Your Worst Vs There Best

Ups and Downs

Have you ever had bad days, what about good days? Have you ever had days that you wished lasted a little longer or maybe have gone by a little faster? I’m sure this next part you have NEVER done in your life. Have you ever compared yourself to somebody else? What if I told you that’s unfair and your only seeing half of the story? Would you believe me if I told you that you might be comparing your worst vs there best?

We all have bad days and good days welcome to life, my friends. It’s easy to want to quit sometimes. Unfortunately, I have thought that more times than I would like to admit when I was working on my books over the years.

I Changed

I can’t do this I’m dyslexic. I’m stupid and not smart. I have the same IQ as a kid half my age. If you couldn’t tell that doesn’t help with one’s confidence very well. It makes you want to climb into a hole and never come out. But here’s the thing if you go deep enough into the hole what do you think you will miss? The answer is everything.

I look back and think to myself why I’m home alone writing this. I hear the rain in the background and I think back to when I was a kid. Storms scared me when I was younger. Now I think they are awesome and I love hearing them. What do you think changed? The storms are the same, I matured and got older and realized the storms aren’t as bad as I thought.

Make The Most Of It

Just like in life and your storms you can look at the same way. Storms and your life are what you make of them. If you let storms and life scare you and control you, guess what will happen? You will be scared of life, you will be scared to live and be controlled by something more powerful than you. I’m not saying go jump in a storm to feel alive and start living, that’s not it. The point is recognizing what you’re going through and how it can make you better.

I’m letting you know if you’re in a slump and it’s raining, then make the most of your situation. Try and look at the glass half full and collect that water and maybe put it to good use. Don’t just compare yourself to what the world is showing you. Or that certain person your seeing and stocking on social media. You’re only seeing what they want you to see and what they are willing to share with you.

You’re Calling

Comparing yourself at your worst vs there best when they are on the top of their game is just not fair. Yes, it’s easy to get caught up and look at that person? Look how successful they are, I wish I had what they had. Heres the thing people you can have what they have, all you have to do is work for it.

Just because that person might be at the top of their game, it doesn’t mean you can’t be there one day. Now when I say one day that could be a year from now or five years. It all depends on what you decide to put into that dream of yours and opportunity that was placed in front of you.

What Are You Going To Do

If you feel a calling and you feel it down in your gut then please don’t brush that off. When I started writing at 21 the moment I started to move my pencil I started to get that special feeling in my gut thinking something is different right now, I never felt this feeling before. I didn’t know what it was but I kept writing and kept going with it.

Now at 29 I look back and realize what that feeling was. I know it’s still early and I have a lot more work to put in and a lot more growing to do. But that feeling was purpose and passion. I have been searching and searching for my reason to be alive. I have been searching for years for my WHY and questioning God for most of my life up to that point and now looking back I think I found it.

Your Story

Who would have thought writing would be the first stepping stone into my purpose? Not me haha. From a young age I always dreamed and felt in my gut I was going to do something special, I just didn’t know what that was. Now I’m human is it easy to compare yourselves to others, of course, and I’m wrong for that sometimes. Especially when it’s your worst vs there best then your not going to win.

I want to tell you it’s ok and you don’t have to do that. We all have different stories and different backgrounds. We all have different gifts and strengths that we were blessed with. Are some of us going to make a bigger impact in the world, yes some will? Are some going to die at a young age, and not be given the same amount of time here on earth yes, they will? I know it sucks but that’s just how it is, unfortunately.

It’s Up To You

Now that you know that. What are you going to do with your life and your time? Are you going to keep comparing your worst vs there best like most of us do, myself included sometimes? Or are you going to recognize we are only seeing half of the picture and half of their story? There is more out there to their story. Here’s the thing, theirs more in your story as well, it’s waiting to be shared with the world. Now keep going and finish your book of life and go take that chance and chase your dream and make the most of your short stint here on earth why you can.

Walking In Fear

The Struggle

Have you ever been scared of something? Dumb question of course you have. Have you ever been so scared of something that you didn’t want to do that thing and regretted not trying? For me, I have been walking in fear for most of my life. But in my mid 20s, some things started to change for me.

Going back, I was so focused on graduating from high school and thinking it would get easier, I was wrong. I started working and trying to figure out what was next and who Peter was and is supposed to become. I was scared to take chances because it seemed like I failed and kept falling so much when I was younger. What if I succeeded and everything changes for me? That would be awesome but it would be different, it would be new. Who am I kidding, I can’t succeed. My messed up mind has a controlled me for so long.

I’m Very Stubbern

My walk along this journey has been a lonely walk. Here’s the thing, I was never really by myself that whole time when I felt alone. I’ve never been alone, it was my mind telling me that. I have had my parents, family, and friends with me the whole time. The only difference they were behind me why I was walking in fear. All I had to do was stop and wait for them to catch up, but I didn’t want to, my stubbornness kept pushing me. I felt like I had to take on this journey by myself.

