With all of my posts, I’m trying my best to try and avoid repeating myself all the time. Then again, my unique story and reasoning for why I’m doing this. I kind of have to repeat myself a little each time. Just so you fully understand everything I’m talking about and fully grasp what I’m trying to share. This was my last few years as a zombie?
It’s been a few years, I really don’t remember when It started maybe 20 or 21 something like that. My life was starting to turn into the snowball effect. I was slowly rolling down a hill. I had no idea how to slow down. Whatever was in front of me was all I saw at the time. I couldn’t slow down or stop I was just going and going, and getting bigger and bigger.
So It Begins
If you’re wondering, I was the snowball. Life was all around me, and for a few years I was just rolling right through it and not stopping for anything around me. I was just going and going, I had no idea where I was going or what I was thinking. I was starting to get depressed and angry because I didn’t know what I wanted to do. That’s the time when my mask really started to come out on a regular basis.
There was no direction for me, I didn’t know what was next or where to go. For the longest time, I didn’t think there was going to be anything for me down the road. That’s when I started to question why I’m even here? For days at a time or even longer, for weeks maybe. On the outside, I was the person people needed to see or maybe wanted to see. What you didn’t see, and what I saw on the inside, I felt dead. There wasn’t anything going on, there wasn’t anything positive or exciting going on. Hence the reason why I have been mentioning my dark tunnel all this time.
I believe everything happens for a reason, and I was meant to go through these issues and battles of mine. As the years in school were going by, I was getting closer and closer to this tunnel I had to go throw. Looking around there was no other option. I had to go through this dark tunnel in front of me, I couldn’t go over or around it. Turning around wasn’t an option, I had to go through it.
Once I took the first step into the darkness, was the day I graduated from high school. That’s when my snowball effect started to come alive and was born. The deeper into it I was walking the darker and quieter it got, just like the inside of me.
I’m Very Stubborn
I know how dramatic this sounds, I get it trust me I know. After all, this is my life this is what goes through my head day in and day out. These negative thoughts that are constantly rolling around in my head. That’s why I felt so dead inside, I was confused I was lost and alone. It was just me in that tunnel and nobody else.
Here’s the kicker, I know I could have asked for help. All I had to do was open my big mouth and ask. I have thought about asking hundreds of times, trust me. Every time my mouth opened to ask, I just couldn’t come up with the words to say anything. It was like I lost my train of thought and just went blank. I was very stubborn, it was my conscious trying to prevent myself from asking for help. I had so much help in my past. I’m still embarrassed and ashamed of my past somedays, and who I used to be. At the same time, my past motivates me every day.
I Finally Saw Light
As the years went on and going through this tunnel. When I was at my worst and literally at rock bottom, I gave up I was done. Then next thing I knew I turned 25 and all of the sudden I could start to see light. It was very small and it looked like it was miles and miles away. But I saw something, do you know what that was? What I saw was HOPE, I saw my future and whatever I wanted.
It finally hit me, I’m always going to have my personal problems with my LD and being dyslexic. I can’t change that and I’ll never be able to. But what I saw miles down in front of me in my tunnel of life. Was hope for a new me, and a new future and a positive life. I can keep crying and staying depressed and blaming God and the world for why I have these issues. Or I can man up and do something about it, and embrace the challenges that were put in front of me for a reason?
At 27 and turning 28 in a few months. The last three years, I never felt more focused to try and build something and start living for something more in my life. What I’m living for now is not just for me anymore. Its other people that are like me, and need and are searching for the light like I was. I’m not saying my story is the answer, and I’m the answer to your problems. Don’t twist my words please, I’m not perfect I still have a long way to go. I’m hoping my life and my problems maybe will show you a different perspective towards life.
Maybe your life isn’t as bad as you thought. Just like what I see, I know people have it worse than me. That’s another reason why I finally shut up and stopped complaining, and started living. That’s what we need to start doing. It’s time to start living and start making something of yourself.