I have two questions for you, first, if you could go back in time, would you? Second, if you decide to go back in time what would you do differently? What would you say to your younger self, in the past? Let’s pick this apart a little bit real quick, I mean I guess it’s all about me. Let’s use me as an example haha. If you have read my earlier posts, then you remember my background and struggles. This is a question I asked myself a lot the last few years. Lately, I have been going back and forth on which side I would choose, it’s 50-50.
The reasons why I’m 50-50 are because let’s just said I redo high school again. Going back to the first day of 9th grade, if I could go back that’s where I would start. I would tell myself, Peter, God made you who you are for a reason. For the longest time, I thought he screwed up on me and he made a mistake creating me. It was all a mental game, I was just trying to hurt myself and also try and pity myself at the same time, again 50-50. My life was already planned out years in advance. If I were to go back and start all over. I would have tried harder in high school of course and I would have had a better experience.
If I went back and tried a little harder maybe I would be more proud of myself? If that’s the case then who knows where I would be now at 27? I can’t imagine what I would be doing or where I would be If I changed a few things? Maybe I would have had a 3.0 GPA and then went to college. Even with being dyslexic, I didn’t use that as an excuse I powered through anyway and tried my hardest. If only I tried harder in sports and not just rely on my God-given abilities. If only I put in the extra effort in the weight room and in the offseason. Who knows maybe I could have been a 1,000 point scorer for my school or could have played a sport in college.
That’s what I think I would say to myself, or another option of how my life could have turned out. If that is what happened and how it worked out, and the effort I put into school and sports. Then again who knows where I would be, or what I would be doing. Regardless it’s a gamble which direction I would be heading in. As much as I would like to go back and change what I did, and maybe put a little more effort into school. It’s easy to say that and go a different direction when I know the road I have been on the last few years and how hard it has been.
Trying not to make it sound as cliché as it sounds, if only I knew then what I knew now. I just wished I would have had more confidence to go after whatever was in front of me and not be hesitant or scared. I’m still hesitant and scared sometimes, again afraid of either getting rejected or looking stupid saying the wrong thing. Realistically, I have been saying or doing the wrong thing my whole life when it came to school and life. I have been dealing with a lack of confidence since I was six years old, so again I know what it’s like so what does it really matter anymore? You think I would have learned and thought I know what it feels like, it can’t get much worse, can it?
If it was a life and death situation, someone said I have to choose right now. I wouldn’t change a thing when it’s all said and done. As much as it pains me knowing I could have done better in school and sports I could have tried harder, and pushed myself a little harder. Sure it’s easy to play the, what if game, and if only this happened or I did that. In the end, playing that game is stupid, because the situation is over and it’s in the past now.
There is nothing we can do about it, we just need to accept it and move on. That’s what I’m trying to do, look at everything I have shared with the world so far. A few years ago, I wouldn’t be sharing any emotions I had or struggles I had. I kept trying to be strong not just for myself but for my family. Trying to be brave with the situation I was in and to show them that I can do it.
In all reality, and on multiple occasions I was close to ending it myself and taking matters into my own hand. Yes, you read that correct, I contemplated suicide hundreds of times. Taking the coward’s way out of life and excepting the fact that it beat me and I was ok with it. I didn’t care anymore I was done, waving the white flag I give up.
That’s why in the end, I know I wasn’t a mistake you and I were all placed here for a reason. God didn’t mess me up or screw anything up; it was a mental battle I was in every day for years. I just finally accepted it after all this time, yes I’m different; I’m slow when it comes to learning and I look at situations differently. Being slow, not being able to spell and read fast, and thinking outside of the box has brought me to this point in my life.
I now have my own website, I’m blogging and putting my faults out to the public. Trying to give back and help others that are like me. I have now written three books totaling close to 250,000 words between the three. Working on new ideas for books, or projects I want to do.
I have the third book in my trilogy and have thought of two other book ideas. I’m not done, I can’t be done there is too much work to do still and not enough of time. Feeling bad for me after all of these years is just wasting time and draining me more and more every day. I’m not getting any younger and as much as it pains me to say, I’m going to be 30 in a few years.
I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of people to connect with in this process and share my story with. Again please don’t take this the wrong way or in a cocky matter in any way, that is defiantly not my intention. I know what it’s like to lose and feel like a loser, with no direction and no fight left in him. Again it was bad and ugly for a number of years; I was in a dark, dark place.
Now like I have said before I see light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m starting to feel the warmth of the sunlight shining in on me. I finally feel close to what I think it is that I’m meant to do. Could I be wrong, well of course, but if I am then so what? I readjust and keep going; besides all of this could just be another step taking me to what I’m meant to do. It would be worth it in the end, so I don’t care I have to keep going and fighting through the roadblocks ahead of me.
That’s why I don’t think I would go back in time anymore to change anything. I believe if I did that I would lose my fight and my hunger to keep going and pursuing the unknown and what I can’t see or what’s out in front of me now. If you want to go back, then that’s fine that’s your call. Who am I to say you’re wrong, and I’m correct? We have all been placed in different situations and scenarios so this option for me I think is the best.
Now Is The Time
I don’t know what’s in front of me and what’s waiting for me outside of that tunnel. What I do know is I know what I went through in the tunnel just to get where I am now to only start seeing the little light that I see now. I don’t want to go back; I’m scared to go back to the dark and living in the shadows I was in for so long. Yes, I’m going to the unknown, but look at what everything I have been through. Look at the change that I have made physically and mentally. What you need to do is the same thing, dig deep and focus on you. For the short time period and find you, and figure out what you want. You can’t be scared anymore. Close your eyes grind your teeth squeeze your hands, do whatever you need to do.