In most cases, I have been my worst enemy and biggest opponent. I’m not proud of that, but I think that mindset helped me to overcome and realize it was my mind feeding me these lies my whole life. None of it is true. I wasn’t a mistake. I do have potential.

What’s Confidence

When I hear the word confidence, I know that word doesn’t belong next to my name. I don’t have much confidence in myself. That’s been a struggle my whole life. I’ve always struggled to believe in myself. Even with that struggle and lack of belief in myself, I never stopped working. Now, look at what I’m doing? I don’t say that to brag, I say that because it’s real and shows just how wrong I am.

Everything I have in my life I had to work for. I always thought God screwed me up, nope, he just made me a little different. If I wanted to ask a girl out. I would picture who I was and see what I saw through her eyes and didn’t like it. Now I’ve been married for over nine months to my beautiful wife.

Mind Games

I still have my struggles and I hope and pray I can concur these struggles one day. I’m lucky to have Lindsay in my life and I know I don’t say it enough. Some days I wonder why me, what did she see in me that first time we met at Starbucks? I always go to the negative and look at my fears, my faults or failures. In most cassese, I try and be a glass half full kind of guy. But when it comes to myself, it’s a half-empty point of view.

Seeing myself from her eyes, what did she see? A 28-year-old who didn’t go to college barely graduated high school. Went from job to job over the years searching for his why. One day when we have kids they will need help with homework or need help studying for a test. What if they need help spelling words. Hearing those words, dad can you help me with my homework? That scares the crap out of me and makes me want to run away. Because I already know what I’m going to say. Go ask your mom, she will do a better job.

My fears kick in again. In the back of my mind, I’m thinking Peter don’t you help your kids, what if you spell a word wrong because you suck at spelling and that affects their grade? I struggled enough in school, I don’t want them to take after me in that category.

The Real Me

That’s just a few different examples of walking in fear and how toxic it is. Are those happy examples, no, of course not? Do they put me in a good mood, no. I get pissed off thinking about it and that’s when my anger comes out and I need to let out my frustration?

We handle every situation differently. Even with me walking in these fears. I have never felt prouder and more motivated to keep doing what I’m doing. What I’m trying to do now with my books, speaking or just sharing what I’m doing. What you get from me and what I’m sharing with you is how real I am and not just my best moments.

Dont Settle

I never thought I would have the life I have right now. Well, news flash Peter, it’s here and I have never been happier. I don’t want to lose what I have been trying to build for years and now with Lindsay’s help. She believes in me more than I do. I can’t fail her and let her down. That’s more than enough motivation I need. That gives me the courage to not suck it up and tuck away my fears and struggles as I used to when I was younger. I’m recognizing what I’m struggling with and still struggle with. But here I am world and I’m not quitting and leaving. I’m still walking and will always be moving forward, even if I have to crawl.

Those people that I could hopefully help one day, are also helping me. Those are the people that are helping me to walk with peace through my fears. I still might be scared somedays, but I’m not giving up and neither can you. Embrace walking in fear, that might mean your getting close toward your purpose?

My Keystone

My Definition

The definition of Keystone is “a central stone at the summit of an arch, locking the whole together”. Maybe another keystone you thought of was Pennsylvania back in the day. Now I’m going to share with you what my keystone is.

If I had to pick one or two words that describe my keystones in my life, I would probably pick determination and passion. I think those would be the top choices for me. 15 plus years ago. I didn’t have much determination or passion in my life. I had a passion for sports, I’m very athletic and that was something I always looked forward to doing. But looking back now, I don’t think I tried as hard as I could have.

I Get It Now

I didn’t like school, I didn’t know what I wanted to do after graduation. The only thing I knew was I wasn’t going to college and I couldn’t wait to get out of graduation. I was so uncomfortable, I felt like a loser and I just wanted to get my diploma and keep walking right out the door.

I’m very lucky, I have had amazing people around me when I was in school. I was very lucky and I get it now, I didn’t back then. I had both parents and a great family. I never had a teacher that said you will never grow up to achieve anything special or great with your life. You will be a loser and you will fail and your dyslexia will always hold you back. Thankfully I never had that. But in my mind and the back of my head, I wish I would have.

I Wasn’t Ready

I didn’t want to go back to my school or a reunion because I felt like a loser and I was worthless. Maybe other people didn’t feel that way about me, but it doesn’t matter. In this case, it matters what I think. I didn’t feel good enough for the world and felt like a waste to society. If I wanted to be successful and I wanted to be. Then I need to work harder and change some things, so I did.

In my early 20’s I wanted money because I thought that’s what defined your worth and your success. Yes, it might play a small part, and be one of the sides on your plate, but that’s not the main dish. I created in the back of my head the kind of story that athletes or self-made successful people have. Some of them had the people around them say they wouldn’t do anything great, then what, they went on to do smooth great. I didn’t have that, but I used my mindset to create a life with those words spoken to me.

