Thanks Pac

GOAT

I’m sure you have two things probably running through your head. Either who is Pac, or why I’m writing about him? Who is Tupac; I’ll save you all of the little details about him growing up. He is a poet, rapper, actor and truly one of the bests to ever do it. If you ask me I think he’s the best, that’s just my opinion aka the (goat). He was way more than just a rapper and actor and poet. He was human he made mistakes he did stupid stuff that he regretted or wish he didn’t do. I’m sure you did as well. He was very talented, and he went to a performing arts school in Baltimore. He made albums, acted in a few movies and made poetry all before he died.

Unfortunately, he died at the young age of 25, back on September 13, 1996. Yes, that’s today; it’s crazy to think that depending on where you were born and the time you were born really does make a big difference in what you do with yourself or in your life. I know it might be obvious or sound stupid, but it’s true. He definitely did not have the easiest life. Being born in New York, and then going to Baltimore and then up to California. Compared to me. I was born Lancaster PA. Not a big area or a popular area where you could get into more trouble and crazy stuff happening on a regular basis. Well going back to when I was born in 1990 at least.

Background Check

One day when I was at work, I wish I could remember the song but I don’t. A 2pac song came on. A guy I worked with was telling me about Pac and some background about him. I wanted to hear more, about one of the best if not one of the best to ever do it. Google is the best very helpful, especially on work time, don’t tell. I looked him up and I found a book about him, Tupac Shakur: The Life and Times of an American Icon.

Not only was I hooked on the first few pages reading it. Honestly, cover to cover it was probably the second maybe the third book I ever read up to that point. I hated reading as I have said before, and it took a lot for me to read. I was slow but I finished the book and I was hooked.

For a long time, I was upset with the man. I would listen to his music constantly; I then purchased his book with his poems The Rose That Grew from Concrete. Again I was amazed and hooked even more. His words it was something about it, as cliché as it sounds his poems and some of his songs spoke to me. I can’t really explain it any more than that; it was what I needed to hear at the time and where I was in life.

He Pushed Me

Yes, this is a letter paying respect to Pac and honoring him, but for me personally its way more than that. Pac is the reason that I started chasing my dream that I have been hunting for the last six years. When I started writing in August of 2011. Pac was killed in 1996, so 15 years later his voice is still being heard. His poems and songs are still being listened to and read.

For me, though it’s simple and whenever somebody asks me how I got started writing and fell into this life. It’s a simple answer; first God gave me everything I needed to put it all together. After all, he gave me life and my Learning Disability, to begin with, all the situation’s that happened or I was a part of. He made them all happen for a reason. I strongly believe Pac was the final step to pick up a pen and started journaling. Thanks, Pac.

All Planned Out

Again, first and for most as a Christian, I believe God already has everything figured out. I’m not taking anything away from him. I just think Tupac was that last little nugget I needed to start this new journey that was waiting for me. I easily could have just read stuff online or just started listening to his music and that was it. With how much I hated reading, I was fascinated and hooked and determined to finish what I started.

Pac wasn’t perfect, he did a lot of stuff I didn’t agree with and said a lot of stuff I wasn’t crazy about. Again we definitely lived two different lives no question about it. My earlier years were a lot easier than his, I won’t deny it I had both parents and lived in the suburbs of Lancaster PA. He was raised mostly by his mother, and he moved a lot and bouncing all over and at times he did what he had to do to survive and get by.

Nobody Is Perfect

I personally wasn’t crazy about his personal life and how he lived it every day. I mean really who am I to judge him or criticize the guy anyway? We lived in two different worlds, maybe his life was all he knew and that’s what he learned at a young age. In his early 20s, he was rapping acting and selling millions of CDs and sharing his mind with the world and what he thought about.

Compare that to my early 20s, it was a whole different world. I was living with my parents, depressed, angry, alone searching for what’s next and trying to find direction. At 25 he died and has sold over 75 million records. Me now at 27 I feel like I’m only getting started in the world and just starting to find that motivation and purpose that he had at such a young age. Yes, I know you can’t compare people and really you shouldn’t. We both are two different people, living at different times, and have different lifestyles.