Just take that leap of faith and go, life is too short to waste any more time. The world is massive, it’s 2017. We have more than enough money in the world and opportunities to do what you believe in. Now is the time to do something about it, quit making excuses and focusing on what happened in the past. “Home is behind you, the world is ahead of you” – Gandalf
Anger a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. Anger is I don’t want to say a skill or talent I have mastered at a young age. More along the lines of a bad habit and a burden I guess you could say. Now yes there can be some pros to having anger or an angry mindset, I’ll explain don’t worry. Really it’s very limited; the cons definitely outweigh the pros in this category.
I’ll save you the details but if you haven’t noticed there’s a trend here. All of my issues that I have developed over the years. My anger started when I was six. Not far behind a lack of confidence, bad attitude and sarcasm all were building up and trailing. It all began when I found out I was different and I had a disability. Again I’m trying not to complain here. More along the lines of just opening up about it from a different perspective.
As far as the pros with anger and having that attitude and roughness that comes with it. If that’s what you’re wondering this is what I’m talking about. Having this cloud over me and being different my whole life. When it was time for me to work and I actually put in the effort. I had to work harder than everyone else. In order to just keep up with the class, I had to work twice as hard and I would still get a worse grade than everyone else. With that work ethic, I had developed at a young age that carried over to me now. Being in the best shape I have ever been, the smartest and most determined I have ever felt. For once now, I feel a purpose and somewhat of direction for me.
The twenties is a hard age group, you’re just finishing up college or you have been out of high school for a few years. You are trying to find yourself, trying to find direction and what it is you want to do and where you want to go. For me, the last six or seven years have been harder than my prior 20 years. Now where I am in life, my determination and anger that I have are what helped take me over the edge. Again if you use anger the right way, to help drive you to be successful and push yourself to better yourself. It can be a great attribute to have, as long as you are holding the strings and controlling it.
On the flip side, if you let it and your emotions get the best of you then it can be one of your worst enemies. In my early years, my anger definitely got the best of me and had control over me. I was a puppet to anger; if it told me to do this do that, jump here. Following those directions, no hesitation I couldn’t help it. I was weak and soft and at a low point, I was vulnerable to what I was going through that I was broken and beaten down. No strength, I couldn’t control it and try and counter it and fight back. It was a battle day in and day out, and a battle I lost on a regular basis.
There were times when my anger got so bad, all I wanted to do was break stuff, hit something and I would just freak out. My parents noticed it and I’m sure they were worried for a while because they saw it from a different perspective then I did. What they saw was a more controlled version of who I really am. Just imagine if they knew what was really going on in my head, they would have been a lot more concerned.
Finally, they got me a punching bag for one Christmas and it was awesome. I had an excuse to hit something and let out that rage that was building and forming within me. I would picture what or who I wanted to hit, and not get in trouble for breaking anything or punching a wall. It was a battle against my mind, even though I was punching the bag. I felt like I was punching and fighting my faults and my frustrations that was controlling me and getting the best of me.
As I’m writing this, I can’t say I have concurred my anger. To be honest, I don’t think I ever will. I think deep down I’m always going to have that rage and anger deep within me. Now one plus about it is, I’m starting to hold the strings and starting to take control. I’m still human and not trying to use that as an excuse. I still have emotions and being the only brother and trying to be the best brother, uncle and son I could to my family. I don’t like it when one of my sisters gets hurt for an example.
Say something happens to a family member because of somebody else making a stupid mistake. They get hurt for what the other person did, it’s natural and our instinct to want to do whatever we can and protect the ones we love. It doesn’t matter who you are, as human’s men, women, Christians or non-believers. Deep down we all have that instinct to help those that are down and vulnerable in a situation. The thing is what will you do about it when the time comes to use your power to help others and make a difference? Some will act and try to help, some will just roll by and pretend like it never happened or they didn’t see anything.
I get sidetracked a little when I’m writing sometimes if you haven’t noticed already I apologize. With everything I said, using me as an example in this. Where do you stand on this subject, are you the one being held by the strings, or are you the one controlling the strings? We have our faults and we get caught up in the moment when we are being backed into a corner. Again were human it happens, not using it as an excuse or a reason to go out and start throwing haymakers or anything like that haha.
Take A Chance
Life is like a chess game, have you ever thought about it like that? We start taking little steps in life trying to find our feet and figure things out. As life goes on we get older and start to get farther into the game we’re playing. Things start to happen, roadblocks come along we start to get bills and stress is starting to build up. How we react to everything that’s being placed on our lap or in front of us, is just how you respawn with your next move in chess.
Are you going to take a gamble and a risk sometimes or just play it safe and take the easy route and step by step? There’s no right or wrong answer here, only you can answer for yourself. We each have are on board and making our own moves in our game that we call life. What are you going to do with your life bored? I’ve taken the easy route for far too long, and look where it got me? Now I’m picking it up a notch and changing my approach. I have become more aggressive and willing to take chances. Take those aggressive moves and leaps of faith to pursue new things.
Again as much as it scares the crap out of me, and trust me it does. I would rather take a gamble and risk it. Try and do something worthwhile with the reaming time I have left. Now my anger is driving me and helping to push me and guide me. When I don’t feel motivated or feel like doing something. Whenever I start to change directions and veer of course. My anger and determination give me a good slap in the face to remind me what the goal is. Do you know what you’re doing, and the direction your heading?