I Finally Found It

I was my own critic and biggest enemy against myself. I pushed myself to do something with my life. If I wanted to be successful then I have to change a lot, and it won’t be easy. If I want to be a published author then I have to work. If I want to be successful then I have to do the stuff I don’t like or am not very good at or enjoy. I had to grow and get out of my comfort zone. This bubble of mine I was in that was protecting me from the real world. I had to pop that sucker and take a chance and free myself.

That’s why my keystone is so important. My passion is what helped me take my writing more seriously and try and take it down a path I never expected in my life. Now I’m a published author and will be publishing my second book with my wife later this year.

Determination is the other part of my keystone in my life. My passion helped me to get a taste for writing and how free and alive I felt for the first time in a long time. When I was writing I was happy, I was creating something and using my God-given talent that I believe he gave me. When I was writing in my early 20’s that is the first time I think I had that feeling that this is what my calling is and what God wants me to do. My determination helped push me towards a career that I never thought would actually happen. It helped push me to do stuff I never thought I would be doing in my life.

Never Pictured This

A few weeks ago, I spoke at Lindsay’s old church that she grew up in. Now if you remember I had three main goals that I had in my life. The first was to get married I never thought that would happen. A few days ago, I just celebrated nine months. Now I just spoke at my wife’s old church, how crazy is that? The second was to become an author. 76 days after getting married in 2018 I published my first book. My top two goals in a matter of almost three months. My third goal is to become a dad, well hopefully one day if I’m lucky but not yet haha. That scares me more than my first two goals combined.

With that, I challenge you to find your keystone. It doesn’t have to just be one thing, I picked two. This is for you. The point of this is to challenge you and find what helps you every day to keep going and what’s important to you in life. My determination and passion are key ingredients in pushing me in life and pushing me out of my comfort zone. If I don’t have those two then I feel I don’t have purpose and meaning in life. I finally feel like I’m living now and I don’t feel like a zombie anymore. Those two words were the backbone for helping me improve and better my life. What’s your keystone?

A Graveyard

Times Change

When I saw a graveyard when I was younger, it freaked me out with all of the dead bodies. I’m sure that would have scared a lot of kids or made them uncomfortable.

When I was struggling and in my funk in my early 20’s I was confused, lost and searching. I didn’t know what I was searching for, I was just searching for something, anything better than my reality. I was fascinated with death and curious about it. At the time I felt like I wasn’t even living yet or really doing anything special with my life. I felt like a waste of air and felt useless to the world.

Motivated

A couple of months ago I started to get fascinated with graveyards and death again. But in a different way this time. Not like in the dark way that I once thought of in my early 20’s.

I started thinking about and seeing all of these different tombstones at a graveyard. Now I still don’t want to get old, and I’m not looking forward to it. But unfortunately, that’s one fight that all of us will lose every time and we won’t be able to outrun aging and death when it’s our time.

But what started to push me more and make me think more is graveyards. Think of any graveyard you ever saw in your life. Think of how many people die every day. I’m curious the percentage of those people that were happy by the time they died? Have you ever thought about that? What about the percentage of people that liked their life? Were they pleased with the effort they gave why they were on earth, still breathing until death found them?

Can I Be Successful

I know its kind of dark and weird I get it, haha, but stay with me. For most of my life failure and death scared me. I don’t want to get old I’m not ready to die yet. Now success scared me, I never felt like I did anything great or special with my life. Now I’m an author and chasing down my dreams every day. In the back of my mind, I always wondered what if I become successful and everything changes?

You can look at it two ways. First, I could do nothing and stay where I am and go with the flow. Work hard for my wife but just enough to have a safe life. I don’t push myself or don’t challenge myself because that will be hard. Or second, what if I push myself so freaking hard, that all of these years of being a dream chaser and hunting down my goals. Publish multiple books, reach over a million people have my fiction series turned into movies and so on. What if I worked so hard that my dream job became real and I was making enough that Lindsay could stay home with our future kids?

Now One

Between Lindsay and myself we have two different lives. She knew from a young age what she wanted to do in life. Me, I just was focusing on getting my diploma and being down with school. Lindsay makes good money, but it doesn’t come easy she works her tail off every day and for us. I know I’m lucky for how hard she works and I don’t say it enough, thanks, babe. Me on the other hand, I do ok I guess you could say. But my income could not take care of both of us, I will leave it at that.

What if in a few short years my books take off? My speaking starts to get bigger and my impact on the world by helping young adults and people grows? With that change, what if Lindsay doesn’t have to work as much or any more and can stay home. Who knows maybe work on this business with me and we could do it together. Honestly, that will scare the crap out of me because everything will be on me now. But I welcome that and that’s what I’ve been praying for.

Giving Back

This life is what I have been dreaming about since I was 21. Not the money side, writing, entertaining and helping others and making a difference. If I can make enough money doing what I love and have a great life then that is an added bonus and I’m even more blessed then I deserve if you ask me.

