Looking in a mirror what do you see? From ages 6-25 if I was looking in a mirror or somebody would ask me this question. I would see a kid growing up confused and lost, angry towards himself and filled with hatred. He doesn’t like the person that he is or anything about him. I had a lot of good days and great memories in that time. Unfortunately, sometimes as much as we fight it and prevent it from happening. The bad always outweighs the good, and sometimes there’s nothing we can do about it. So, looking in a mirror vs reality, what do you see?
When I looked in a mirror when I was younger, it felt like I was looking at one of those crazy mirrors that change your shape. The ones that make you tall or fat, and just completely change your appearance. I was embarrassed at what I saw and how I thought the world viewed me. It scared me if people knew the real me. If they really knew who Peter was, and all the baggage I had. My disability and the lack of confidence and skills I had. I didn’t belong and I was a loser, and I felt different.
What Do You See
Now if you look at a normal mirror what do you see, whatever is in front of it, correct? So whatever vibe and attitude I shared with the world every day that’s how they saw and looked at me. I could be a whole new person, and have a side to me they never knew I had. Well, that’s what I did, that’s who I am. I figured out how to hide my shame and embarrassment from others. Hence the reason why I wore a mask and had another side to me. I wanted to create a side that people would like and they could have fun with and get along with every day. I thought in the end, it would make me feel better and happier.
Instead of embracing who I really was from an early age, I tried hiding it like it was secret. This wasn’t an ordinary secret to keep, this was my life, this was the real Peter and who I really am every day. I can’t keep this secret anymore and keep hiding anymore. I’m going to freak out one of these days. I tried finding ways to distract me from who I really am, but there was only so much I could do.
After growing up and after a few years into my 20’s trying to figure out who I am. I realized I don’t need to figure out who I am, I already know who I am. I started out as a dyslexic kid that grew into a lot of personal problems and issues along the way. Why should I keep hiding that and being ashamed? Maybe it’s not so much me being ashamed. Maybe it’s the fact that what we think others will think and how we will be treated? I was already pre-judging myself and what I thought of myself. I assumed that’s what the world would think.
That’s how I lived for most of my life, of course, that’s not healthy and a bad habit to have. After all this time I realized why not embrace who I am, and make something with it? Why not cash in and make some money off my story, I’m just kidding haha. I could care less about money at this point. I just want to be happy and figure out who I am, and what my purpose is. That’s when I decided to start writing my memoir, and share it with the world. Here we are three years later and I’m almost done with it.
A Blank Canvas
My blank canvas of who I really am is almost finished and ready to present it to the world. Do I have a lot of more work to do, well, of course, that’s life? It’s a lifetime process and we are constantly working to try and better ourselves and should be doing that every day. Enough is enough, its time to embrace who I am and stop hiding.
I broke that mirror and started to work on how I viewed myself, and what I thought of myself. I’m still not normal, yes, I’m different and this weakness and disability will be with me until the day I take my last breath. There’s only so much I can do about that part of my life. Everything else that I do, I have a part in playing and trying to better myself. That’s why I changed my ways and started to change my lifestyle.
I started working on my weaknesses to try and become stronger in the areas I wasn’t good at. To this day it’s still weird sometimes talking about my life and who I really am. Honestly, I still don’t love it, but I’m looking at the end picture. There are millions of what started out as kids, and now adults like me. My story isn’t as bad as most and I get that. We all have our own issues we’re working on and trying to get better in. I get that now, somedays we won’t always like what we see in the mirror.
That’s life it’s a process and a battle we go through every day. Instead of hiding and sharing what we think the world wants to hear. Why not embrace who we are? We all have a unique story. Were all different, crazy and sometimes weird in our own way. Why not do something with that and try and better yourself, and better others along the way? It’s about time we all stop looking in the mirror and thinking and assuming the worse. What we should be looking at in the mirror, is our potential.