Confidence

Confidence

Confidence

A feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities. Self-conscious definition- feeling an undue awareness of oneself, one’s appearance, or one’s actions. Which one are you? In some cases, I’m the confident one. In most cases and about 75% of the time, I’m the self-conscious side. What can I say we all have our flaws, and again sorry for repeating myself but most of my flaws go back to when I was diagnosed at a young age.

I realize being young and not knowing any better, it was easy to get upset and angry at my situation. Even young kids at a young age, they aren’t stupid they notice things and they catch things adults do. Now with my nephews and nieces when I do or say something around them. I really have to be careful with what I say and do. I don’t want to get that mom look from my three sisters let alone my own mother haha.

A young age

I always wondered and thought why I’m not smart, why am I stupid and different than everyone else? That was a question I asked my parents on a regular basis. Imagine a young kid asking you that question hundreds and hundreds of times? What do you say to a little kid, when you are put on the spot like that?

My parents did the best they could and I’m not mad at them. I’m grateful for everything they did for me. Again having that burden for so many years weighing you down. A lack of confidence can really mess with you. It can prevent you from being productive and accomplishing your goals and doing big things in life.

At 27

I’m still self-conscious, I’ll admit it. I don’t like saying that but I’m not going to sit here and lie about it and wear a mask and hide like I have been hiding my whole life. I told you from day one I was going, to be honest, and let you in on who I really am. Well, by now you should start to understand who I really am and why I am like I am. Lacking confidence is not good, shocking I know haha. It can prevent you from living your life and making the most of it and the opportunities you have or are placed in front of you.

Honestly, It doesn’t matter what example you use. It can affect anything you’re doing and hold you back from seeing and chasing new opportunities ahead of you. It doesn’t matter what those opportunities are. Leaving your 9-5 job to become an artist and share your artwork with the world. Or finally get the courage to talk to that girl you have been wanting to talk to for weeks now. Any example will work and you get the point I’m trying to make.

Now is the time

Stop wondering what if, and be hesitant and scared to do something. Now is the time to roll the dice and go for it. What’s the worst that happens she says no to going out, so you move on? Maybe it takes you a year and a half to sell your first piece and to help get your name out there. It doesn’t matter, you took that chance and it doesn’t matter how it turned out. Either good or bad, you learn from it and keep going. Who knows what other doors that situation might open up for you down the road. In most cases, you did more than most, who don’t even do anything.

For me, One of my many struggles in this department is I don’t think I’m smart enough or good enough. Another one is when I’m in a room with five people or 20 people it doesn’t matter. I wonder what the other people are doing and how they got so successful and curious to see what they did to get there? Then I wonder and look at my situation and see where I am and what I have done? I realize we all go on different paths and have different destinations we are working toward and chasing.

What about you

I know what I need to work on, and I’m working on it as I’m writing this and opening up to you and trying to share my story with you. Again it doesn’t matter what you’re lacking and struggling with. Look at your situation and recognize it, next come up with a plan and do something about it.

I want to publish my books and become a published author. With no experience in that subject and I don’t know what to do to make that happen. I did the research and tried something and did something about it. Emailing agents to represent me, well that hasn’t worked out so far, and it sucks. Now I’m blogging and have my website to try a different approach to it. This way might work, it might I don’t know yet. What I do know is, I’m still trying and doing the best I can and adapting to whatever speedbumps are placed in front of me.

What do you need to change or fix in your own life? You can try and act all cool, saying I don’t need to do anything. Well, I hate to break it to you, but that’s crap and a lie. If you are not constantly changing and trying to better yourself and learning, then what are you doing with yourself and your life? It doesn’t matter how old or young you are, as long as you are still breathing then you still have time to do something about it.

Scared Of Success

Scared Of Success

Scardy Cat

I know this may be a little surprising and you may be thinking a fear of success, who would be scared of success? Well, it’s true it is a fear and probably more common than you think as funny as that sounds. Again thinking and writing it down, it still seems funny to me. How could you fear success? Everyone wants to be successful or should want to be, so why be scared? I think it has to do with a few things for me.

