I can’t say when this thought first popped up in my mind, but I would say from an early age. I always wondered what it would be like to be blind or deaf. If I had to pick one I would think being blind would be the hardest one. But I guess realistically the hardest one would be the one you have it doesn’t matter which one. But here’s the kicker, for most of my life, looking back I was blind and didn’t even know it. Not the normal blind you think, I was blind from the world and not taking advantage of it. I was blind and let the world past by me more then I would like.
I can’t say this enough. When I vent and talk to you about my struggles my negative mindset or the dark parts of my life. Everything I share with you is what was going on between my ears. All of those bad thoughts and my poor attitude was inside of my head. Growing up I had an amazing family and had both parents. How many people can say they had both, unfortunately, not many. I can’t stress how lucky and blessed I am for our relationship.
Ever since I was a kid in the back of my mind I tried making my life, my story, worse off than it actually was. It’s unusual and sad, I know. I thought if I had people telling me I won’t be successful then that would motivate and push me more in life to make something of myself. Thinking to myself that I could turn a negative and bad situation into a better one and use all of the negativity around me to push me to be better. But instead, I didn’t have that. I had great people around me and supporting me. Things had to change and I had to be the bad person and that negative person to push me and make myself believe I wouldn’t be successful and help push me out of my comfort zone myself.
I was so focused on figuring out what God wanted me to do. Thinking to myself what’s my purpose in life and what does he have planned for me. Now having that mindset is not a bad thing and I won’t apologize about thinking that way and having that attitude towards life. But I will say one thing with having that tunnel vision and searching for my ultimate purpose. It did prevent me from enjoying the moment and enjoying the ride alot more.
Wouldn’t Change A Thing
I didn’t enjoy the moment as much as I should have or could have. But overall it was a bumpy ride and I wasn’t happy. I hated who I was and the person I was. I was a loser trying to search for my ultimate purpose and start fulfilling Gods plan for me.
How I saw my world and my version of it was a dark tunnel. I was at one point and at the other end was God’s plan and purpose for me. So why wouldn’t I want to go find it? I did want to find it, but the only thing is I wanted it now and my way and wanted to start living it right away and start enjoying myself more. Little did I know in my early 20s was the hardest couple of years of my life and it was all a part of the journey I was supposed to be on.
Part Of The Journey
I was so focused on finding the light at the end. Looking for that big red exit sign for my purpose and calling, I missed one important thing, I missed life, I missed living and enjoying the ride. I only figured it out a few years ago but everything I went through was all part of my journey that I was supposed to go on. For years I thought I screwed up and missed something or messed something up. Everything I went through I now know was all part of my journey.
Now looking back could I have made some better decisions, well, of course, we all could play that game. The what-if game, but what good really comes out of doing that? Is it natural to play that game and wonder, of course, it is? Is it wrong to play that game, sometimes and I think it has the potential to end up hurting us more than doing good?
Turn The Light On
I was blind for so long and was caught up in my little world. In my head, I never thought I could find a way out. Thinking that tunnel I was in was going to go on and on for the rest of my life. I never thought I was going to get out. I didn’t know which way was the correct way I kept getting turned around and it felt like I was backtracking.
But that’s life sometimes we don’t know which way is the right way, which decision or opportunity is going to be best. Sometimes you have to go with your gut and think which feels right. Now I can happily say I can see now and its amazing what I see but it’s also a little sad.
Part of me wanted to be mad with my poor attitude towards life. Thinking at everything I missed or didn’t do. But the other side of me is thinking, there is so much darkness in the world and its sad. What’s also sad is there is also so much good in the world. But for some reason, the bad is more interesting to people and sticks with us more sometimes. I think it’s about time we start turning some lights on in the world and make that darkness disappear for good. That last line is a line from The World Through Bella’s Eyes, coming out soon.