105 Is A Stupid Number
Rejection can be hard, especially 105 plus times. I’m sure we have all have gone through it at one time or another in our lives. Yes like most things, some more than others, some had it worse or easier, of course, that’s life. Not everybody is going to go through the same issues, roadblocks whatever you want to call it. Some are going to be more serious and life threating, or as simple as getting rejected by a girl and finding out she’s not into you. Another example might be, if you email agents about your book and you get no, after no, after no. Let’s just say the last few months, I’m starting to hate the word no haha.
This might sound dramatic a little. Seeing everything first hand I feel like I would know more than anyone else. I have been rejected a lot, and have been through a lot. When I found out about my disability and I was different than every other kid in my grade. Going back to when this all started 20 plus years ago. I know firsthand probably more than most what it feels like to get rejected, time after time.
Rejection Is Never Easy
Again it wasn’t all bad and horrible; please understand that there were definitely good moments and happy times. Unfortunately, no matter how good the happy times and exciting times are. It’s true what they say the bad always outweighs the good. Well, it will always outweigh the good, only if we let it of course. We need to keep in mind it’s all in our mind and how we handle and react to everything. It’s our mindset that makes a difference.
As far as rejection it all started back in the day when I had to change schools. The school I was attending at the time couldn’t help me so I had to move on to something else. When it came to dating, for example, a different side to it if that’s how you interrupt rejection. Well, I never had an “official” girlfriend or with someone long enough I guess you could say to call it that. My track record definitely isn’t the best.
A few examples and encounters I had over the years. One never called me back after our first date. Another it was kind of mutual, we just stopped talking. Another I thought she seemed interested but then I was wrong. I found out, even though I was told by an anonymous source. She thought I was cute and funny and all of that, she didn’t feel a connection. Another one we were talking for a while, then next thing I knew she had a boyfriend. Another strikeout haha, whatever it happens that’s life.
As much as I want to get married and hopefully someday have a family if I’m lucky enough. I think to me as hard as it was going through those “relationships” I guess you could call them that. To me getting rejected for my book in the end I think was worse. As far as dating ok I haven’t found the one or I have just been unlucky, ok I accept that and it happens. I just have to keep putting in the effort and keep searching.
For my books, I have put hours and days into creating them and trying to turn just a random document on my computer into something special. I’m an artist trying to turn a blank canvas into a masterpiece. I feel like I finally found my purpose and what it is that I’m supposed to do now.
As the saying goes I’m not blowing smoke. Ask anyone in my family, they have all said and made comments about how committed I am to this giant project I’m working on. Yes, I have gotten a few lectures from everyone through the years. Your young go and enjoy life why you can before you get older and miss out on life.
I love my family and would do anything for them to protect them and help them out in any way. In this case, though, they are wrong and I 100% disagree with them. Sure I hang out with my friends and everything once and awhile. Life is short I don’t want any more regrets so that’s why I have been working my tail off for the last six years.
They are right, life is short and it goes fast, that’s the reason why I have worked so hard and put so much into this over the years. Here is my life the last six years by the numbers. Book one TWTDME-196 hours and counting that’s just over eight days. Book two, I’m not going to share the names for the next two. Not yet at least haha, 90 hours almost four days. Book three about 85 hours, three and a half days.
With all the time and hours I put into these books and trying to bring these stories alive. Imagine how you would feel getting rejection letter after rejection letter, 105 times? In the back of my mind, it’s hard not to start thinking. Well crap, maybe this isn’t what I’m supposed to do. Now what do I do, I’m back to square one?
My birthday is March 25 and the day before I sent my first email to an agent looking for representation. From 3/24-8/11 was the last email I sent looking for representation. Within those five months, I have sent exactly 305 emails to different agents looking for someone to rep me. Within that time I have received 105 emails saying the same thing, thanks for contacting me but it’s not for me, or I’m not the right agent for you.
I’m so focused on what I think I’m meant to do, again I have never been this focused working on my craft and determined before. I will send 1,000 emails if I have to. I have had blinders on the last three years, that’s when I took my writing to the next level. Now I think I’m on to something; all I need is one person to bite and give me a chance. Again it sucks I’m not going to deny it and lie to you. That’s why I built this website. A few of them explained my network and my following isn’t big enough to back me quite yet.
I can’t deny that in this new field I’m entering yes I’m a newbie. That’s why I’m doing this; I’m taking matters into my own hand, again. There were some days I was sad and upset about it, and I let it get the best of me. I lied there were a lot more than some, it was bad for a while. We have all been there I’m sure at one time in our life, who hasn’t? What makes you and me different, is how long you stay there and what you do when you come out of that funk you’re in.
I’m Not Normal
You can just accept it and stay down why the world or whatever had you down keep kicking you. Or you get up rise and do something about it? You do whatever it is you have to do to keep going, keep fighting and keep working toward whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish and chasing after. Whatever the situation might be, as a dyslexic kid entering a field realistically I probably don’t belong in, or is quite like everyone else in that field.
You know what who cares, screw normal and forget what everyone else says. Yes, if you haven’t noticed I can’t spell, or my grammar is bad and I’m definitely not the smartest kid I’ll admit that. What makes me different is I had to think outside the box my whole life, I’m not like everyone else. I’m different and I’m proud of that now, I wasn’t always proud before. I don’t want to settle and just be an average Joe anymore living a life that’s safe and secure like a good percentage of people do. We only get one life and one chance here on Earth.
