Category: Fears

A Fear For Me

Can Fears Be Healthy

I know I have talked about fears a lot. But I think it’s normal to have fears and a good thing. I think fears help you to feel alive and help you to keep living and moving forward. If you don’t fear anything, then what are the chances of you wanting to pursue something new or challenge yourself to get better and grow in life?

A fear for me that popped in my head recently and don’t ask me where this came from. One day this thought just hit me. What if I publish all the books I was meant to create and write. I made enough money to have writing and speaking be my full-time job. Even though I don’t think I can call it a job, I would call it a blessing and an awesome opportunity. I finally accomplish my third big goal in life and become a father.

Blessed

After accomplishing those goals that I have been so focused on and had tunnel vision on for so many years. What if after accomplishing all of this and I still don’t feel accomplished or I feel I have more to prove to myself or the world? The next question is who do I need to prove this to? Myself, the world, my peers that didn’t believe in me? Which I don’t think I know many people that didn’t believe in me. They might have thought my dreams and goals were big and crazy, well they aren’t wrong they are big and crazy.

This is why this thought bothers me and I’m not sure how to take it. Right now, I’m a very lucky man. I’m married to my beautiful wife, I have a great family on both sides. I have 20 nephews and nieces, I think, I dont know it’s alot. I have amazing people around me. A job that I make a decent income, not great but enough that helps us pay off some debt and helps Lindsay and our future look a little better and more promising. She has an amazing job and makes good money and we have a house and an awesome Pit Bull name Bella. Now we have a new book out about Bella and I helped my wife pursue something she never could have pictured, becoming an author.

I’m A Lucky Man

The reason why I feel so lucky and blessed is that I look at my past and where I was and where I am now. I never thought I would get here. I never thought I would get married, and in two weeks Lindsay and I will be celebrating our one year anniversary.

With that said I have an amazing life and excited about the future. But why do I put all of this pressure on me and keep telling myself I have something to prove to people? I know it’s in my head. Like I said I never had a teacher or someone tell me, Peter, there is no way you could ever publish a book in your life. You’re stupid you have Dyslexia and when you graduated high school you know you probably have the same IQ of a middle school kid? I didn’t have any of that negative feedback.

Me vs Me

Do you know the biggest person I have to prove that I have to be successful is myself? By proving myself, Peter Alexander Harrower that I so-called “made it in life” was always something I was searching for from a young age. I put all of this pressure on me when I was younger. I don’t need to consider myself successful by how big my bank account is. When I was younger I thought that determined it, but that’s not true and I was wrong. Do I want money and want to make enough money to have writing provide a great life for my family absolutely? But I dont think I should have to apoligize about that. Money is not what got me into writting all of those years ago.

I feel like I need to prove to my old self that it doesn’t matter where you were at one point in your life. It doesn’t matter what you struggled with or still struggle with. I’m dyslexic and still hate reading, and slow with it. But now I’m a two time published author and can put that on my life resume.

Work Hard

If people would ask me before what I do for a living. I would just say I work for my dad and I write on the side. Now, if they ask me that question, I can say I’m an author and I also work for my dad. I’m not saying that to brag and think I’m a big shot, that’s not it at all. If you read my book you will understand why I say that now.

I never thought I would become an author, it took four years working on my book. I have been working on my first book on and off for over eight years now. This wasn’t something I picked up yesterday. I’m trying to push myself so much and so far, to prove not to myself now but to the world and kids that with a little hard work and determination. The opportunities in front of them are endless. They can accomplish whatever they want in life.

Just Getting Started

The thing I struggle with the most sometimes or most times, is not enjoying the moment and the accomplishment. I always thought I would cry when I healed my book in my hands for the first time. The first time that happened I didn’t feel anything, it made me so mad and it scared me. That’s why I feel like I’m only beginning. I feel like I have a lot to prove and there is a lot more I can do in my life now and in the future.

Part 2 next week, stay tuned.