Pac Helped Me

With everything I said about Pac, either you agree with what he says, his lifestyle; you like him or hate him. That’s your opinion and you’re allowed to have that, as far as my opinion. He helped me and guided me into a field and helped pushed me to start a career at the time, I had no reason belonging in. Hate him or love him, we all need to dial back and be careful not jumping to conclusions and assuming anything about people. With everything that I said, this is just a thank you letter to the man that helped change my life and helped pushed me in the direction where I’m going in now. Again first and always first for me, the glory goes to God. No matter what in the end he did everything and paved the road for me.

Thank You

On earth, Pac was the person that gave me that final push and nudge I needed to go for it. Who cares if you’re scared or nervous about what’s in front of you, or the new field you might be entering in. I can’t spell; you probably noticed that on my blogs. I can’t read fast, I’m definitely not the smartest person, but I’m trying my best. What this man did his whole life, even the last five years of his life, he will do and have more of an impact than most of us combined.

You never know where motivation will come from, or who will end up motivating you to do something. So no matter what, keep your ears and eyes open and ready for what’s next. Don’t be afraid to let your voice be heard, stand up for what you believe in.

Listen to what they’re saying. Don’t just bob your head to the beat                     – Tupac Shakur

Image result for the rose that grew from concrete poem

One of my favorite poems

Image result for in the end of my despise pac

Happy Place

My Happy Place

When things are bad and you’re down, life or work or whatever is kicking your butt. Where do you go? What do you do? Is there something special you have to do to try and control it, to calm yourself down or make yourself happier?  Do you have a happy place? Who knows maybe you don’t need one and your one of those lucky ones that are always calm and happy, nothing really gets to you. If that’s you, well then you should feel very lucky. I don’t think there are too many people around that have that gift like you.

For me, I would say it’s simple, but honestly, it just depends on what level of mode I’m in. If I’m mad then maybe I just need to hang out with my family or friends, kick back and laugh a little. I mean having 10 nephews and nieces definitely doesn’t hurt, whenever we get together in a four-hour span there is always at least two to four cries that whole time by them. It’s a madhouse but I love it. If I’m like six or a seven mad, then maybe I just need to walk a little and stretch my legs to calm down.

My Go-To

Maybe I just need to journal for a little or work on my books. Working on something that can distract me, but will also have the potential to help me down the road is also a good bonus. If that doesn’t work, then lifting weights is definitely a go-to. If I’m angry and seeing red then I need to be alone, and definitely, go to the gym and throw some weight around. I need to inflict pain on myself and that’s the best way to do it. Plus as an added bonus I will feel much better after and get stronger, so really it’s a win-win.

That’s why our happy place, or are alone time is so important and so crucial to our sanity. Everyone has to be able to blow off some steam at some point, whatever it is. Some people handle it and go about it all differently. It really doesn’t matter, whether it’s yoga, knitting, or reading. If it makes you happy and brings you back down and calms you, then who cares what people think.

Make The Most Of It

I’ll be honest there have been times where my friends wanted to do something or go out and I said I can’t. Most of the time, it was because I wanted to journal or work on my books. I didn’t care I needed that me time, and every time I did that it brought me that much closer to finishing my book. Now, are they published or do I have representation, well no unfortunately not yet. Yes, if you are wondering it SUCKS and if you weren’t wondering well now you know. That’s life though, everything happens for a reason and you just have to roll with it.

I’m drawing a blank on who said it or the quote itself. “We each have a hand of cards and that’s all the cards we have. What you make of it and do with them is what you get out of life.” Hopefully, I didn’t mess it up too much, hopefully, you understand what I’m saying. Life is what you make of it, some days it won’t be pretty. Some days it will be awesome, others you’re just going to want to crawl into a hole and hide. After those moments and whatever you do with them, that’s the kind of life you’re going to have. Make the most of that hand you were dealt with, or just fold and give up. What are you going to do with that hand?

My Faults

Definition

Faults, is an unattractive or unsatisfactory feature, especially in a piece of work or in a person’s character. Unfortunately, we all have them, things we don’t like about ourselves things we wish we could change or do differently. Well, that’s maybe what you’re thinking, not me, I’m what they call perfect and have no faults, unlike YOU, haha kidding. Well, that’s a lie, I’m just trying to be funny. Of course, I have my faults, I have a lot, that’s why I’m writing about it right now.