I have been scared my whole life, I have kept to myself my whole life, and lived in my little box where I thought I would be happy and ok with where I was. Not anymore, once I fell into writing and journaling and started back on August 6, 2011, was the first day I started my book. So happy anniversary to me I just passed seven years of writing haha.
I would rather commit and put everything I can into it and do the best I can. After 10 years I fail and it doesn’t work out, well that sucks but I have to accept it and move on. Looking back, I will be proud of the effort I put in and realized it’s not what I’m destined for. It’s just another step in my life. I would have rather taken that chance and rolled the dice, then settle for a desk job that whole time.
You Can’t Let It Stop You
Another example is what I had talked about earlier about 2Pac. He died at 25 but look at what he did with his career? Yes, he died at a young age and it’s sad, but look at what he accomplished? I would rather commit and make the most of my life in a short span on earth, then be around for the long haul.
I would rather die at 50 and do everything I could in my power to make a difference, help others and use my story to impact people. That would be more rewarding to me, then living into my late 90s and just keep to myself and just be average and go with whatever happens and live inside a box. You decide what you want to do with your life. Do you want to go after something and not let rejection and failure control you and your outcome? Or do you want to be this guy and keep running and running doing the same thing over and over and not going anywhere in life?
That day changed my life, and that’s when the process of the new me started to develop and the real me was starting to come out. Sure it’s been a working progress; again it’s a process it will take time, it won’t happen overnight. I can’t be scared anymore and I’m not, honestly what else do I have to lose. Maybe I won’t be as big, or even the next John Grisham or J.K. Rowling.
If that’s the case then it wasn’t meant to be, I guess God has something different planned for me. If I don’t try or I just decide after getting 105 rejection letters about my books and said screw it I can’t do this anymore, I’m done. Again we all have different paths and journeys were on. I know in the beginning it might be scary taking that leap of faith and going after what you want to do or what you have a passion for. Trust me I know, I took that gamble and leap and I jumped.
Was It Risky
January I dropped down to part-time at my job to try and pursue this career, was it a gamble absolutely. Do I regret it yet, no I don’t? Sure I miss the paycheck, but where I was at that time I was not happy. I knew this wasn’t for me, and something had to be done and I had to do something about it. I took that leap, maybe it won’t be as extreme as mine. Again we only live once. My first 20 years I feel like I wasted them and wished them away.
Sure I was a kid I didn’t know any better. This was all new to me, and I was learning. It’s a hard time for a kid trying to figure out what’s next. All I know is these last seven years have been filled with ups and downs of course, and defiantly a lot of low points I won’t lie about that. Even though those low points and hard times I was in, I have never felt so alive before in my life through that time period. Even though I took the gamble and I felt alone, depressed and angry for so long, it felt good to finally be able to feel something for a change. It wasn’t a healthy or good feeling, but it was still a feeling.
Go Through That Wall
What are you going to do about it, let rejection get the best of you or let the wall in front of you stop you? Are you going to keep working and try and find a way around it, over it or through it, maybe under it? If you want it bad enough then you will do whatever it takes to get to where it is you want to go. I’m in that moment right now, I have made up my mind. I decide I’m going all in; I’m fully committed and ready to take that gamble. I don’t want any more regrets in my life, yes I’m young still but the regrets I already have in my life our more than enough at this point, I don’t need anymore.
Life is supposed to be fun, we need to start acting like that. Making the most of it and living it up. Are you going to let 105 people prevent you from accomplishing your goals and chasing what it is you want to become? Or are you just going to play it safe and settle? Set up shop where you are and be scared your whole life?
I made up my mind that day seven years ago. I have been working and trying to better my craft every day by putting in the work. Now I know what I need to do; I gave up a lot and missed out on a lot of opportunities. Looking back at it now, what I know now. What good would those opportunities have really taught me, the answer is nothing? I’m willing to sacrifice certain things to get there and make those dreams and goals a reality. Not just for myself or for my family, but for you and for making a difference in the world. Doing my best with the remaining time I have left, do you?
I’m sure you have two things probably running through your head. Either who is Tupac Shakur, or why I’m writing about him? No worries I’ll explain both, stay tuned. Who is Tupac; I’ll save you all of the little details about him growing up. He is a poet, rapper, actor and truly one of the bests to ever do it. If you ask me I think he’s the best, that’s just my opinion aka the (goat). He was way more than just a rapper and actor and poet. He was human he made mistakes he did stupid stuff that he regretted or wish he didn’t do. I’m sure you did as well. He was very talented, and he went to a performing arts school in Baltimore. He made albums, acted in a few movies and made poetry all before he died.
Unfortunately, he died at the young age of 25, back on September 13, 1996. Yes, that’s today; it’s crazy to think that depending on where you were born and the time you were born really does make a big difference in what you do with yourself or in your life. I know it might be obvious or sound stupid, just stick with me. He definitely did not have the easiest life. Being born in New York, and then going to Baltimore and the up to California. Compared to me as an example, I was born Lancaster PA. Not a big area or a popular area where you could get into more trouble and crazy stuff happening on a regular basis. Well going back to when I was born in 1990 at least.
One day when I was at work, I wish I could remember the song but I don’t. A 2pac song came on, and being a fan of Hip Hop I, of course, heard the whole East vs West beef years ago. A guy I worked with was telling me about Pac and some background about him. I wanted to hear more, about one of the best if not one of the best to ever do it. Google is the best haha. I looked him up and I found a book about him, Tupac Shakur: The Life and Times of an American Icon.