When it’s my time and God calls me home I want to leave multiple things behind. Not money, well maybe some money to help my wife and kids hopefully. That’s not what I want to be remembered for. I want to leave behind a work ethic and the fact that I didn’t settle and I was never content with being average. I chased my fears down and overcame them, I chased down the success I always wanted but was humble and didn’t let it change me.

Start Living

I don’t want to die with any regrets or great ideas buried inside of Peter when I take my last breath. I want to leave everything out on the court or the field, like when I played sports. Looking back, I think I could have tried harder in sports. But I can’t do anything about that now. What I can do though, is make up for the time I have now and that’s ahead of me, and so can you.

Now is the time to start living, not tomorrow or next week. That’s not guaranteed. What is only guaranteed right now is the moment you’re in. Now become a dream chaser like me and make the most of your life why you can. Don’t play it safe knowing the time you die, everyone wonders and is talking about the person you COULD HAVE BEEN. That should terrify you if it doesn’t then something is wrong. If you do it right they will be talking about the person you were and what you did with the time you had.

Halfway Point

Chapter 8

The last couple of posts I shared have been samples of chapters in my book. A few chapters I already blogged about over the years. Click on TWTMDE chapters category to check out a sneak peek into my other chapters. It will be below the halfway point post. 

The first half of my book is a lot of my struggles and low points in my life. How I struggled in school, the hatred I have for myself the anger and rage I developed over the years. If you read my book or are reading it I’m sure you will understand what I’m saying. If you haven’t read it yet, well then what are you doing? I’m just kidding, I’ll let it slide this time. If you have no idea what book I’m talking about, here’s the link my book.

Keep Moving Forward

Were halfway into my story, but now is when things start to look a little better. Going through life and figuring some stuff out is what I needed. I don’t want to say things are starting to make sense, but I’m slowly, slowly starting to feel a little better about myself and who I am and what I’m doing.  

I think my life we really started at 6 years old. That’s when I was “officially” diagnosed with my learning disability. That’s when I had to change schools because my current school couldn’t help me. When I first started to climb that steep mountain in front of me it was very intimidating. At a young age and I never thought I could reach the top.  

Every day I would be taking a step trying to move toward the top of that mountain. Now I don’t know what’s at the top of my mountain, but it doesn’t matter what’s up there. All I know is where I was at the bottom of my mountain, I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t feeling fulfilled like I had a purpose. Something had to change and I had to change. Now when I was younger and in school I had my parents and teachers to help me. I don’t have that anymore I graduated from school a couple of years ago. Now I still have my parents, but they couldn’t help me with this anymore. It was about time I grew up and started handling my businesses and problems on my own. 

Put In The Work

If I wanted to get smarter, I had to read and learn more. If I wanted a better life then I had to put in the time and effort and make it happen. That meant sacrificing some things in my life. I had to put in the work to become a better writer to help my future career. Guess what? I had to write, and keep writing until my books were complete.

A lot of time was wasted just walking through the world like a zombie every day. I loved my family and I’m very blessed and lucky. But I needed more than a great family which God blessed me with and I’m grateful for that every day. We only get one life and one opportunity to live and make the most with that life. I wasted far too much time before, now if I want to better myself then I have to change. That change starts with me and me alone. 

I want to publish books, I want to write for a living and express the creative mind that God gave me. I want to help and entertain people with my words. My main focus and goal with my writing are to help kids and young adults with my writing.

No Excuses

If Bart is dyslexic like me and hated school and had trouble studying and doing homework and was unhappy for a while. But Bart knew there was something different about him. He always wanted to help people and always believed he was meant for something greater and bigger than Bart. If Bart doesn’t work as hard as he can to fulfill those dreams and make his life and other peoples lives around him better. If you ask me then he didn’t do his job and failed. 

Just because you’re dyslexic, doesn’t mean you can’t read. It doesn’t matter what your fighting or going up against. We were all created to do something special. Now, will some be on a higher scale and level, yes of course but that doesn’t mean they are better than you. That’s the life God wanted for them and they made the most of the opportunities that were given to them. 

Write Your Story

Did you know you are an author? It’s true you are, you are the author to your own book you write every day, we all are. I’m an author to my life book, and also to the book I self-published. If you ask me when it’s my time to and I go home, if I didn’t help people or try and make a positive impact on people’s lives then I failed it’s that simple. Yes, I have these big earth goals. I want my fiction series to be turned into movies. But that’s not what I want to be remembered for. Why I’m here on earth I want to make big goals and have a big impact on people. 

We all should have big goals. I want to read 100 books and publish three books by the time I’m 30. Those are huge goals if you ask me. But here’s the thing I’m over 65 and I’ve written five books. I’m on pace and doing better than I ever thought I would be. I’m on pace to complete those goals and so can you.

Wherever you are in your life it doesn’t matter. You can do better, and you’re capable of doing better. All you have to do is decide, commit to it and work your freaking tail off to turn your life around. It’s time we all become dream chasers and not just dreamers.