The fact that my mentality is set so high. That I will be successful, and I fully believe that. I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL, whether it’s good or bad, positive or negative. Whatever you feed yourself, the thoughts and your mindset you have, that’s whats gonna make the difference in the end. In the end, that’s what is going to separate those that are hungry and want to turn a dream or goal into a reality. Or there is the other half, that will have that dream and goal, simply just a dream and goal, and nothing else. They will realize that it’s impossible or too hard to reach, and can’t fathom it.

Cruise Control

All these years I’ve kind of been going with the flow of things, just coasting along basically waiting for what comes next. What happens when I finally overcome those hurdles and speed bumps of mine. I can finally say, “I am successful” and I made it? That should be a dream for everybody, saying those words. Think about this for a minute. If you have a dream and a goal, it will take some work to accomplish, correct? Maybe a little extra effort, some blood maybe sweat or anything else you have to give to complete it?

Just picture what that feeling would be like after you work your tail off, and finally achieve your dream goal? Close your eyes right now, well, finish reading this part first then try it. It will be kind of hard to read what’s next with your eyes closed. Picture what your number one goal is or your dream in life? Now picture yourself accomplishing that goal and doing what it is you want to achieve, close your eyes again and think about that for a minute?

Do You Want More

Personally, I think everyone should want more than just money. They should want a passion or a dream job and want to accomplish something worthwhile. Having a big bank account isn’t enough for me. If money is honestly your number one goal and main priority and you want to swim in it, like the duck swimming in his gold from duck tales. If you can honestly say that’s you then, I guess I’m wrong, sorry. Go swim and get yourself a pool full of gold or money. I don’t want to accomplish my dreams and goals just to be a millionaire, that’s not why I’m doing this.

If you ask me, why does success scare me? Why do I even think about it all the time? I’ll tell you why, even though I know I am meant for something bigger, and I truly believe that. I’m not saying I’m going to cure cancer or bring peace on earth by stopping a war. I certainly wouldn’t turn down the chance to help accomplish those things. I do believe, I’m meant to help people somehow some way. Who know’s as long as I keep my faith and with God, on my side, it will happen. If I keep working and putting in the effort to try to accomplish and conquer those goals and dreams of mine than anything is possible.

Take The Chance

Trust me, I have my bad days still and want to give up, and just say forget it. I’ll just be average and just find a good job and take care of my family, and call it a day. That’s good enough for me and better than nothing. It’s fine to just be a pawn in this chess game that we call life. I hear these success stories and all the good some people are doing in this world, that has so much evil and I think to myself.

Why not just go for it, why not me, why not you? I want to do that, I am going to do that, I’m going to do something with myself and with my life. Anything you or I do that’s helping someone throughout the day will help make the difference that we need right now. Even if it’s as simple as opening a door for someone to let them go in first. It’s simple I know, but think about it, you have to start somewhere right? You don’t just automatically just accomplish your goals right away, you have to take it step by step.

Keep Working

Another reason why success scares me, I would be committed to something greater than what I had before. It may be stupid, but I want to be as successful as possible. I want to make my family proud and be able to help people. The ultimate thing that drives me is, I want to hear the words “BECAUSE OF YOUI didn’t give up, or I kept going and didn’t stop. Changing lives is what I’m about, it’s what I want to do.

That will be the start of my success, I’ll say it again and for the last time. What drives me is to hear the words “BECAUSE OF YOU” I did this or that or whatever. That’s the end goal people, I have said it before. If putting myself out there and opening myself up, for the greater good and to help others then it’s worth it. I willing to sacrifice my privacy for the greater good, and help nudge people along like I needed a nudge for years.

Live Your Dash

Live Your Dash

My Dash

Live your dash, what does that mean is probably what you’re thinking. The dash represents your life that you live. For example, I was born in 1990-2020 I don’t know when I will die I just put a year to show you, sorry mom. It’s from a poem by Linda Ellis, and with only using 239 words. The message is so deep and means so much, with such little words used.