One of my worse faults, that really brings me down. Honestly, I think it has damaged me for so long because I have been doing it for so long. I’m so hard on myself and I’m such a tuff critic toward myself. On one side I expect perfection which isn’t the worse attitude I guess, but definitely not great. On the flip side, If I mess up or do something wrong, I’m so hard on myself. Calling myself names, Idiot, stupid, why did you say that or why didn’t you do this.

It Takes Time

I feel like I take it to another level, plus with me having that attitude and negative attitude toward myself for so many years now. Again establishing that mindset and demanding perfection at the young age of six and now being 27. You do the math, that is a long time of breaking myself down, day in and day out. As you can see It’s not something I can fix overnight or fix in a day or two. It will be hard, and it will certainly be a process.

Another fault of mine that I don’t like, Is I’m dyslexic and horrible at spelling, grammar, and a slow reader and everything along that. Hence the reason why I didn’t like school and why it wasn’t fun and affected me for so long. So yes if you’re wondering, I have written three books now with a combined total of roughly 250,000 words altogether. That is one of my many faults I have, and it bothers me every day and it’s something I have to deal with every day and the rest of my life.

Different

That’s why I’m a different person now, I have recognized my faults and weaknesses and are working to try and get better at them every day. That’s why I read so much now, that’s why I’m doing this blog, well one of the reasons. To show you that we’re all different, and we all have things about ourselves we don’t like.

If you read my posts and notice, maybe a misspelled word or punctuation or grammar is a little off. That’s because I want it to be real and not fake. I want you to know who I really am, and I’m trying to get better every day with my weaknesses and faults. If I had someone check my posts every time, then it would not be completely me, and I feel like I would be lying to you a little bit. When you read my posts and see the mistakes, and I’m sure there will be a lot, sorry. You know that I’m putting myself out there and trying to show you the real me and who I am.

Scary

Again it scares the crap out of me doing this, knowing what judgment might be coming my way and waiting for me. I want people to like me, I want to be everyone’s friend. Will, that happen of course not, you can’t please everybody? Why do we have to hate someone because they are different than us, why can’t we accept it? Maybe instead of hating or laughing at someone because they can’t do something or maybe aren’t as good as you in something. Maybe you should offer up your services to help them, help them get better and fix that weakness that’s holding them back from being a better version of themselves?

Looking at yourself now, standing in front of a full-length mirror of yourself. You can see your feet all the way to your head, what do you see? Are you proud of what you see? I’m not just talking your body, in general, I’m talking about all the above. Your attitude, your effort you give the world every day. Are you proud of it? Or are you embarrassed about the time you waste or the lack of effort you put in? I want you to actually try this, look at yourself in a mirror and seriously grade yourself. What do you see? If you don’t like the way your body looks, start eating right and working out. If you don’t like the effort that you have been putting in at work or every day, then fix it.

The Past

You can’t fix the past and what you did yesterday, last week, or even a year or two ago. That’s over you have to accept what you have done and what happened and move on. You are in the present, stop living in the past and start getting better now. Start preparing yourself for what’s to come and make your future better than your past. Time goes so fast, now is the time to start working and make yourself better.

Don’t waste any more time, decide to do it. Even if you’re scared or have a little fear and nervous about what you want to do. That’s normal if you’re nervous or have a little fear that’s good. Use that fear and nerves that you have, and flip it and turn it into something better. Stop wasting time, come up with a plan and make it happen. No more excuses, figure out the problem in front of you, conquer it and better yourself.

My Regrets

My Regrets Is An Interesting Topic

Well at least for me it is maybe. For me, I have one regret and one regret only in my 27 years of existence so far. Sure there were moments I wish I did this or didn’t do that, but there is only one major thing I have to live with. Now the only downside to having my regrets or just one in this case. If I didn’t have it and go through what I did to get where I am now in life. Then where would I be? Would I be the same person, or even have the same mindset and drive that I have now?

You already know my background and my earlier years growing up. How I struggled with school and all my ups and downs. With all of that done now and looking back, it still bothers me thinking about my High School days. HS is supposed to be one of the best times of our lives, and it was for me.