I didn’t know where to start, so I picked a book and went with it. Not only was I hooked on the first few pages reading it. Honestly, cover to cover it was probably the second maybe the third book I ever read cover to cover up to that point. I hated reading like I have said before, and it took a lot for me to read. I was slow but I finished the book and I was hooked.
For a long time, I was upset with the man. I would listen to his music constantly; I then purchased his book with his poems The Rose That Grew from Concrete. Again I was amazed and hooked even more. His words it was something about it, as cliché as it sounds his poems and some of his songs spoke to me. I can’t really explain it any more than that; it was what I needed to hear at the time and where I was in life.
He Pushed Me
Yes, this is a letter paying respect to Pac and honoring him, but for me personally its way more than that. Pac is the reason that I started chasing my dream that I have been hunting for the last six years. When I started writing in August of 2011. Pac was killed in 1996, so 15 years later his voice is still being heard. His poems and songs are still being listened to and taken in, maybe not as much as it once was.
For me, though it’s simple and whenever somebody asks me how I got started writing and fell into this life. It’s a simple answer; first God gave me everything I needed to put it all together. After all, he gave me life and my Learning Disability, to begin with, all the situation’s that happened or I was a part of. He made them all happen for a reason. I strongly believe Pac is the one and only reason I started writing and picked up a pen and started journaling the day I started reading his book.
All Planned Out
Again, first and for most as a Christian, I believe God already has everything figured out. I’m not taking anything away from him. I just think Tupac was that last little nugget I needed to start this new journey that was waiting for me. I easily could have just read stuff online or just started listening to his music and that was it. With how much I hated reading, I was fascinated and hooked and determined to finish.
Pac wasn’t perfect, he did a lot of stuff I didn’t agree with and said a lot of stuff I wasn’t crazy about. Again we definitely lived two different lives no question about it. My earlier years were a lot easier than his, I won’t deny it I had both parents and lived in the suburbs of Lancaster PA. He was raised mostly by his mother, and he moved a lot and bouncing all over and at times he did what he had to do to survive and get by.
Nobody Is Perfect
I personally wasn’t crazy about his personal life and how he lived it every day. I mean really who am I to judge him or criticize the guy anyway? We lived in two different worlds, maybe his life was all he knew and that’s what he learned at a young age. In his early 20s, he was rapping acting and selling millions of cd’s and sharing his mind with the world and what he thought about anything and everything.
Compare that to my early 20s, it was a whole different world. I was living with my parents, depressed, angry, alone searching for what’s next and trying to find direction. At 25 he dies and has sold over 75 million records. Me now at 27 I feel like I’m only getting started in the world and just starting to find that motivation and purpose that he had at such a young age. Yes, I know you can’t compare people and really you shouldn’t. We both our two different people, living in different times, and have to different lifestyles.
Pac Helped Me
With everything I said about Pac, either you agree with what he says, his lifestyle; you like him or hate him. That’s your opinion and you’re allowed to have that, as far as my opinion. He helped me and guided me into a field and helped pushed me to start a career at the time, I have no reason to belong in. Hate him or love him, we all need to dial back and be careful not jumping to conclusions and assuming anything about people. With everything that I said, this is just a thank you letter to the man that helped change my life and helped pushed me in the direction where I’m going in now. Again first and always first for me, the glory goes to God. No matter what in the end he did everything and paved the road for me.
On earth, Pac was the person that gave me that final push and nudge I needed to go for it. Who cares if you’re scared or nervous about what’s in front of you, or the new field you might be entering in. I can’t spell; you probably noticed that on my blogs sorry haha. I can’t read fast, I’m definitely not the smartest person, but I’m trying my best. What this man did his whole life, even the last five years of his life, he will do and have more of an impact than most of us combined.
You never know where motivation will come from, or who will end up motivating you to do something. So no matter what keep your ears and eyes open and ready for what’s next. Don’t be afraid to let your voice be heard, stand up for what you believe in. “Listen to what they’re saying. Don’t just bob your head to the beat” Pac RIP
One of my favorite poems
My Happy Place
When things are bad and you’re down, life or work or whatever is kicking your butt. Where do you go? What do you do? Is there something special you have to do to try and control it, to calm yourself down or make yourself happier? Do you have a happy place? Who knows maybe you don’t need one and your one of those lucky ones that are always calm and happy, nothing really gets to you. If that’s you, well then you should feel very lucky. I don’t think there are too many people around that has that gift like you.
For me, I would say it’s simple, but honestly, it just depends on what level of mode I’m in. If I’m mad then maybe I just need to hang out with my family or friends, kick back and laugh a little. I mean having 10 nephews and nieces definitely doesn’t hurt, whenever we get together in a four-hour span there is always at least two or four cries that whole time by them. It’s a madhouse but I love it. If I’m like six or a seven mad, then maybe I just need to walk a little and stretch my legs to calm down.
My Go To
Maybe I just need to journal for a little or work on my books. Working on something that can distract me, but will also have the potential to help me down the road is also a good bonus. If that doesn’t work, then lifting weights is definitely a go to. If I’m angry and seeing red then I need to be alone, and definitely, go to the gym and throw some weight around. I need to inflict pain on myself and that’s the best way to do it. Plus as an added bonus I will feel much better after and get stronger, so really it’s a win-win.