In some cases, I have already or will repeat myself, as far as what I’m trying to do with this website. Again my goal is to become a published author and share my story with you, and the world. We all have a unique story and something to share. Unfortunately, most people won’t share it or do anything about it. Honestly, that’s a waste and a shame I went years and years depressed, angry, pissed not just at myself and who I was and why I was this stupid kid with a Learning Disability.

Me Against The World

I was also against the world. I felt like it was impossible to succeed and be successful and make something of myself with this weakness and faults I was born with. Little did I know at six years old when I was diagnosed with this disability. A little over 20 years later I will have created my own website and sharing my story with the world.

If you didn’t know, I have two sides to me and I think that’s normal to an extent. For me, for example, it was two completely different people living in my body. Who people thought I was and who they saw in person and around others. I tried to be a good person and be happy and helpful to others. But when I was by myself, that’s when the real Peter Alexander Harrower came out and my true self was free. I was an angry kid, I’m still angry and again I think I’ll always have that rage to an extent. Again over the years I just found a way to kind of control it, and tame it I guess you could say.

Who Cares

With everything, I’m trying to say here and share with you. It doesn’t matter what your background is or where you came from or what you did or used to do. You can always turn your life around. Not just because you should do it for yourself and maybe you will feel better. Who knows what impact you might have on somebody else? That’s what I’m trying to do here, share my life and world with you.

Sure I’m also trying to build a following so I have enough support behind me to help pursue a career in writing and maybe get a book deal out of it. I’m not going to apologize about that, yes it’s my choice to pursue that field. It’s also my choice to share my story, just like it’s your choice. Now I know first hand if you keep everything to yourself, you’re wasting a lot of good opportunities to help others. I realized that the hard way and I paid the price for it. I don’t want you to waste your life and make the wrong choices like I did. My childhood is clearly over and I’m 27 now. My opportunity is long gone, but yours isn’t.

Listen, Kids,

I’m talking to you stubborn kids these days, that think they know everything. You don’t know anything yet, I know that because I used to be young and stupid like you. All of this is being shared with love, of course, haha. I thought I had all the answers and everything figured out. Enjoy your childhood, and teenage years. Because when it’s over, it’s over there is no going back. This isn’t a video game or a movie, this is real life.

As I’m sitting here writing this right now, let me ask you. What are you going to do with your dash? With everything I have shared with you so far, and the inside look at who the real Peter is so far. I’m sure a lot of you had no idea I had all of these issues, or maybe thought this way, or even had these goals. Well surprise, and this is all coming straight from yours truly. My goal from day one was to be as real as possible and show you who I really am. No, I’m not perfect and neither are you, but really who is? I’m asking you, what will you do with your Dash?

Make The Most Of It

It doesn’t matter what year you were born and what number comes first before the dash. What matters most is, you keep working your hardest and doing the best you can before that end number shows up. If that doesn’t scare you, then you’re not taking this serious enough it’s that simple. I don’t want to die anymore like I used to a few years ago. Now If I die well then so be it, I know where I’m going. Now I want to live, the last few years have been hard. I’m not just living for myself anymore, I’m living for my family, friends and all of YOU.

I have to keep going and keep pushing myself and bettering myself every day. As long as you are still breathing then you have a chance to make a difference, no matter what everyone else says to you. If you believe in yourself then that’s all that matters. Life is too short, live it up and make the best use of that Dash, don’t waste it anymore. After all, you only get one life, and one Dash so enjoy it and have fun. Now is the time to Live Your Dash.

Do You Know Who’s Watching

Do You Know Who's Watching

Surprise

Do you know who’s watching you or looking up to you?  When I was a kid growing up, again with being Dyslexic I had an imagination and always looking at things differently than most. I would watch a show for example. They would be talking to the camera on the show or they would just be going on with their everyday life doing whatever it was they were doing. After seeing this, I thought it would be cool to be on a show or movie.