Then again it was also one of the worst times too. I used my disability and having dyslexia as an excuse for going through school, and I paid the price for it. With where I am now in life, did I really pay for it? I have never been more hungry and determined to achieve this goal of mine. Maybe it was a sacrifice I had to pay. In the end, wouldn’t you sacrifice something to make a difference or achieve that goal and purpose you have been dreaming and searching for?

I Miss It

Not just in school anymore, I think it carried over to what I thought was going to take me somewhere, sports. Growing up baseball and basketball were my spots all my earlier years. School dominated me and had my number and I couldn’t focus on it. When it came to sports I felt like Einstein. I was so good and looking ahead and seeing the game from a different angle and always quick and ready for the next play.

In school I wasn’t a big-time scorer, in HS I maybe averaged 10-15 points something like that. When it came to defense It was easier for me and came more natural than becoming a scoring threat. I also loved passing, I would rather get 10 dimes a game, then averaging 20 points. It was more enjoyable controlling the game and where the ball was going. I controlled it and had the power, instead of me working for it and getting open. It didn’t hurt having the accuracy and strength to make the hard passes also.

Before I Tell You

I knew I had the physical talent and I knew I could play. I could do everything, I was the whole package. Not being cocky, but I could shot, pass, defend, I was fast, quick and had long arms. Now for some reason my body just couldn’t keep up, my mind and body just seem to be on two different levels. It was very frustrating because I didn’t think I was playing to my full potential.

Crap why aren’t I playing to my full potential then? Why am I holding back, what’s the point? I have nothing to lose what am I afraid of? The next thing I knew graduation came and I received my piece of paper and walking down the stage and that was it.

With All Of That Said

The point I’m trying to make here is this. Even though I didn’t play to my full potential and didn’t try as hard as I could have, or should have in sports and school. I WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING, going through those moments and four years. It helped make the person I am today, sure I would have loved playing a sport in college and getting a taste of that life. Then thinking about it now, school wasn’t for me so in order for me to go, it would have to be a perfect fit. Nobody’s story is going to be perfect and glorious as the movies.

Honestly, who would want a perfect life like that? For me everything that I have battled or dealt with the last 27 years. It all played a part in who I am today, and brought me to this very moment and made me the awesome, funny, and sexy person I am today HA.

Your Life Is A Book

Each chapter is a year, and once it’s December 31st its over and a new chapter begins January 1st. After my earlier years in my twenties, I just got sick of the same thing. Enough was enough, feeling guilty and showing pity for myself. Yes, it sucks, and I can’t go back and its almost been 10 years since I graduated, that all is horrible and feels weird saying that.

A few good things about that is this. First I’m not dead, my heart is still beating and I’m breathing so I have another chance. With my life and what I did, and the attitude and mindset I chose to have in HS. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way, sometimes though I think we have to learn the hard way. It makes us stronger and a better person for it.

Give Back

Now I can help kids not make the same mistakes I made. Try harder in school as much as you hate it, I get it most of us hate it. Life goes so fast, and this should be the BEST times of your life. Not up and down, and ok or below par times for the most part like it was for me.

One good thing with my story and what I have learned and sharing with you all now. Who knows maybe that will make a difference in a kids life that was struggling. Maybe it was that little push they needed to keep going and not give up.

My Goals

What Are Your Goals

People I have talked to, books I have read, or podcasts I have listened to within the last few years. It’s unbelievable the number of people that don’t have goals or kind of just roll with whatever it is they want to do or are aiming for in life. They might say, ooh that would be cool to do that or maybe one day I hope to have this or that. I don’t think that’s a goal, you have heard that statement hundreds of times.

Without a plan and just going with the flow or whatever it is you are doing day in and day out. If that’s your attitude, then what you think are goals are actually just dreams. If you’re not going after it with everything you have and giving it your all, then what are you really accomplishing? Honestly, it almost seems kind of pointless, if you are not fully committing to it.

I Think I Understand

Again how I said I think I’m starting to put everything together, and starting to understand life a little bit? Well, this is just my opinion, and what I think of course. I mean it’s my website it’s all my opinions haha. With me being a Christian and believing in something bigger than myself, we were all put here for a reason. I also believe why we are on earth and living out a purpose and are duties that are already planned out for us. I believe that God gives us some choices that will lead to whatever it is we are destined to do or follow through with.