That’s why our Happy Place, or are alone time is so important and so crucial to our sanity. Everyone has to be able to blow off some steam at some point, whatever it is. Some people handle it and go about it all differently. It really doesn’t matter, whether it’s yoga, knitting, or reading. If it makes you happy and brings you back down and calms you, then who cares what people think.
Make The Most Of It
I’ll be honest there have been times where my friends wanted to do something or go out. Most of the time, it was because I wanted to journal or work on my books. I didn’t care I needed that me time, and every time I did that it brought me that much closer to finishing my book. Now, are they published or do I have representation, well no unfortunately not yet. Yes, if you are wondering it SUCKS and if you weren’t wondering well now you know. That’s life though, everything happens for a reason and you just have to roll with it.
I’m drawing a blank on who said it or the quote itself. “We each have a hand of cards and that’s all the cards we have. What you make of it and do with them is what you get out of life.” Hopefully I didn’t mess it up too much, hopefully, you understand what I’m saying. Life is what you make of it, some days it won’t be pretty. Some days it will be awesome, others you’re just going to want to crawl into a hole and hide. After those moments and whatever you do with them, that’s the kind of life you’re going to have. Make the most of that hand you were dealt, or just fold and give up. What are you going to do with that hand?
Faults, is an unattractive or unsatisfactory feature, especially in a piece of work or in a person’s character. Unfortunately, we all have them, things we don’t like about ourselves things we wish we could change or do differently. Well, that’s maybe what you’re thinking, not me, I’m what they call perfect and have no faults, unlike YOU losers, haha kidding. Well, that’s a lie, I’m just trying to be funny. Of course, I have my faults I have a lot, that’s why I’m writing about it right now.
One of my worse faults, that really brings me down. Honestly, I think it has damaged me for so long because I have been doing it for so long. I’m so hard on myself and I’m such a tuff critic toward myself. On one side I expect perfection which isn’t the worse attitude I guess. On the flip side, If I mess up or do something wrong, I’m so hard on myself. Calling myself names, Iddiot, stupid, why did you say that or why didn’t you do this.
It Takes Time
I feel like I take it to another level, plus with me having that attitude and negative attitude toward myself for so many years now. Again establishing that mindset and demanding perfection at the young age of six and now being 27. You do the math, that is a long time of breaking myself down, day in and day out. As you can see It’s not something I can fix overnight or fix in a day or two. It will be hard, and it will certainly be a process.
Another fault of mine that I don’t like, Is I’m dyslexic and horrible at spelling, grammar and a slow reader and everything along that nature. Hence the reason why I didn’t like school and why it wasn’t fun and affected me for so long. So yes if you’re wondering, I have written three books now with a combined total of 250,000 words altogether. That is one of my many faults I have, and it bothers me every day and it’s something I have to deal with every day and the rest of my life.
That’s why I’m a different person now, I have recognized my faults and weaknesses and are working to try and get better in them every day. That’s why I read so much now, that’s why I’m doing this blog, well one of the reasons. To show you that we’re all different, and we all have things about ourselves we don’t like.
If you read my posts and notice, maybe a misspelled word or punctuation or grammar is a little off. That’s because I want it to be real and not fake. I want you to know who I really am, and I’m trying to get better every day with my weaknesses and faults. If I had someone check my posts every time, then it would not be completely me, and I feel like I would be lying to you a little bit. When you read my posts and see the mistakes, and I’m sure there will be a lot, sorry. You know that I’m putting myself out there and trying to show you the real me and who I am.
Again it scares the crap out of me doing this, knowing what judgment might be coming my way and waiting for me. I want people to like me, I want to be everyone’s friend. Will that happen of course not, you can’t please everybody? Why do we have to hate someone because they are different than us, why can’t we accept it? Maybe instead of hating or laughing at someone because they can’t do something or maybe aren’t as good as you in something. Maybe you should offer your services to help them, help them get better and fix that weakness that’s holding them back from being a better version of themselves?
Looking at yourself now, standing in front of a full-length mirror of yourself. You can see your feet all the way to your head, what do you see? Are you proud of what you see? I’m not just talking your body, in general, I’m talking about all the above. Your attitude, your effort you give the world every day. Are you proud of it? Or are you embarrassed with the time you waste or the lack of effort you put in? I want you to actually try this, look at yourself in a mirror and seriously grade yourself. What do you see? If you don’t like the way your body looks, start eating right and working out. If you don’t like the effort that you have been putting in at work or every day, then fix it.
You can’t fix the past and what you did yesterday, last week, or even a year or two ago. That’s over you have to accept what you have done and what happened and move on. You are in the present, stop living in the past and start getting better now. Start preparing yourself for what’s to come and make your future better than your past. Time goes so fast, now is the time to start working and make yourself better.
Don’t waste any more time, decide to do it. Even if you’re scared or have a little fear and nervous about what you want to do. That’s normal if you’re nervous or have a little fear that’s good. Use that fear and nerves that you have, and flip it and turn it into something better. Stop wasting time, come up with a plan and make it happen. No more excuses, figure out the problem in front of you, and conquer it and better yourself.
Regret Is An Interesting Topic
Well at least for me it is maybe. For me, I have one regret and one regret only in my 27 years of existence so far. Sure there were moments I wish I did this or didn’t do that, but there is only one major thing I have to live with. Now the only downside to having this regret if I didn’t have it and go through what I did to get where I am now in life. Then where would I be? Would I be the same person, or even have the same mindset and drive that I have now?