I then really started thinking, like some of the reality stars how cameras follow them through everything. The good the bad they are there, day in and day out. I wonder what that would be like, everyone following you? For me, it was not so much trying to get famous and make money or anything along those lines. It was more about thousands or millions of people are going to know who I am. I need to start changing my ways and make my life a little better and more entertaining. For a while, I would pretend I was on a show, this was all in my head just imaging whatever I was doing there would be people watching me.

Actor

Fast forward a number of years, I still kind of kept that mindset and imagining all of this in the back of my head. If I was going to be on a show, then I would have to make my life a little more entertaining and enjoyable. I started to treat my life like I was on a show. Except with no cameras following me, it was my family, friends and everyone else in the world. What I did with myself day in and day out, I pretend people were watching me. At the time my life was boring I wasn’t doing anything really exciting with it.

I was in a slump for so long, I didn’t care at the time. Not many people would want to be following my life when I was struggling and in a dark place for days, months and even going on for years. That’s not entertaining it’s sad, who would want to watch that? It would just make them depressed or sad, not be motivating to them and be inspiring to them like I wanted to do.

I changed my ways, If I want to work hard and make a difference then I had to start working like I’m being watched 24/7. My work ethic had to change, I had to get more focused on my craft and start working harder than I ever have before. If I had a goal in mind and something to shoot for, then I had to actually work for it. If I just say I want to do something and never do anything about it what good would that really be? That wouldn’t accomplish anything, and my dreams and goals I have would just be that, dreams and goals.

New Me

What benefit would that have to myself and you guys? That’s why anything and everything I do now, I’m imagining people are watching me with everything I do. Whether that’s being kind to a stranger, opening a door for someone anything simple along that, it doesn’t matter. Am I the best uncle, brother, or friend I could be. Maybe I might be, I don’t know, that’s not my decision to evaluate myself. That’s everyone else’s job to decide. I feel like I can do better in everything I do. We all can do better in everything we do every day.

From now on no matter what you are doing and whatever you say. Maybe we should all start slowing down a little bit more and think about what we’re doing? What actions were doing and following through with every day. Maybe we all should start working a little harder and imagining people are constantly watching us. If you didn’t know, they probably are watching you. Keep that in mind, even if people aren’t around and watching. You should still do the right thing and keep working hard no matter what. Either for your family, friends or just you. It doesn’t matter who you’re doing it for, just decide, commit and do something about it. No more talking, follow through with something you committed to and make it happen already.

Legacy

Legacy

My Legacy

Legacy is something that has always been important to me ever since I could remember going back to being a kid. I want to leave a legacy and leave something behind me when I take my last breath. I want to impact people, kids, strangers and everyone I can and do the best I can. Looking back I felt like I always thought different than most, even at a young age. Being dyslexic has that effect we all have to think differently than most and look at things differently than most.
That’s why I want to have an impact on people’s lives and help them. As cool as it would be to have people and strangers come up to me and say because of you I did this or I took a gamble like you and went after my dream. Hopefully, that doesn’t sound cocky or me trying to sound full of myself. I just know where I was when I was younger. All the low points I had and how useless I felt. I don’t want people especially kids to go through what I went through. Unfortunately, sometimes we all have to go through roadblocks and hiccups sometimes to find us and figure out who we are and what we’re capable of doing when our backs are against a wall.

Against A Wall

If you’re you’re stuck and the walls are closing in on you, what are you going to do? You have two options, one your ok with what happens and let whatever is closing in on you conquer you and take over. Or you say screw it, and you go out swinging and fighting your way through whatever it is that’s holding you down? Again I would rather go out swinging and die young making the most of my life than playing it safe and living in a bubble that most people live in every day.
If this sounds harsh and if you take it the wrong way or like I’m coming after you and calling you out. Well good, that’s what I’m doing. I’m not going to apologize for this. Stop being scared and excepting what happens to you, and let it beat you and conquer you. We all have our hard times and moments in life, that’s what makes life so beautiful. That was my life for 20 years, and enough was enough. I had to make a change not just for my family and future family if I’m lucky enough to get married or have kids. I had to do it for myself, and I and you shouldn’t apologize for that.
If you are on a plane and the air mask falls down what do they tell you to do first? They tell you to put your mask on first, then help your kids or whoever else is around you. Just like yourself or myself for an example. What good am I to the world or family, or my friends if I can’t even take care of myself? You need to figure out why you’re doing this? What it is you want to leave behind when it’s your time? Some people are fine with just doing their thing, and not really worrying about much. Rolling with whatever comes their way. If that’s you then cool you do you.