Five Words

Chapter 6

If you could pick five words that are important to you, what would you pick? It doesn’t have to be the same letter. I didn’t try that when I wrote this chapter. Let me know what your words are, I’m curious what you picked.

Faith

For me, this has to go first. With me being a Christian I have to start with this first. Now do I have all of the answers absolutely not. Has it been easy trying to grow my faith over the years, of course not? Especially when I was younger and really going through my battles in my 20s and blaming God for alot of things.

Yes, it’s been a struggle but I feel in a way that has only helped me to grow my relationship a little more. Is there more growing I need to do and get better in, of course, there always will be.

Family

Next is the second most important thing to me. I have an amazing family I’m very lucky and blessed and not going to deny it. Now we are a family, do we have our moments, of course. Just because we’re family doesn’t mean we never fight or not have issues. I have three older sisters and I love them obviously and would do anything for them. With me being the younger and only brother, I always told myself it was my job to look after them. Now that they are married, I moved on from that now. They aren’t my problem anymore, they are my brother in laws problems now haha.

I’m very close with my parents also. Now in my earlier years when it came to school, I didn’t like them very much because I was getting upset and was mad. It wasn’t personal, I was more mad about the situation and what I was struggling with. They were trying to help me with my homework and studying and well you know how I feel about that. I think most of the fights we have had in my life, probably 90% had to do with school. Now I have my own family I started seven months ago with my beautiful wife and our pup.

Fitness

Now most of my life and through high school and early 20’s I have always been skinny and lanky. Now a big person doesn’t like to be called fat, is the same thing as a lanky kid like myself doesn’t like to be called skinny. That’s what I’ve always been. I got sick of it and I needed to change.

Around 20 I started working out more because that was around the time when my struggles really started. I was lacking confidence in myself and doubting myself a lot. Maybe if I can put some muscle on that might help me feel a little better.

When I graduated I was maybe 160 pounds soaking wet. Now I’m 186 and stronger than ever before. Now was that easy of course not. I put hundreds of hours in over the years to get where I am today. Was easy of course not, it’s not supposed to be. Was it worth it, absolutely? Pushing yourself and making tuff goals aren’t supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to stretch you and push you and make you work to reach them.

Future

Now how I came to picking future for my number four word. Faith is trusting God with my life and future. Family is going to be my support system and help me when I need it. Fitness is going to give me the strength and the discipline to start working towards my goals and help push me. Now the future comes in next. If those first three are good then my future looks better. If I don’t have Faith and say fitness for example, then I won’t be healthy and my future won’t look very promising.

That’s why in order to have a good future, you need to push yourself and take care of yourself now. Will it be easy of course not? Will it be worth it? Well, how you answer that question is the effort you put into it every day to get the life you always wanted and dreamed for.

Fun

If my faith is good, the family is happy, I’m healthy and pushing myself in fitness. My future is promising and looking good with how hard I’m working. Now is the time to have fun and enjoy life. After all, you only get one life, so enjoy it.

We all have a purpose and we all have meaning. Yes, it takes some of us a long time to find it, but that’s ok. God doesn’t make mistakes, his timing, when he wants something to happen, is perfect. Now, will we always understand it or like what he decides, no probably not. But that’s where faith comes in. We have to trust him.

Live Those Words

I know how lucky I am because not many people have a close family like me, that alone makes me feel very blessed and lucky. Fitness is what’s been helping me fight these battles over the years and helped keep me fighting and not giving up. Now my future looks better and better every day. Is my future promised, of course not? With how hard I’m working now to try and give my wife the life she deserves. That hunger and drive are pushing me like I have never been pushed before. That drive is helping me get out of my comfort zone every day to share my message and story with you.

Life is short, life should be fun. Let’s all enjoy it and be happy and make the most of our life. We only get one chance. Don’t live in the past learn from it. Work hard now and keep kicking butt. Your present is enjoyable and gives you purpose. From there, your future looks much more promising and better with how hard your working in the present with the effort you’re putting in now.

The Battle Begins

Chapter 4

Well, I graduated high school now what. I accomplished at the time my number one goal but now that I achieved it I was confused and puzzled. What’s next now what do I do? Where does my life and journey take me from here? I thought I had it all figured out, little did I know the battle begins and I’m only getting started.

Around 20-25 were some hard years for me. Especially 21-24 that was the worst. It felt like my life was slowly falling apart at 20 and only got worse from there.

I’m 22 now and most of my friends or people my age were graduating from college. That’s exciting for them and another big deal and achievement for them. Me, I had a part-time job, no college degree and living with my parents waiting for the next step. Asking God what am I supposed to do and what’s next. There was a problem, I was asking but I wasn’t listening. I was going through the motions but with no care in the world.

Still Waiting

I didn’t know what was next for me. I kept telling myself this was all part of my journey and my life that was created for me. I’ll wait for God to lead me in the direction he wanted me to go and he will give me a sign. Waiting, waiting and waiting some more and nothing was coming to me. I was getting confused, depressed and angry daily why I was waiting.

