let your voice be heard, stand up for what you believe in.

Listen to what they’re saying. Don’t just bob your head to the beat                     – Tupac Shakur

One of my favorite poems

My Happy Place

When things are bad and you’re down, life or work or whatever is kicking your butt. Where do you go? What do you do? Is there something special you have to do to try and control it, to calm yourself down or make yourself happier?  Do you have a happy place? Who knows maybe you don’t need one and your one of those lucky ones that are always calm and happy, nothing really gets to you. If that’s you, well then you should feel very lucky. I don’t think there are too many people around that have that gift like you.

For me, I would say it’s simple, but honestly, it just depends on what level of mode I’m in. If I’m mad then maybe I just need to hang out with my family or friends, kick back and laugh a little. I mean having 10 nephews and nieces definitely doesn’t hurt, whenever we get together in a four-hour span there is always at least two to four cries that whole time by them. It’s a madhouse but I love it. If I’m like six or a seven mad, then maybe I just need to walk a little and stretch my legs to calm down.

My Go-To

Maybe I just need to journal for a little or work on my books. Working on something that can distract me, but will also have the potential to help me down the road is also a good bonus. If that doesn’t work, then lifting weights is definitely a go-to. If I’m angry and seeing red then I need to be alone, and definitely, go to the gym and throw some weight around. I need to inflict pain on myself and that’s the best way to do it. Plus as an added bonus I will feel much better after and get stronger, so really it’s a win-win.

That’s why our happy place, or are alone time is so important and so crucial to our sanity. Everyone has to be able to blow off some steam at some point, whatever it is. Some people handle it and go about it all differently. It really doesn’t matter, whether it’s yoga, knitting, or reading. If it makes you happy and brings you back down and calms you, then who cares what people think.

Make The Most Of It

I’ll be honest there have been times where my friends wanted to do something or go out and I said I can’t. Most of the time, it was because I wanted to journal or work on my books. I didn’t care I needed that me time, and every time I did that it brought me that much closer to finishing my book. Now, are they published or do I have representation, well no unfortunately not yet. Yes, if you are wondering it SUCKS and if you weren’t wondering well now you know. That’s life though, everything happens for a reason and you just have to roll with it.

I’m drawing a blank on who said it or the quote itself. “We each have a hand of cards and that’s all the cards we have. What you make of it and do with them is what you get out of life.” Hopefully, I didn’t mess it up too much, hopefully, you understand what I’m saying. Life is what you make of it, some days it won’t be pretty. Some days it will be awesome, others you’re just going to want to crawl into a hole and hide. After those moments and whatever you do with them, that’s the kind of life you’re going to have. Make the most of that hand you were dealt with, or just fold and give up. What are you going to do with that hand?

Definition

Faults, is an unattractive or unsatisfactory feature, especially in a piece of work or in a person’s character. Unfortunately, we all have them, things we don’t like about ourselves things we wish we could change or do differently. Well, that’s maybe what you’re thinking, not me, I’m what they call perfect and have no faults, unlike YOU, haha kidding. Well, that’s a lie, I’m just trying to be funny. Of course, I have my faults, I have a lot, that’s why I’m writing about it right now.

One of my worse faults, that really brings me down. Honestly, I think it has damaged me for so long because I have been doing it for so long. I’m so hard on myself and I’m such a tuff critic toward myself. On one side I expect perfection which isn’t the worse attitude I guess, but definitely not great. On the flip side, If I mess up or do something wrong, I’m so hard on myself. Calling myself names, Idiot, stupid, why did you say that or why didn’t you do this.

It Takes Time

I feel like I take it to another level, plus with me having that attitude and negative attitude toward myself for so many years now. Again establishing that mindset and demanding perfection at the young age of six and now being 27. You do the math, that is a long time of breaking myself down, day in and day out. As you can see It’s not something I can fix overnight or fix in a day or two. It will be hard, and it will certainly be a process.

Another fault of mine that I don’t like, Is I’m dyslexic and horrible at spelling, grammar, and a slow reader and everything along that. Hence the reason why I didn’t like school and why it wasn’t fun and affected me for so long. So yes if you’re wondering, I have written three books now with a combined total of roughly 250,000 words altogether. That is one of my many faults I have, and it bothers me every day and it’s something I have to deal with every day and the rest of my life.

Different

That’s why I’m a different person now, I have recognized my faults and weaknesses and are working to try and get better at them every day. That’s why I read so much now, that’s why I’m doing this blog, well one of the reasons. To show you that we’re all different, and we all have things about ourselves we don’t like.

If you read my posts and notice, maybe a misspelled word or punctuation or grammar is a little off. That’s because I want it to be real and not fake. I want you to know who I really am, and I’m trying to get better every day with my weaknesses and faults. If I had someone check my posts every time, then it would not be completely me, and I feel like I would be lying to you a little bit. When you read my posts and see the mistakes, and I’m sure there will be a lot, sorry. You know that I’m putting myself out there and trying to show you the real me and who I am.

Scary

Again it scares the crap out of me doing this, knowing what judgment might be coming my way and waiting for me. I want people to like me, I want to be everyone’s friend. Will, that happen of course not, you can’t please everybody? Why do we have to hate someone because they are different than us, why can’t we accept it? Maybe instead of hating or laughing at someone because they can’t do something or maybe aren’t as good as you in something. Maybe you should offer up your services to help them, help them get better and fix that weakness that’s holding them back from being a better version of themselves?

Looking at yourself now, standing in front of a full-length mirror of yourself. You can see your feet all the way to your head, what do you see? Are you proud of what you see? I’m not just talking your body, in general, I’m talking about all the above. Your attitude, your effort you give the world every day. Are you proud of it? Or are you embarrassed about the time you waste or the lack of effort you put in? I want you to actually try this, look at yourself in a mirror and seriously grade yourself. What do you see? If you don’t like the way your body looks, start eating right and working out. If you don’t like the effort that you have been putting in at work or every day, then fix it.

The Past

You can’t fix the past and what you did yesterday, last week, or even a year or two ago. That’s over you have to accept what you have done and what happened and move on. You are in the present, stop living in the past and start getting better now. Start preparing yourself for what’s to come and make your future better than your past. Time goes so fast, now is the time to start working and make yourself better.

Don’t waste any more time, decide to do it. Even if you’re scared or have a little fear and nervous about what you want to do. That’s normal if you’re nervous or have a little fear that’s good. Use that fear and nerves that you have, and flip it and turn it into something better. Stop wasting time, come up with a plan and make it happen. No more excuses, figure out the problem in front of you, conquer it and better yourself.