For Me

I want more as a Christian and as a human here on earth. With whatever time I have left, I want to make the most of it and have an impact on others. I want to leave something behind that’s bigger than me and has an impact on others and help people. I have received so much help in my life that it’s time I return the favor and help others.
A goal for me is to leave the world a better place then it was when I came into it. That’s definitely a big goal I have with wanting to make that much of an impact. Whether I make that much of a difference or not or even get a chance. At least I’m trying something and willing to fail and take a gamble to help others. What are you going to do with your life? What kind of an impact do you want to leave behind?

The Past

The Past

Time Machine

I have two questions for you, first, if you could go back in time, would you? Second, if you decide to go back in time what would you do differently? What would you say to your younger self, in the past? Let’s pick this apart a little bit real quick, I mean I guess it’s all about me. Let’s use me as an example haha. If you have read my earlier posts, then you remember my background and struggles. This is a question I asked myself a lot the last few years. Lately, I have been going back and forth on which side I would choose, it’s 50-50.

The reasons why I’m 50-50 are because let’s just said I redo high school again. Going back to the first day of 9th grade, if I could go back that’s where I would start. I would tell myself, Peter, God made you who you are for a reason. For the longest time, I thought he screwed up on me and he made a mistake creating me. It was all a mental game, I was just trying to hurt myself and also try and pity myself at the same time, again 50-50. My life was already planned out years in advance. If I were to go back and start all over. I would have tried harder in high school of course and I would have had a better experience.

Maybe

If I went back and tried a little harder maybe I would be more proud of myself? If that’s the case then who knows where I would be now at 27? I can’t imagine what I would be doing or where I would be If I changed a few things? Maybe I would have had a 3.0 GPA and then went to college. Even with being dyslexic, I didn’t use that as an excuse I powered through anyway and tried my hardest. If only I tried harder in sports and not just rely on my God-given abilities. If only I put in the extra effort in the weight room and in the offseason. Who knows maybe I could have been a 1,000 point scorer for my school or could have played a sport in college.

That’s what I think I would say to myself, or another option of how my life could have turned out. If that is what happened and how it worked out, and the effort I put into school and sports. Then again who knows where I would be, or what I would be doing. Regardless it’s a gamble which direction I would be heading in. As much as I would like to go back and change what I did, and maybe put a little more effort into school. It’s easy to say that and go a different direction when I know the road I have been on the last few years and how hard it has been.

If Only

Trying not to make it sound as cliché as it sounds, if only I knew then what I knew now. I just wished I would have had more confidence to go after whatever was in front of me and not be hesitant or scared. I’m still hesitant and scared sometimes, again afraid of either getting rejected or looking stupid saying the wrong thing. Realistically, I have been saying or doing the wrong thing my whole life when it came to school and life. I have been dealing with a lack of confidence since I was six years old, so again I know what it’s like so what does it really matter anymore? You think I would have learned and thought I know what it feels like, it can’t get much worse, can it?

If it was a life and death situation, someone said I have to choose right now. I wouldn’t change a thing when it’s all said and done. As much as it pains me knowing I could have done better in school and sports I could have tried harder, and pushed myself a little harder. Sure it’s easy to play the, what if game, and if only this happened or I did that. In the end, playing that game is stupid, because the situation is over and it’s in the past now.