I was starting to head down a part in my path I never saw coming. Part of me wished I could have avoided it and gone a different way but that wasn’t possible. I didn’t know at the time but going through those hard and dark days just a short time ago was the best thing that ever happened to me. At the time I didn’t understand it I was just taking it day by day. Waiting for the night to come so I could go to sleep hoping the next day would be better.

Where Do I Go

I was lost, confused and searching for purpose and meaning. Searching for anything at the time. I was lost and filled with so much darkness that I started to change and not in a good way. Watching movies and tv shows became an easy way to escape reality for me.

I wanted a new life, a better life so I decided to create it. That’s when my first book started to come alive. As sad as it sounds, I know this now but I did have a great life. I’m very lucky and blessed and I see that now. Sometimes when you’re going through the struggles and the heartaches you miss stuff and it doesn’t hit you until later. What’s awesome about it and that gut punch that snaps you out of your funk and wakes you up is how you feel after.

What Can I Do

I was so confused and so lost that one thought crossed my mind and it was the only thought that actually made sense. I didn’t want to escape this pain and struggle I was going through, I needed to escape this pain I was going through.

All I thought hundreds of times a day, every day for a good chunk of my life. I thought what can my stupid dyslexic self even accomplish in this world? I have no college degree, I won’t find a successful career, I won’t be able to make a good living and be happy because of the struggles and hardships I have. There’s really only one way to fix this problem. I contemplated suicide and killing myself for almost four years of my life. Thinking that would make me feel better and help me escape the pain.

Surprise

I was so lost and confused I didn’t know what to do. Working on my first book trying to create a new and improved Peter and create a better life I thought that would make me happier. Nope, it didn’t I was still searching and confused. I thought killing myself would make me feel free and escape the pain. Well, yes it actually would help me but hurt my family and crush them and it would be worse for them. So that doesn’t really help me, now I’m back to square one.

I was going back and forth with what I should do where I’m going in my life and why I’m here? Those thoughts clouded my judgment for most of my 20’s and unfortunately, with that mindset, I hid who I really am and how I really am.

I’m Grateful

I was scared of what everyone thought of me and realized how much of a loser I am. Thinking I didn’t need anyone else, I was already judging myself and ripping me apart daily. That’s when I became my worst enemy and my biggest threat to myself. The hatred toward myself grew over the years. From a young age, I always wished I could be somebody else in my class. I wanted to be the smart one, the funny one, anybody else but me. I didn’t need other people telling me what they thought.

Now I’m 29 and I’ll be honest I’m a very lucky man. Looking back at what I have been through and where I came from. I’m just glad to be alive. I’m grateful for all of those battles that I went through when I was younger. They helped build who Peter is now and who Peter was meant to become.

I’m grateful for the anger and hatred that I developed from a young age. That’s what helped form me and drove me to want to change. Is it healthy, no, probably not, I’m still working on that today. Here’s the thing, you should always be working on bettering yourself every day before its too late.

Early Life

Chapter 2

Early life is about, well you guessed it my early life. What can I say looking back at where I was and where I am now? From where I was when my journey really started at six years old than 18 when I graduated high school to now at 29. Looking back, it looks like three different stories or chapters in my book. Actually, it is three different stories and chapters in my book of life.

When I was younger I always envisioned I was going to do something special and unique with my life, I just never knew what that was. I always had an imagination and loved dreaming and looking into the future but what I saw when I was dreaming and trying to picture what might happen to me. Where I am now, I never saw coming and never pictured it.

Swimming Up Stream

Growing up I was always my worst enemy and biggest bully. From a young age, I was already swimming upstream and swimming against the current which made my situation that much harder. Now with my LD and dyslexia that added an extra 50-pound weight vest to me.

Swimming upstream is hard enough. Swimming upstream with an extra 50 pounds is even harder. Now I had all of this going against me and I was struggling. I started getting older and moving up to 4th, 5th, 6th and so on. But my actual grade level was always a couple of grade levels behind. I was slow with reading, I couldn’t spell, I struggled to listen, I took speech class I had trouble with my R and S words. To this day I still have some trouble with this.

The Big Day

I wasn’t a smart kid, I didn’t try that hard, honestly, I didn’t really care. I probably would have flunked out if I didn’t get help from my parents and teachers all those years.

All my life I was focused on one thing and one thing only. Graduating and getting that stupid piece of paper saying I made it in life. Once I got that piece of paper then I was ready for the real work and excited for what’s next.

Peter Alexander Harrower, I walked up and ready to receive my diploma as I was standing up there in front of everyone a few things crossed my mind. First, CRAP, theirs a lot of people out there. Second, just give me my piece of paper so I can leave. Third, when they dismiss us I wanted to leave right away, I felt so uncomfortable. I was trying to be excited like everyone else but I was faking it. They were excited about graduating and being done with school and ready for the next thing. Me on the other hand, there was no next thing for me. I was just excited to leave graduation.

