Being Alone Scares Me

Day 23

Being alone I’m sure is a fear for all of us. Some might be if their spouse dies and they are alone. Never get married, or constantly need to be around people. There are a few examples of how you could say being alone is a fear. My biggest fear of being alone is never getting married and finding that special someone. Or another one is losing my family could tie into that as well.

Even though I have this amazing family and I truly am blessed and lucky that God gave them to me. Two parents, three sisters, two brother-in-laws and their families and 10 nephews and nieces. I truly am lucky and have a big family. I know how lucky I have it, even with having my parents and sisters growing up all my life. Part of me still feels alone through the years growing up. I think part of me will always be alone my whole life. Now having my family and friends, of course, the hobbies that I love helps fill those holes somedays. Somedays as lucky as I am to have them, in the end. I don’t think they will ever truly know me, until finish telling my story.

I Still Struggle

This might sound harsh, and maybe I’m looking into this a little too much. Which is something I do very well haha. I know what it was like for me growing up with my disability and issues I have. Not trying to be dramatic, but it really did affect me to this day. It’s very hard to open up about it and who I really am. I hated myself growing up, and was filled with so much darkness and anger and rage over the years. I’m sure my sisters and parents could tell you stories, but as angry as I got some days. I don’t think all of my true colors really showed through those days. I think what they saw was only a small helping of what was really buried deep within me.

I’m not saying all of this for the attention and the pity, I have said this before and I’ll say it again. I don’t want you to feel bad for me or apologize. That’s not why I’m doing this. A lot of people have it worse than me, and they probably don’t have half of the problems that I developed over the years. Yes, every situation or problem we face might all have a different outcome, I’m sure we all can agree about that. Now the outcome we all let come out or we deiced to share with the world well that’s on us.

Clean Slate

I was six years old when all of this happened, I was a kid and only just starting my life. I didn’t know how to control my emotions or my thoughts yet. The anger and darkness that was stored up inside of me was a bad quality to have. This is why being alone I think scares me the most. I’m trying to run away from that darkness and my old ways for good.

It’s just not that easy getting out of bad habits sometimes I guess. My bad habit is staying in the darkness and keeping to myself. A question I asked myself multiple times. If you’re scared of being alone and its one of your many fears, why don’t you open up more and share what you’re really thinking? For the longest time what I was truly feeling and my real feelings and emotions I had, I tried hiding them from everyone.

My Bubble

Instead of trying to deal with these emotions and feelings like what you should do. I was embarrassed and ashamed of who I was and scared of what was waiting for me. Therefore, I stayed within my personal bubble in front of me. Which at the time and as the years went by, that bubble wasn’t very big haha. If I’m scared to be alone then don’t you think it makes sense letting people in and being around people? Yes, you’re not wrong and that makes sense.

Again, this all ties back to keeping myself and being scared and ashamed. In the end, I’m an introvert, even having this big family. To this day I always keep to myself and need and love my alone time. That’s when I do my best work with no distractions and just my thoughts and I’m free to write and unwind mentally or workout. Those two examples are very important to me, throw in some headphones and go to work physically and mentally. To me writing and working out is not work for me. Yes, I know I’m physically working, I get that. To me it does feel like work, they both make me happy and I love doing them every day.

Finally

That’s what makes it kind of hard and scary about wanting to be alone. Being an introvert at heart I need my alone time and my personal space to reflect and unwind. It’s important to have my family an arm’s length away when I need them. I know that might sound kind of bad, well I’ll only use them when I need them. It’s not like that, they know how much I care and for the most part who I am.

Just like they have their hobbies and time they need, it’s just like me. I know who I am and what my needs are, and my faults and issues I have. I mean I have battled the same issues for 20 years now. It’s the same issues every day for 20 years straight. I now recognized who I am and the things I need to work on and fix. For years I was trying to bury my issues and hide them from others, even myself. What good has that done, nothing. The question you need to ask yourself is who are you, and what do you need to fix?