Reality

There is nothing we can do about it, we just need to accept it and move on. That’s what I’m trying to do, look at everything I have shared with the world so far. A few years ago, I wouldn’t be sharing any emotions I had or struggles I had. I kept trying to be strong not just for myself but for my family. Trying to be brave with the situation I was in and to show them that I can do it.

In all reality, and on multiple occasions I was close to ending it myself and taking matters into my own hand. Yes, you read that correct, I contemplated suicide hundreds of times. Taking the coward’s way out of life and excepting the fact that it beat me and I was ok with it. I didn’t care anymore I was done, waving the white flag I give up.

That’s why in the end, I know I wasn’t a mistake you and I were all placed here for a reason. God didn’t mess me up or screw anything up; it was a mental battle I was in every day for years. I just finally accepted it after all this time, yes I’m different; I’m slow when it comes to learning and I look at situations differently. Being slow, not being able to spell and read fast, and thinking outside of the box has brought me to this point in my life.

New Me

I now have my own website, I’m blogging and putting my faults out to the public. Trying to give back and help others that are like me. I have now written three books totaling close to 250,000 words between the three. Working on new ideas for books, or projects I want to do.

I have the third book in my trilogy and have thought of two other book ideas. I’m not done, I can’t be done there is too much work to do still and not enough of time. Feeling bad for me after all of these years is just wasting time and draining me more and more every day. I’m not getting any younger and as much as it pains me to say, I’m going to be 30 in a few years.

I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of people to connect with in this process and share my story with. Again please don’t take this the wrong way or in a cocky matter in any way, that is defiantly not my intention. I know what it’s like to lose and feel like a loser, with no direction and no fight left in him. Again it was bad and ugly for a number of years; I was in a dark, dark place.

Negative

Now like I have said before I see light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m starting to feel the warmth of the sunlight shining in on me. I finally feel close to what I think it is that I’m meant to do. Could I be wrong, well of course, but if I am then so what? I readjust and keep going; besides all of this could just be another step taking me to what I’m meant to do. It would be worth it in the end, so I don’t care I have to keep going and fighting through the roadblocks ahead of me.

That’s why I don’t think I would go back in time anymore to change anything. I believe if I did that I would lose my fight and my hunger to keep going and pursuing the unknown and what I can’t see or what’s out in front of me now. If you want to go back, then that’s fine that’s your call. Who am I to say you’re wrong, and I’m correct? We have all been placed in different situations and scenarios so this option for me I think is the best.

Now Is The Time

I don’t know what’s in front of me and what’s waiting for me outside of that tunnel. What I do know is I know what I went through in the tunnel just to get where I am now to only start seeing the little light that I see now. I don’t want to go back; I’m scared to go back to the dark and living in the shadows I was in for so long. Yes, I’m going to the unknown, but look at what everything I have been through. Look at the change that I have made physically and mentally. What you need to do is the same thing, dig deep and focus on you. For the short time period and find you, and figure out what you want. You can’t be scared anymore. Close your eyes grind your teeth squeeze your hands, do whatever you need to do.

Just take that leap of faith and go, life is too short to waste any more time. The world is massive, it’s 2017. We have more than enough money in the world and opportunities to do what you believe in. Now is the time to do something about it, quit making excuses and focusing on what happened in the past. “Home is behind you, the world is ahead of you” – Gandalf

Anger

Anger

My Anger

Anger a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. Anger is I don’t want to say a skill or talent I have mastered at a young age. More along the lines of a bad habit and a burden I guess you could say. Now yes there can be some pros to having anger or an angry mindset, I’ll explain don’t worry. Really it’s very limited; the cons definitely outweigh the pros in this category.

I’ll save you the details but if you haven’t noticed there’s a trend here. All of my issues that I have developed over the years. My anger started when I was six. Not far behind a lack of confidence, bad attitude and sarcasm all were building up and trailing. It all began when I found out I was different and I had a disability. Again I’m trying not to complain here. More along the lines of just opening up about it from a different perspective.

Pros?

