This is my version of an outcast, and how I see it. When you hear outcast what do you think? A person who is different or by themselves and alone maybe? That’s what I think when I hear outcast, and that’s what I am. The biggest bully and the main person that treated me like an outcast the most was the person that knew me best, me. I was my worst enemy and worst critic over the years, it was all me and nobody else. I did this to myself and caused and inflicted probably 95% of the pain myself.
If you read my last post about school and dyslexia, well now you have a better idea of who I am and why I’m like this. Again, everything I talk about and everything I will ever talk about goes back to age six when my life would have changed forever. Now that I figured out what my issues were with school and we finally put a label on it. It’s all smooth sailing from here of course, right, WRONG? It only went downhill from that day forward. As the days and years passed me by, I started to adapt to life and changed my ways, and it was not good.
Mindset Is Key
This mindset I brought on to myself, the pain and side effects were all self-inflicted. How could I do this to myself, why did I do this to myself? It’s because I was confused and lost, I didn’t know what to do and how to respond to what I was going through. At age six and so on, I chose my fate before I even knew it. I chose this life for myself, I expected the fact that I am a little different and learn differently than everyone else.
Who cares were all different anyway, that shouldn’t matter. Some people might be better than me in school. I feel I was blessed with athleticism, so maybe I’m better than them in that area. I was always jealous of how easy everything was for them. Not knowing what they might be struggling with, I might be better at them this time. I never thought about it like that until I got older.
With having this mindset, I always felt alone and kept to myself. I didn’t like talking about my issues or how I was really felling. I always kept to myself, I would talk to myself all the time over the years or would journal about how I was feeling. It was always easier keeping how I felt or who the real Peter is to myself. I was always embarrassed and ashamed enough of who I was, why would I want to open myself up more for who knows what criticism or whatever might come my way next?
Did I jump to conclusions and judge people for what they thought, absolutely? Was I wrong for that, absolutely I was I’ll admit that? Admitting that now I have said it before if only I was more open from the begging. Maybe a lot of my issues and inner battles could have been avoided. Then again if they were avoided, who knows where I would be today? If that’s the case, maybe I wouldn’t have had this fire and gone through the experiences to help me build my fire and help me get refocused like I am today.
Like I said before, I would not change a thing because it helped turn me into the person I am today. Do I wish some situations and issues I was in might have gone a different way, of course, I would. Thinking to myself making fun of me, calling myself names and everything else I did.
Maybe that’s part of the reason why I’m scared of commitment and why I never had much luck in dating haha. I just never felt like I was good enough to be with someone. On the flip side thinking who would want to date me? Most of the time, I was looking at what I saw and did every day I judged myself already for them. I knew what I was like and I knew who the real me was. I guess that’s the introvert inside of me. I’ve been so used to being alone and being by myself, it just became normal for me over the years.
At times, it might not seem like I’m an introvert, but it’s true I am. In the end, even to this day I still struggle some days with being dyslexic even though I think it was a blessing like I have said before and I truly believe that. It helped me view the world and see it differently than most. I have always been different than most I have come to grips and excepted that now.
I’m still human and still filled with emotion, I hate not being able to spell and read fast and anything else that goes along the lines of school. Heres an example for you. Say I become the most successful writer in history, I finally get married and have four kids. Having a family and a wife and finally becoming a dad is and will always be my number one goal. If all of that happens, I will still be embarrassed and be battling who I really am. Unfortunately, its always going to be an inner battle I will be battling every day of my life.
Don’t be afraid of who you really are. Don’t be afraid of taking a chance and getting out of your comfort zone. Yes, I’m different, you are different, were all different. If we were all the same, life would be boring and the same thing every day. That will get old after a while, so if you don’t like who you are then do something about it. Don’t think about it anymore, just do it and keep going.
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