Who Am I

At that moment I felt like a loser and a bum. I didn’t know what was next for me or if there was even anything for me. How am I going to get a good job and have a life with my grades and no college degree? How can I take care of my family one day? I started thinking about my future family and how I could provide for them. Then I quickly realized what am I doing? I’m not going to have a future family, who would ever want to marry me?

I started thinking about everything that was wrong with me. There was no pro and cons list, it was straight, con and cons list. I was already down and lost and confused, now I was kicking myself, even more, when I was done and treating myself like crap. I was lost and confused and searching for something, anything at that time.

New Me

I’ll be honest I’m still searching and still determined and working as hard as I can every day. Getting up at 5:15 am so I can get more reading and writing in and trying to get better. Now I finally feel like I’m living. I’m married and have been for over seven months now. I’m a published author and I did it myself. It took over four years but I did it. My top two goals that I always thought would just be a dream came true. I’m now a married author and checked off my top two goals in my life. Next, all I need is a kid and those will be my top three goals. SLOW DOWN, that kid thing won’t be for a while.

In the end, I just want to let you know. It doesn’t matter where you were in your life or where you came from. If you’re determined enough and willing to put in the work and give it your very best then you can have a great life. That great life is different for all of us. A successful career, money, happiness, freedom it might be different for all of us. The most important thing you have to remember is if its important to you then you have to work for it. You might have to give up some things and sacrifice some things along the way but it will be totally worth it if you have a clear-cut goal.

Keep Growing

Once you stop learning you start dying – Albert Einstein

Now I challenge you to stop using your past as an excuse. Embrace it like I have and make the most of it. My past made me who I am today. My past gave me the determination to work harder and make up for the time I lost. Now I want to make the most of the time I have now, because who knows when my timecard will get punched and it’s my time.

If you liked this post, check out my book. You will find out a lot more about me and my crazy story. If you did read it and liked it. I would love if you could share it with a friend that might need to hear it. Leave a review on Amazon, I would love to hear what you thought, thanks.

The World Through My Dyslexic Eyes 

New Opportunities

What Would You Do

If a new opportunity was placed in front of you or somebody offered a special opportunity for you what would you do? Before you jump to any conclusions. You need to know this first then you can answer. You might get tested and placed in an atmosphere that will take you way out of your comfort zone and making you do something you never thought was possible. Would you do it?

What if you would have to be very vulnerable and open up about your personal life? What if it would do better in the world and you might be able to help people? Now, if you stayed quiet and kept all of that information in front of you that you learned and experienced and didn’t share it you might have lost the opportunity to help people and make a positive impact on people’s lives. That would be very sad and unfortunate if you ask me.

New Me

If you would have asked my old self I would have said, no thanks I’m good with where I am I don’t need that thanks. Now if you ask me now and the future me I believe I was meant for this. How I would respond to that question is like this. I’m nervous, this is definitely out of my comfort zone but I feel it in my gut and my heart that I was meant to do this. Me being this vulnerable and sharing what I’m sharing now or in the future, whenever the opportunity comes. I feel if I’m not willing to accept new opportunities and embrace what comes my way then I have failed and missed out in the world.

That’s why I’m excited about what the future holds and what I believe I’m meant to do. Am I swimming in a pool of money like duck tales, no not even close? Have I reached a million people with my book or my blog, not even close?

No, my book has not made the best sellers list, and at the moment it’s not even in the same zip code. I have sold 81 books in the last four months I haven’t even hit 100 yet. But more importantly, I’m grateful and blessed that I had the opportunity to even sell that many. That’s not including the books I have sent to libraries or given people trying to connect with them and reach out to them. You know what I’m ok with that because that’s all part of the journey.

I’m Not Average

This journey and path that you and I are on every day. It doesn’t matter how similar or different it is. We all are on our unique path and are all meant for something unique and great in our own way. When I was younger I never thought great or even good was in my vocabulary. I never thought I could be good, I was average or below average my whole life. That was normal life for me and that’s all I knew.

I have learned different things from my parents over the years. I’m grateful for everything they have done for me and helping me over the years. Now they have helped me a lot over the years and more than I probably have realized or thanked them for. But in all honesty, they might have helped me a lot and they definitely did. But what I wanted to pursue and do in my life and what has been forming in my gut. I’m the one that wanted to write books. I’m the one that has sent over 250 emails to agents trying to represent me. I felt this burning desire to create something from scratch and wanted to put my crazy story out into the world.

Enjoy The Ride

I know how hard I worked to get where I am today. I know I have way more to learn. Now that I’m married and self-published my book. Those were my top goals in my life that I created in my early 20s. Achieving those two goals have given me more drive and more purpose than I ever thought I might have.

The last few months I have been getting up around 5:15 Monday-Friday so I can read for 30 to 40 minutes and write for the remaining time until Lindsay wakes up. People I like to sleep, getting up early sucks, I won’t lie about it. But what sucks, even more, is the feeling I didn’t give my very best and I could have done better or tried harder.