Face Your Fear

Chapter 5

If you want to grow in life one of the ways I believe to do that is to face your fears. Now I had a lot of fears growing up. I’m not proud of that but what can I say, I was damaged at a young age and that was holding me back from really living and seeing life the way I see it now. One of my many fears was myself. Again, I hated myself for a long time and struggled with that for years. I never thought I was good enough.

Some time went by and I realized I can’t hide anymore. I believe that I have a unique story so why not do something with it. That’s when I decide to write The World Through My Dyslexic Eyes. I realized in the summer of 2014 It is time to share my story with the world. But there was one little problem with that. I didn’t want to share my story with the world and it scared the crap out of me. At the time that was probably one of the scariest things to me that I was doing. Letting YOU into my daily life and showing you what my world looks like regularly.

Look At The Positive

When I shared my blog for the first time and made it live. At the time that was probably the scariest thing, I have ever done. With doing that people are going to know your faults and what you’re not good at? How much anger you have inside of you how dark you were for a long time. All of the bad and negative stuff you were battling for years and that you were trying to hide from everybody.

Naturally that all crossed my mind thinking about that. Before I hit send to tell everyone on Facebook and Instagram what I was doing. As funny as it sounds I had to wait for a second or two and take it all in. Peter, I don’t think you understand the kind of backlash and the negative effect that might follow after doing this? But on the positive side, with me opening up more about it. Look at all of the good I can do with sharing my unique story with the world? This was a legitimate conversation and fear I had before I made my website live.

My Emotion

What if 50% or 60% of the people that read my blog posts or my book don’t believe me. Well, that will be too bad because I guess reading my content they can’t see the passion and the emotion that I’m spilling onto the paper in front of them. They will never understand what my life is like on a daily basis. They could never understand how embarrassing it was reading in front of my class in school. Not being able to read fast or spell words correctly. Or worse knowing that a kid four or five years younger or more are probably smarter than me.

If they can’t see how hard that is as a 28-year-old man, then maybe I’m not supposed to be writing anymore. Maybe I did something wrong with trying to share with the world that its ok if you’re not good at something.

The Smaller Percentage

Now, what if I’m able to connect with the remaining percentage of the people that understand my stuff? Connecting with the other 50% or 40% of the people that get what I’m trying to do and share with the world? It’s not about the money. It’s not about the fame and the recognition. I HATE being the center of attention. I’m not that confident in myself and still struggle with that. I realized that sharing my story that more good could come from it than bad.

Like I referenced in my book. If sacrificing myself to the wolves by sharing my inner darkest secrets and my side effects and what I struggle with every day. Then so be it who cares what the other percentage thinks of me and says. I’m not doing this for them.

My Purpose

What started this passion is I think I found something that I’m good at. Being very creative and writing stories and making stories up from the top of my head. I don’t need notes or an outline I’m different then most authors, I think I have made that clear by now haha. Once I figure out what topic I’m writing about, I go to work.

I let my mind take over and let my hands do the work. I put my headphones in listening to my music and could write for hours a day. What started out as a hobby, quickly turned into an obsession. Now I’m starting to turn my obsession into my future career.

Writing and doing what I’m doing now has given me purpose. Sharing my crazy story with the world with wanting to do some good with it for a change and helping kids like myself is all I want. To write full time as my career and help kids like myself. I know what that struggle is like. Not believing in yourself, lacking confidence or finding purpose.

Go All In

That was me every day for most of my life, till four years ago it changed. I decide I’m going all in I’m not trying I’m DOING this writing as a career. It might not happen in the next couple of years. Maybe it won’t happen till I’m 30 but I can’t give up now. I strongly believe God put this on my heart for a reason. I can’t stop now I’m only getting started.

Don’t be scared, believe in yourself. I didn’t fully believe in myself from a young age. But I was still doing it because it takes time and you have to be patient another thing I struggle with. Do the work take a chance and enjoy the ride. You only get one life, why not roll the dice and go all in for what you want to do?

