The Past

Time Machine

I have two questions for you, first, if you could go back in time, would you? Second, if you decide to go back in time what would you do differently? What would you say to your younger self, in the past? Let’s pick this apart a little bit real quick, I mean I guess it’s all about me. Let’s use me as an example haha. If you have read my earlier posts, then you remember my background and struggles. This is a question I asked myself a lot the last few years. Lately, I have been going back and forth on which side I would choose, it’s 50-50.

The reasons why I’m 50-50 are because let’s just said I redo high school again. Going back to the first day of 9th grade, if I could go back that’s where I would start. I would tell myself, Peter, God made you who you are for a reason. For the longest time, I thought he screwed up on me and he made a mistake creating me. It was all a mental game, I was just trying to hurt myself and also try and pity myself at the same time, again 50-50. My life was already planned out years in advance. If I were to go back and start all over. I would have tried harder in high school of course and I would have had a better experience.

Maybe

If I went back and tried a little harder maybe I would be more proud of myself? If that’s the case then who knows where I would be now at 27? I can’t imagine what I would be doing or where I would be If I changed a few things? Maybe I would have had a 3.0 GPA and then went to college. Even with being dyslexic, I didn’t use that as an excuse I powered through anyway and tried my hardest. If only I tried harder in sports and not just rely on my God-given abilities. If only I put in the extra effort in the weight room and in the offseason. Who knows maybe I could have been a 1,000 point scorer for my school or could have played a sport in college.

That’s what I think I would say to myself, or another option of how my life could have turned out. If that is what happened and how it worked out, and the effort I put into school and sports. Then again who knows where I would be, or what I would be doing. Regardless it’s a gamble which direction I would be heading in. As much as I would like to go back and change what I did, and maybe put a little more effort into school. It’s easy to say that and go a different direction when I know the road I have been on the last few years and how hard it has been.

If Only

Trying not to make it sound as cliché as it sounds, if only I knew then what I knew now. I just wished I would have had more confidence to go after whatever was in front of me and not be hesitant or scared. I’m still hesitant and scared sometimes, again afraid of either getting rejected or looking stupid saying the wrong thing. Realistically, I have been saying or doing the wrong thing my whole life when it came to school and life. I have been dealing with a lack of confidence since I was six years old, so again I know what it’s like so what does it really matter anymore? You think I would have learned and thought I know what it feels like, it can’t get much worse, can it?

If it was a life and death situation, someone said I have to choose right now. I wouldn’t change a thing when it’s all said and done. As much as it pains me knowing I could have done better in school and sports I could have tried harder, and pushed myself a little harder. Sure it’s easy to play the, what if game, and if only this happened or I did that. In the end, playing that game is stupid, because the situation is over and it’s in the past now.

Reality

There is nothing we can do about it, we just need to accept it and move on. That’s what I’m trying to do, look at everything I have shared with the world so far. A few years ago, I wouldn’t be sharing any emotions I had or struggles I had. I kept trying to be strong not just for myself but for my family. Trying to be brave with the situation I was in and to show them that I can do it.

In all reality, and on multiple occasions I was close to ending it myself and taking matters into my own hand. Yes, you read that correct, I contemplated suicide hundreds of times. Taking the coward’s way out of life and excepting the fact that it beat me and I was ok with it. I didn’t care anymore I was done, waving the white flag I give up.

That’s why in the end, I know I wasn’t a mistake you and I were all placed here for a reason. God didn’t mess me up or screw anything up; it was a mental battle I was in every day for years. I just finally accepted it after all this time, yes I’m different; I’m slow when it comes to learning and I look at situations differently. Being slow, not being able to spell and read fast, and thinking outside of the box has brought me to this point in my life.

New Me

I now have my own website, I’m blogging and putting my faults out to the public. Trying to give back and help others that are like me. I have now written three books totaling close to 250,000 words between the three. Working on new ideas for books, or projects I want to do.

I have the third book in my trilogy and have thought of two other book ideas. I’m not done, I can’t be done there is too much work to do still and not enough of time. Feeling bad for me after all of these years is just wasting time and draining me more and more every day. I’m not getting any younger and as much as it pains me to say, I’m going to be 30 in a few years.

I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of people to connect with in this process and share my story with. Again please don’t take this the wrong way or in a cocky matter in any way, that is defiantly not my intention. I know what it’s like to lose and feel like a loser, with no direction and no fight left in him. Again it was bad and ugly for a number of years; I was in a dark, dark place.

Negative

Now like I have said before I see light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m starting to feel the warmth of the sunlight shining in on me. I finally feel close to what I think it is that I’m meant to do. Could I be wrong, well of course, but if I am then so what? I readjust and keep going; besides all of this could just be another step taking me to what I’m meant to do. It would be worth it in the end, so I don’t care I have to keep going and fighting through the roadblocks ahead of me.

That’s why I don’t think I would go back in time anymore to change anything. I believe if I did that I would lose my fight and my hunger to keep going and pursuing the unknown and what I can’t see or what’s out in front of me now. If you want to go back, then that’s fine that’s your call. Who am I to say you’re wrong, and I’m correct? We have all been placed in different situations and scenarios so this option for me I think is the best.

Now Is The Time

I don’t know what’s in front of me and what’s waiting for me outside of that tunnel. What I do know is I know what I went through in the tunnel just to get where I am now to only start seeing the little light that I see now. I don’t want to go back; I’m scared to go back to the dark and living in the shadows I was in for so long. Yes, I’m going to the unknown, but look at what everything I have been through. Look at the change that I have made physically and mentally. What you need to do is the same thing, dig deep and focus on you. For the short time period and find you, and figure out what you want. You can’t be scared anymore. Close your eyes grind your teeth squeeze your hands, do whatever you need to do.

Just take that leap of faith and go, life is too short to waste any more time. The world is massive, it’s 2017. We have more than enough money in the world and opportunities to do what you believe in. Now is the time to do something about it, quit making excuses and focusing on what happened in the past. “Home is behind you, the world is ahead of you” – Gandalf