With that said, with whatever time you and I have left on Earth. Don’t you think it’s time to change your ways and start trying to better yourself and make the most of it? In my earlier years, I was lazy and like I said earlier I just rolled with whatever came my way. I complained about it and didn’t do anything about it. I just let that cloud hang around and stay with me for far too long. It’s too late now to go back in time to fix my mistakes and fix my poor attitude I had in school all of those years.

Write It Out

With everything I said, I’m not perfect I miss writing down my goals some days I’ll admit it. Even If I miss a day or two of writing them down. Next, to my bedroom door, I have my list. At the top it’s marked March 25, 2020, so if you’re wondering what that day is? That’s the day I turn 30 and that’s the day that I want to accomplish all of my goals. I have about five or six that are my main focus and what I’m really working towards. Then I have a few others that I want to accomplish. They are more physical so if my body holds up and I’m healthy, then I’ll go for it.

Here are my goals, and they have been on my board next to my door since July 12, 2015. That’s when I decided to do this, and that’s really when my new mindset began to shift. Enough was enough, one day it just hit me. It was about time I do something with my life and started working towards something. You can be a new person like I’m trying to be, all you have to do is decide right now? It really is that simple, decide what it is you want in life. Come up with a plan and do something about it.

Time

Stop wasting time, every day is special and WE all, I definitely included in that. I think it’s about time we start showing this gift that we are given every day that we call TIME, some respect. We need to start making the most of our life. Stop taking advantage of this beautiful gift we get every day. What are you going to do about it? Make something of yourself or just say screw it and just keep wasting time? What are you going to decide and do from this point going forward?

Learning Disability

Chapter 3

My learning Disability is probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me. At the same time, one of the best things that have ever happened to me. I was diagnosed in 2nd-grade. 

School

School through those years, was HELL for me. Sure, there were good days and good times, of course, no question about it. If I had a few good days or a week, the following week or month would be worse. It felt like a giant roller coaster, going up and down, twist and turns bouncing all over the place.

As the years went on, my issues and LD problem seem to get worse. Now that I was getting older, and school got harder and I was getting farther and farther behind. Even though I had a handicap that didn’t matter. I still had to keep up with the homework and the tests.

Embarrassment

If I was in middle school 7th or 8th grade. My reading level was a 3rd or 4th-grade level. I couldn’t spell, I was very slow at reading. I just struggled all around with everything that had to do with school. Even with getting extra help from the teachers, I still struggled. The teachers would always make sure I had a seat upfront. Just so I would be closer and maybe that would help me pay attention better. News flash it didn’t help.

Sometimes I would get an extra day or two if we had a big project. If we had a test and I didn’t finish by the end of the class. I could stay and finish it, or go to another room and finish it. I would get extra time on big tests, or a teacher would read the questions to me. Imagine how I felt with that, having a “special” teacher in the room with me with my whole class. I would just get so embarrassed and felt stupid. I just wanted to crawl into a hole. They tried everything to help me. I’m beyond grateful for all the help from all of my teachers over the years.

New

Bring on freshman year, I’m at a new school and finally in High School. Only four more years Peter and you are free, from this prison. That’s all I kept telling myself. On the flip side, only four more years and then WHAT is all I kept telling myself? It was a catch 22, I will be done with school. I’m sure as heck not going to college, what will I do then? All of these thoughts were going through my head, almost every day of HS.

Every day I got closer to my ultimate goal of getting that stupid piece of pepper and graduating. I had NO clue what to do next? I was so focused on graduating and reaching that milestone that was my one and only goal at the time. The only problem with that attitude and focus day in and day out. I focused on the future too much and missed out on my present as the days went by? The next thing I knew, graduation morning was here and I just squeaked by with a 2.0 GPA. I’m not proud of it, but I passed I didn’t care. 

My Issues

To this day, and every day that follows I will always have trouble, and my issues will always hang over me like a cloud where ever I go. Now at the age of 28, I’m starting to get better with it every day. I’m getting to the point, I have this disability and this handicap and it won’t change, I just have to roll with it. For the longest time I would Pray and a plea to God, why me, why did you do this?

