My Commitment

My Version

Commitment is something that has always been important to me. Commitment is something I always dreamed about and wondered what it would be like to be committed to someone and get married? I always thought what it would finally feel like for me to be able to share my commitment with someone else? There was one problem with thinking about my future commitment, I never actually thought it would happen to me.

For most of my life starting around six years old all the way to the begging of this year. In that time frame is about 22 years something like that. I never thought I actually would be getting married. I always dreamed and prayed for it for years. But in all reality my negative mindset and my reality that I saw everyday put up a brick wall thinking anyone could ever love me one day.

Wasn’t For Me

No girl could ever love me or date me. That’s impossible, and never going to happen. I have had this mindset for 22 years. In that time, I have been my toughest critic and my worst enemy in those years. I’ve been filled with hatred toward myself for years. I never thought I could find the love of my life. I can’t blame anyone for my negative and screwed up mentality that I have had for most of my life. The only one I can blame is myself.

I just snuck by graduating high school, I have no college degree. I have had in my life so far eight jobs I believe and I’m only 28. My longest job and relationship has been at Nike for almost four years. I have bounced around from job to job. I could never find something and stick with it because honestly after a while I got bored with it and I needed something new. This job wasn’t for me anymore, at least that’s what I felt like and told myself.

I Was Wrong

Now I was still thinking this way earlier January of 2018. Fast forward to getting married on October 6th and now it’s a week away from Christmas. I have been married for over two months now. You know what I have learned in that time period so far. Well, I have learned a lot haha. But one of the things that stuck out for me the most. I still do not understand women after all of this time with three sisters and my mom haha. But I also realized how completely wrong I was about commitment and my outlook toward it.

I have been scared of commitment and dating all of my life because of what I saw through my eyes daily. Not realizing that everyone is not like me or has the same outlook towards life. There are actually other people in the world who aren’t like me, and who think differently from me. I know it’s crazy isn’t it haha.

The Struggle

Here I was for most of my life looking at all the women I’ve talked to over the years. Thinking to myself what they saw and how I saw myself. Not realizing they are different and see things differently than myself.

I have had this conversation a few times with my wife about this. She doesn’t like hearing it because how I see myself is not how she sees myself. Not only is that awesome and amazing with what I have been through over the years but I’m glad nobody sees what I go through and see every day. I’m clearly not perfect and not anywhere close to being in the same time zone of perfection. I still struggle with this daily.

My Ultimate Prize

Sometimes I think why is Lindsay married to me? Again, she gets upset when I think this sometimes or say this stuff. Again, confidence and I have always had a tough relationship over the years. I’m still working on it.

With everything I have shared about my commitment and what I thought of it. I clearly don’t know what I’m talking about because my beautiful wife doesn’t see anything that I see haha. I’m glad about that, what she sees is well you can ask her if you’re that curious. All I can say is I’m glad she doesn’t see what is going on between my ears daily.

Will I screw up over the years absolutely thousands of times. Will I always be working on trying to better myself and doing the best I can. I won’t stop till the day I die. Because now my ultimate dream has come true, I found my Lioness. I have the ultimate prize I have been searching for in my life. I found my great white buffalo. No I’m not calling Lindsay a buffalo don’t worry, it’s from a movie haha.

I’m A Lucky Man

Yes, the other prizes that I’m working towards are, a career in writing and becoming an author and writing books and sharing my story. That will always be my dream and the earthly goal that I’m trying to reach by helping kids and impacting young adults. With that, in the end, I never thought I could be married or in a commitment with someone else other than my family. Well, I was wrong and I’m happy to admit that, this time haha.

I was so focused on what I thought about myself and what I saw every day, I didn’t consider that other people could see something different in me. I just want to let you know it’s possible and I’m living proof of that.

I’m so close to publishing my first book in the same calendar year, what else do I need? I’m very close to accomplishing my number one goal for over seven years now. I know how blessed I am and how thankful I should be. I see that now and one day you will be sitting where I am thinking the exact same thing.