You already know my background and my earlier years growing up. How I struggled with school and all my ups and downs. With all of that done now and looking back, it still bothers me thinking about my High School days. HS is supposed to be one of the best times of our lives, and it was for me.
Then again it was also one of the worst times too. I used my disability and having dyslexia as an excuse going through school, and I paid the price for it. With where I am now in life, did I really pay for it? I have never been more hungry and determined to achieve this goal of mine. Maybe it was a sacrifice I had to pay, in the end, wouldn’t you sacrifice something to make a difference or achieve that goal and purpose you have been dreaming and searching for?
Not just in school anymore, I think it carried over to what I thought was going to take me somewhere, sports. Growing up baseball and basketball were my spots all my earlier years. When I was younger playing baseball. Getting double plays and I even got a handful of triple plays. School dominated me and had my number and I couldn’t focus on it. When it came to sports I felt like Einstein. I was so good and looking ahead and seeing the game from a different angle and always quick and ready for the next play. With basketball when I would be playing defense. I loved defense shutting down the other person preventing them from scoring. With defense, I was smart with it.
I’m defending my guy and someone comes to screen me or I get tangled up. Rushing and pushing to get through it quickly, I look for my man and the ball. The point guard dribbles over to my guy, so I have time now. I start to slow down on purpose. When the PG motions his hands and starts to pass the ball. I quickly speed up to cut off the pass and jump in front of it, and I’ve stolen the ball and on a breakaway.
I Miss It
In school I wasn’t a big-time scorer, in HS I maybe averaged 10-15 points something like that. When it came to defense It was easier for me and came more natural than becoming a scoring threat. I also loved passing, I would rather get 10 dimes a game, then averaging 20 points. It was more enjoyable controlling the game and where the ball was going. I controlled it and had the power, instead of me working for it and getting open. It didn’t hurt having the accuracy and strength to make the hard passes also.
What made the basketball side the worse was my senior year. Last year and usually everyone’s best hopefully of course. Wanting to do your best and go out on top. One day I was struggling or just in my head not doing that good I don’t remember exactly. One of my coaches came up to me, long story short. He said Peter you have the talent and you are one of the best players in the league if not the best.
Before I Tell You
I knew I had the physical talent and I knew I could play. I could do everything, I was the whole package. Not being cocky, but I could shot, pass, defend, I was fast, quick and had long arms. Now for some reason my body just couldn’t keep up, my mind and body just seems to be on two different levels. It was very frustrating, I think that’s part of the reason why he said that. He noticed something was up, or I wasn’t playing to my full potential.
Once he said that I felt honored first that somebody thought that. Then after awhile, I was thinking, crap why aren’t I playing to my full potential then? Why am I holding back, what’s the point? I have nothing to lose what am I afraid of? The next thing I knew graduation came and I received my piece of paper and walking down the stage and that was it.
With All Of That Said
The point I’m trying to make here is this. Even though I didn’t play my full 100% potential and didn’t try as hard as I could have, or should have in sports and school. I WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING, going through those moments and four years. It helped make the person I am today, sure I would have loved playing a sport in college and getting a taste of that life. Then thinking about it now, school wasn’t for me so in order for me to go, it would have to be a perfect fit. Nobody’s story is going to be perfect and glorious as the movies.
Honestly, who would want a perfect life like that? For me everything that I have battled or dealt with the last 27 years. It all played a part in who I am today, and brought me to this very moment and made me the awesome, funny, and sexy person I am today haha.
Your Life Is A Book
Each chapter is a year, and once it’s December 31st its over and a new chapter begins January 1st. After my earlier years in my twenties, I just got sick of the same thing. Enough was enough, feeling guilty and showing pity for myself. Yes it sucks, and I can’t go back and its almost been 10 years since I graduated, that all is horrible and feels weird saying that.
A few good things about that is this, first I’m not dead, my heart is still beating and I’m breathing so I have another chance. With my life and what I did, and the attitude and mindset I chose to have in HS. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way, sometimes though I think we have to learn the hard way. It makes us stronger and a better person for it.
Now I can help kids not make the same mistakes I made. Try harder in school as much as you hate it, I get it most of us hated it. Life goes so fast, and this should be the BEST times of your life. Not up and down, and ok or below par times for the most part like it was for me. I missed my chance to play for Duke and under Coach K. One good thing with my story and what I have learned and sharing with you all now. Who knows maybe that will make a difference in a kids life that was struggling. Maybe it was that little push they needed to keep going and not give up.
What Are Your Goals
People I have talked to, books I have read, or podcasts I have listened to within the last few years. It’s unbelievable the number of people that don’t have goals or kind of just roll with whatever it is they want to do or are aiming for in life. They might say, ooh that would be cool to do that or maybe one day I hope to have this or that. I don’t think that’s a goal, you have heard that statement hundreds of times.
Without a plan and just going with the flow or whatever it is you are doing day in and day out. If that’s your attitude, then what you think are “goals” are actually just dreams and you’re just blowing smoke. If you’re not going after it with everything you have and giving it your all, then what are you really accomplishing? Honestly, it almost seems kind of pointless, if you are not fully committing to it.
I Think I Understand
Again how I said I think I’m starting to put everything together, and starting to understand life a little bit? Well, this is just my opinion, and what I think of course. I mean it’s my website it’s all my opinions haha. With me being a Christian and believing in something bigger than myself, we were all put here for a reason. I also believe why we are on earth and living out a purpose and are duties that are already planned out for us. I believe that God gives us some choices that will lead to whatever it is we are destined to do or follow through with.