I still don’t have the answer and I still don’t know what my purpose is. In the meantime, maybe I could turn this weakness of mine into something better? Maybe I could turn this, stupid disability into something bigger and better and try and make a difference with it?

Big Names

Did you know there are a lot of big names that are Dyslexic? Albert Einstein, Richard Branson, The Wright Brothers, Henry Winkler, Henry Ford, Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell, Steve Jobs, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Walt Disney, John F. Kennedy, Tom Cruise. As you can see they all went on to accomplish amazing things.

That’s why I can’t use it as an excuse anymore. I may not become a president, or an actor, to name a few. That doesn’t mean I can’t be successful. It just means I need to work a little harder. Get up a little earlier than the average person to get ahead. The good thing is, I don’t want to be average and just fit in anymore. That’s not me anymore, there’s a new Peter in town. I want to stand out and make a difference in the world. Having an impact on people’s lives is what I want. Every day I want to do the best I can until I take my last breath.

Mindset

If I want to publish my books. That means I’m going to have to work harder than most, just to keep up with people around me. I want to make the most of my life now and make an impact on people’s lives.

With all of that said I can’t keep moping about with this cloud hanging over me. These were the cards I was dealt with. I need to make it work and keep going. My LD is stuck with me, I have to accept that now. I can’t change that, it’s who I am. Even though that’s who I am, it doesn’t mean I can’t put it to good use. With my new mindset, I have started to build the last few years. It’s an easy answer, challenge excepted. 

My First Post

Welcome

Welcome to my first post The World Through My Dyslexic Eyes. This is the real Peter A Harrower. One of the reasons why I’m doing this is to get my name out there. To share with people who I really am, and what I’m really about. I’ve kept so much inside of me and kept a lot of my life private. It’s time to share that with the world and try and turn it into something positive.

My goal is to become a published author and to share my writing with the world. We all have our gifts and talents. Of course, we all have our weaknesses or even things we wish we could change. That’s what makes every one of us special, we are all unique and special in our own way. This is my first post and all new to me. Be patient why I try and figure this out haha. 

Like me for example, I guess this is my blog so of course it will be about me a little bit. A positive, I was athletic all my life, sports were very easy for me to play or pick up. A negative, I have a Learning Disability so I was not good at school. School was very hard for me and a struggle, it was hell all those years I won’t lie.

Dyslexia

I was diagnosed at a young age, with that in the back of my head. Let’s just say growing up through the years with school and my personal life. I developed a lot of personal issues, it all started at a young age. I have been dealing with or battling since I was six years old, it hasn’t always been easy. Of course, at a young age going through all of these difficulties, I didn’t have much confidence in myself. I was always talking negatively toward myself, things along that.

With that said, I realized that I had this disability and I have to deal with it. There’s nothing I can do about it. That’s life; it was the cards I was dealt with. If I want to be successful and win in life, like I know I’m capable of. Then I have to change my ways and the lifestyle I’m living now. I can’t make excuses anymore and blame my disability. Just because I’m dyslexic or different from everyone else doesn’t mean I can’t do anything or be successful? It just means it might take me a lot longer. If it takes me a few extra turns to get to my destination or going at a slower speed. It is something I’m used to and have been dealing with my whole life.

My Comfort Zone

With my new mindset, I decided to enter a field that scared the CRAP out of me. A field that would take me way out of my comfort zone. I want to become a writer, not a one and done like some music artists. I don’t want one published book and that’s it and I move on. No, I have BIG goals; I want to share my story with the world. If you’re going to dream for something and work towards something, you might as well make it big. It should be big enough that you’re nervous about telling people. Expect them to laugh at you for chasing that goal, or judge you for pursuing that. If you don’t have that feeling, then honestly maybe those goals aren’t as big as they should be?

Welcome to my life, and my first post. All though it’s not perfect, let’s be real what life is perfect? Except for maybe in a video game or movie? We all have our ups and down’s some more than others, or some have it easier than others. Yes, that might suck sometimes, or most times. It won’t do you any good sitting around crying about it anymore. I’ve had more than enough moments like that in my life now. I’m 27, it’s time to do something with myself, and stop complaining about it. Welcome to my world, The World Through My Dyslexic Eyes.