No Regrets

When I get older and turn 40 or 50 whatever the age. I don’t want to look back and think, crap, I wish I would have made more out of the opportunities that were placed in front of me. I wish I would have told one more person about my book, contacted one more school about my book. If only I could have tried a little harder.

NO, I want to pause, look back and think to myself. I worked my freaking tail off and look at what I did. Look at how hard I worked and looked at what was placed in front of me no matter how good or how bad and look how I reacted to that opportunity or lesson that was placed in front of me. That’s the mindset you need. That’s how you need to look at your life and what’s been placed at your feet. That’s the kind of life you should want.

Embrace what’s happening and run throw that wall or struggle that’s in front of you. You don’t want that wall of struggles or conflicts to fall on you and hold you down. It starts with a new opportunity being placed in front of you. Then it’s your mindset that will take you to the next stage. Follow your heart, and follow your gut and make the most of your life why you still can.

Creating Something From Scratch

Scariest Thing 

Have you ever felt the desire to create something? Have you ever felt that burning sensation in your belly, not after you eat something bad or you feel sick? I’m talking about that feeling and sensation that you know deep down inside of you that you want to take this new job, start this new business or take this different path on your journey? Creating something from scratch and starting something brand new can be one of two things. The scariest thing or the most rewarding thing you do. 

Yes, I was terrified and freaked about writing and if it would actually work. I’m not the smartest guy around, I suck at spelling grammar and well everything that has to do with school. I don’t like reading in front of people. I’m very self-conscious about myself. How could I write five books in the last eight years, let alone one? How can I publish a book, who would ever want to read my crazy story?  

Most Rewarding

I’m not an expert I’m still trying to figure all of this out as I live and start a new day every morning. With that mindset of the unknown and scared, I didn’t know what to do. That my friends is exactly why I wrote those books and decided to leave my safe place and my comfort zone. I was tired of not living, holding myself back and being my biggest enemy and toughest opponent. 

Now with this being the scariest thing I have ever done. It quickly transitioned to the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. I’ll be honest if you don’t have a type of learning disability you will you never be able to wrap your head around the struggles and issues going through school every day. The embarrassment, the lack of confidence in yourself and all of the other side effects that follow. Now you might have something you struggle with that I know nothing about it, I get that. I’m not going to sit here and say I have it harder than you and my life is harder because most likely it’s not. 

Become A Inventor 

With the side effects, I struggled with daily. Even through those tuff times, I never stopped believing I was meant to create something. Yes, sometimes I had to lie to myself or trick myself into writing and trying to be positive to get my work done when I didn’t want to. But hey, you got to do what you got to do.

In my whole life, I never felt more hunger, passion, and determination until I decided to start writing and wanted to publish a book. I had no idea how to do it, I’m still trying to figure it out and my book has been out for almost five months already. That’s what a lot of people mess up and don’t understand. Just because you don’t know everything or every little detail doesn’t mean you shouldn’t start or you shouldn’t confront that burning desire you have to create or do what you want to do.

My Purpose

That is the exact reason why you need and should want to do what’s burning and filling up inside of you. That burning desire, that’s passion and purpose that’s forming inside of you. Creating my books and writing and putting everything together is by far one of the greatest achievements I have ever had the opportunity to be a part of. 

Now getting married and publishing my book were my top two things in my life I wanted. I never thought I would be good enough to have a Mrs. Harrower by my side. When I was younger as a dyslexic kid, I would have rathered stare at wet paint and watch it dry then open a book or write. I never thought I would be where I am today.

I Feel Alive Again 

Getting married is hands down the best decision and the biggest surprise that ever could have happened for me. I still struggle with this every now and then thinking I’m married and how lucky and blessed I am. But publishing my book and writing my four other books is by far the biggest and best achievement that I also never thought I could accomplish or thought was possible. Lindsay knows how I feel about this and she knows she means the world to me and I would do anything I could for her.

This burning desire that’s been burning inside of me over the last eight years is way bigger than I ever could have imagined. The years, the days and the number of hours I have spent working on my books and trying to bring these books to life have given me more hope and purpose than I ever could have imagined.

Now Is The Time 

That’s why I challenge you to create something from scratch. Don’t be afraid of that burning desire and that hunger and passion that’s forming inside of you. Embrace that passion, hold on to it as tight as you can and never let go. Never let go of your dreams. Do everything you can to become that dream chaser you always envisioned yourself you could be. 

Those dreamers aren’t going anywhere in life, but you are and you can. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do that, or your idea won’t work and it won’t be successful. Maybe it won’t work, maybe it will take longer then you thought. Yes, that will be frustrating and it will suck I get it and have been there. But after working on that dream project and trying to bring your desire out to the world, maybe those failures will take you a different direction you weren’t anticipating. That’s a good thing because if you didn’t take that chance to bring those desires out to the world. If you didn’t take that chance, then who knows where you would be today and what you would be doing?