With that said, with whatever time you and I have left on Earth. Don’t you think it’s time to change your ways and start trying to better yourself and make the most of it? My earlier years, I was lazy and like I said earlier I just rolled with whatever came my way. I complained about it and didn’t do anything about it. I just let that cloud hang around and stay with me for far too long. It’s too late now to go back in time to fix my mistakes and fix my attitude I had in school all of those years. If I could go back in time, would I change it?
Write It Out
With everything I said, I’m not perfect I miss writing down my goals some days I’ll admit it. Even If I miss a day or two of writing them down. Next, to my bedroom door, I have my list. At the top it’s marked March 25, 2020, so if you’re wondering what that day is? That’s the day I turn 30 and that’s the day that I want to accomplish all of my goals. I have about five or six that are my main focus and what I’m really working towards. Then I have a few others that I want to accomplish. They are more physical so if my body holds up and I’m healthy, then I’ll go for it.
Here are my goals, and they have been on my board next to my door since July 12, 2015. That’s when I decided to do this, and that’s really when my new mindset began to shift. Enough was enough, one day it just hit me. It was about time I do something with my life and started working towards something. You can be a new person like I’m trying to be, all you have to do is decide right now? It really is that simple, decide what it is you want in life. Come up with a plan and do something about it.
Stop wasting time, every day is special and WE all, I definitely included. Start showing this gift that we are given every day that we call TIME, some respect. We need to start making the most of our life. Stop taking advantage of this beautiful gift we get every day. What are you going to do about it? Make something of yourself or just say screw it and just keep wasting time? If that’s what you want, then keep doing the same thing and living the same life.
My learning Disability is probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me. At the same time, one of the best things that have ever happened to me. I was diagnosed in 2nd-grade.
School through those years, was HELL for me. Sure, there were good days and good times, of course, no question about it. If I had a few good days or a week, the following week or month would be worse. It felt like a giant roller coaster, going up and down, twist and turns bouncing all over the place.
As the years went on, my issues and LD problem seem to get worse. Now that I was getting older, and school got harder and I was getting farther and farther behind. Even though I had a handicap that didn’t matter. I still had to keep up with the homework and the tests.
If I was in middle school 7th or 8th grade. My reading level was a 3rd or 4th-grade level. I couldn’t spell, I was very slow at reading. I just struggled all around with everything that had to do with school. Even with getting extra help from the teachers, I still struggled. The teachers would always make sure I had a seat up front. Just so I would be closer and maybe that would help me pay attention better. News flash it didn’t help.
Sometimes I would get an extra day or two if we had a big project. If we had a test and I didn’t finish by the end of the class. I could stay and finish it, or go to another room and finish it. I would get extra time on big tests, or a teacher would read the questions to me. Imagine how I felt with that, having a “special” teacher in the room with me with my whole class. I would just get so embarrassed and felt stupid. I just wanted to crawl into a hole. They tried everything to help me. I’m beyond grateful for all the help from all of my teachers over the years.
Bring on freshman year, I’m at a new school and finally in High School. Only four more years Peter and you are free, from this prison. That’s all I kept telling myself. On the flip side, only four more years and then WHAT is all I kept telling myself? It was a catch 22, I will be done with school. I’m sure as heck not going to college, what will I do then? All of these thoughts were going through my head, almost every day of HS.
Every day I got closer to my ultimate goal of getting that stupid piece of pepper and graduating. I had NO clue what to do next? I was so focused on graduating and reaching that milestone that was my one and only goal at the time. The only problem with that attitude and focus day in and day out. I focused on the future too much and missed out on my present as the days went by? The next thing I knew, graduation morning was here and I just squeaked by with a 2.0 GPA. I’m not proud of it, but I passed I didn’t care.
To this day, and every day that follows I will always have trouble, and my issues will always hang over me like a cloud where ever I go. Now at the age of 28, I’m starting to get better with it every day. I’m getting to the point, I have this disability and this handicap and it won’t change, I just have to roll with it. For the longest time I would Pray and a plea to God, why me, why did you do this?
I still don’t have the answer and I still don’t know what my purpose is. In the meantime, maybe I could turn this weakness of mine into something better? Maybe I could turn this, stupid disability into something bigger and better and try and make a difference with it?
Did you know there are a lot of big names that are Dyslexic? Albert Einstein, Richard Branson, The Wright Brothers, Henry Winkler, Henry Ford, Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell, Steve Jobs, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Walt Disney, John F. Kennedy, Tom Cruise. As you can see they all went on to accomplish amazing things.
That’s why I can’t use it as an excuse anymore. I may not become a president, or an actor, to name a few. That doesn’t mean I can’t be successful. It just means I need to work a little harder. Get up a little earlier than the average person to get ahead. The good thing is, I don’t want to be average and just fit in anymore. That’s not me anymore, there’s a new Peter in town. I want to stand out and make a difference in the world. Having an impact on people’s lives is what I want. Every day I want to do the best I can until I take my last breath.
If I want to publish my books. That means I’m going to have to work harder than most, just to keep up with people around me. I want to make the most of my life now and make an impact on peoples lives.
With all of that said I can’t keep moping about with this cloud hanging over me. These were the cards I was dealt with. I need to make it work and keep going. My LD is stuck with me, I have to accept that now. I can’t change that, it’s who I am. Even though that’s who I am, it doesn’t mean I can’t put it to good use. With my new mindset, I have started to build the last few years. It’s an easy answer, challenge excepted.