My Commitment

My Version

Commitment is something that has always been important to me. Commitment is something I always dreamed about and wondered what it would be like to be committed to someone and get married? I always thought what it would finally feel like for me to be able to share my commitment with someone else? There was one problem with thinking about my future commitment, I never actually thought it would happen to me.

For most of my life starting around six years old all the way to the begging of this year. In that time frame is about 22 years something like that. I never thought I actually would be getting married. I always dreamed and prayed for it for years. But in all reality my negative mindset and my reality that I saw everyday put up a brick wall thinking anyone could ever love me one day.

Wasn’t For Me

No girl could ever love me or date me. That’s impossible, and never going to happen. I have had this mindset for 22 years. In that time, I have been my toughest critic and my worst enemy in those years. I’ve been filled with hatred toward myself for years. I never thought I could find the love of my life. I can’t blame anyone for my negative and screwed up mentality that I have had for most of my life. The only one I can blame is myself.

I just snuck by graduating high school, I have no college degree. I have had in my life so far eight jobs I believe and I’m only 28. My longest job and relationship has been at Nike for almost four years. I have bounced around from job to job. I could never find something and stick with it because honestly after a while I got bored with it and I needed something new. This job wasn’t for me anymore, at least that’s what I felt like and told myself.

I Was Wrong

Now I was still thinking this way earlier January of 2018. Fast forward to getting married on October 6th and now it’s a week away from Christmas. I have been married for over two months now. You know what I have learned in that time period so far. Well, I have learned a lot haha. But one of the things that stuck out for me the most. I still do not understand women after all of this time with three sisters and my mom haha. But I also realized how completely wrong I was about commitment and my outlook toward it.

I have been scared of commitment and dating all of my life because of what I saw through my eyes daily. Not realizing that everyone is not like me or has the same outlook towards life. There are actually other people in the world who aren’t like me, and who think differently from me. I know it’s crazy isn’t it haha.

The Struggle

Here I was for most of my life looking at all the women I’ve talked to over the years. Thinking to myself what they saw and how I saw myself. Not realizing they are different and see things differently than myself.

I have had this conversation a few times with my wife about this. She doesn’t like hearing it because how I see myself is not how she sees myself. Not only is that awesome and amazing with what I have been through over the years but I’m glad nobody sees what I go through and see every day. I’m clearly not perfect and not anywhere close to being in the same time zone of perfection. I still struggle with this daily.

My Ultimate Prize

Sometimes I think why is Lindsay married to me? Again, she gets upset when I think this sometimes or say this stuff. Again, confidence and I have always had a tough relationship over the years. I’m still working on it.

With everything I have shared about my commitment and what I thought of it. I clearly don’t know what I’m talking about because my beautiful wife doesn’t see anything that I see haha. I’m glad about that, what she sees is well you can ask her if you’re that curious. All I can say is I’m glad she doesn’t see what is going on between my ears daily.

Will I screw up over the years absolutely thousands of times. Will I always be working on trying to better myself and doing the best I can. I won’t stop till the day I die. Because now my ultimate dream has come true, I found my Lioness. I have the ultimate prize I have been searching for in my life. I found my great white buffalo. No I’m not calling Lindsay a buffalo don’t worry, it’s from a movie haha.

I’m A Lucky Man

Yes, the other prizes that I’m working towards are, a career in writing and becoming an author and writing books and sharing my story. That will always be my dream and the earthly goal that I’m trying to reach by helping kids and impacting young adults. With that, in the end, I never thought I could be married or in a commitment with someone else other than my family. Well, I was wrong and I’m happy to admit that, this time haha.

I was so focused on what I thought about myself and what I saw every day, I didn’t consider that other people could see something different in me. I just want to let you know it’s possible and I’m living proof of that.

I’m so close to publishing my first book in the same calendar year, what else do I need? I’m very close to accomplishing my number one goal for over seven years now. I know how blessed I am and how thankful I should be. I see that now and one day you will be sitting where I am thinking the exact same thing.