I’m My Worst Critic

I Don’t Care

Critic- a person who expresses an unfavorable opinion of something. I know for a fact I’m my worst critic. I have been judging and trying to hold myself to a certain standard ever since I was a little kid.  When I didn’t do well in something or I messed up on homework or a test and didn’t pass or do a good job. Trust me, I let myself have it. Not every time because honestly sometimes or most times when I didn’t care, well it’s that simple I didn’t care.

In all reality I did care, I just tried playing it cool saying it was whatever or I didn’t care. Some days I did care so when I tried and studied or attempted to study more than normal and do the best I can and I still didn’t pass. That was around the time I just gave up again. I said to myself, now I know why I didn’t care.

Fred

I’ll save you the details of what I would say to myself, you people are smart just use your imagination. Taking it to a whole new level is what I do best. Personal attacks and insults were my specialties. In the end that was one of the reasons, I held myself to all of these standards. That’s when I became my hardest critic. I had something to prove not just to my parents and teachers letting them know I can do it. It was beyond that I had to prove my other self, my other side of me (Fred) a reference from my book.

When it was Peter vs Fred, Fred would always win about 90% of the time. To be fair Peter didn’t really put up much of a fight. I was so weak and fragile and vulnerable that I didn’t care most of the time.

That’s why when it comes to rejection and hearing negative statements directed at me. I’m used to it and I have been hearing it for years. Not just from myself, there were others. Receiving 105 emails from agents who weren’t interested in my book.

It’s A Miracle

I received horrible grades on a regular then it all becomes normal and happening on a regular day. It was rare for me to receive an A in school. The only A’s I really received was for good attendance, or working with a group on a school project. If somehow I received an A and I pulled it off it was a miracle of course, or I might have cheated if I was desperate enough. It was like watching something rare like witnessing a shooting star. If your lucky enough you might just see it, and it will only last a second or two then poof, it’s gone.

For me for example in my earlier years,  It was always negative 24-7, not too many positive thoughts in my young mind growing up. Again having that criticism and standards so high and at such a young age. I was always destined to fail and never reach my goals. I was setting myself up for failure from the beginning. The feeling I was feeling was yes painful and hurt. I was also feeling something for a change. Again I know it was wrong and bad. I was lost and confused at the time I was taking what I got.

2018

For far too long Fred was leading the race, and it wasn’t even close. My other side was killing me at my own game in controlling me, my alter ego was dominating me and it wasn’t even close. Once I sank to more depression and darker thoughts, with my negative mind Fred’s lead kept getting bigger and bigger.

As time went on and I started to change and not take everything so personal and started to change the last few years. His lead became shorter and shorter and Peter was coming from behind and catching up. Now with 2017 almost over and 2018 just around the corner, it’s neck and neck for who’s gonna cross the finish line first. Now the momentum has switched and Peter is slowly starting to take the lead.

Personal

With that said there is nothing wrong with being you’re own critic and having that mindset. Not trying to sound like a hypocrite but don’t take it so personally. I know easier said than done sometimes. Unfortunately, I still take it personally when I’m judging myself for whatever it is I’m doing. Again it’s a work in progress, I have been this way for 21 years now and I’m 27. Keep that in mind, we all are in different races and our own battles every day.

My biggest battle is within myself, Its Peter vs Fred. After all of this time, I’m starting to figure it out. How you respond to your critics is what makes or breaks you. Are you going to use it as fuel and to keep you motivated and moving along? Or are you gonna take it personally and let it beat you? The choice is yours and yours alone. Only the real you can make that choice, not you’re alter ego. So what are you going to choose, and what side do you want to be leading the race. You or you’re alter ego?