As far as the pros with anger and having that attitude and roughness that comes with it. If that’s what you’re wondering this is what I’m talking about. Having this cloud over me and being different my whole life. When it was time for me to work and I actually put in the effort. I had to work harder than everyone else. In order to just keep up with the class, I had to work twice as hard and I would still get a worse grade than everyone else. With that work ethic, I had developed at a young age that carried over to me now. Being in the best shape I have ever been, the smartest and most determined I have ever felt. For once now, I feel a purpose and somewhat of direction for me.

The twenties is a hard age group, you’re just finishing up college or you have been out of high school for a few years. You are trying to find yourself, trying to find direction and what it is you want to do and where you want to go. For me, the last six or seven years have been harder than my prior 20 years. Now where I am in life, my determination and anger that I have are what helped take me over the edge. Again if you use anger the right way, to help drive you to be successful and push yourself to better yourself. It can be a great attribute to have, as long as you are holding the strings and controlling it.

Fragile

On the flip side, if you let it and your emotions get the best of you then it can be one of your worst enemies. In my early years, my anger definitely got the best of me and had control over me. I was a puppet to anger; if it told me to do this do that, jump here. Following those directions, no hesitation I couldn’t help it. I was weak and soft and at a low point, I was vulnerable to what I was going through that I was broken and beaten down. No strength, I couldn’t control it and try and counter it and fight back. It was a battle day in and day out, and a battle I lost on a regular basis.

There were times when my anger got so bad, all I wanted to do was break stuff, hit something and I would just freak out. My parents noticed it and I’m sure they were worried for a while because they saw it from a different perspective then I did. What they saw was a more controlled version of who I really am. Just imagine if they knew what was really going on in my head, they would have been a lot more concerned.

My Release

Finally, they got me a punching bag for one Christmas and it was awesome. I had an excuse to hit something and let out that rage that was building and forming within me. I would picture what or who I wanted to hit, and not get in trouble for breaking anything or punching a wall. It was a battle against my mind, even though I was punching the bag. I felt like I was punching and fighting my faults and my frustrations that was controlling me and getting the best of me.

As I’m writing this, I can’t say I have concurred my anger. To be honest, I don’t think I ever will. I think deep down I’m always going to have that rage and anger deep within me. Now one plus about it is, I’m starting to hold the strings and starting to take control. I’m still human and not trying to use that as an excuse. I still have emotions and being the only brother and trying to be the best brother, uncle and son I could to my family. I don’t like it when one of my sisters gets hurt for an example.

Spidey Sense

Say something happens to a family member because of somebody else making a stupid mistake. They get hurt for what the other person did, it’s natural and our instinct to want to do whatever we can and protect the ones we love. It doesn’t matter who you are, as human’s men, women, Christians or non-believers. Deep down we all have that instinct to help those that are down and vulnerable in a situation. The thing is what will you do about it when the time comes to use your power to help others and make a difference? Some will act and try to help, some will just roll by and pretend like it never happened or they didn’t see anything.

I get sidetracked a little when I’m writing sometimes if you haven’t noticed already I apologize. With everything I said, using me as an example in this. Where do you stand on this subject, are you the one being held by the strings, or are you the one controlling the strings? We have our faults and we get caught up in the moment when we are being backed into a corner. Again were human it happens, not using it as an excuse or a reason to go out and start throwing haymakers or anything like that haha.

Take A Chance

Life is like a chess game, have you ever thought about it like that? We start taking little steps in life trying to find our feet and figure things out. As life goes on we get older and start to get farther into the game we’re playing. Things start to happen, roadblocks come along we start to get bills and stress is starting to build up. How we react to everything that’s being placed on our lap or in front of us, is just how you respawn with your next move in chess.

Are you going to take a gamble and a risk sometimes or just play it safe and take the easy route and step by step? There’s no right or wrong answer here, only you can answer for yourself. We each have are on board and making our own moves in our game that we call life. What are you going to do with your life bored? I’ve taken the easy route for far too long, and look where it got me? Now I’m picking it up a notch and changing my approach. I have become more aggressive and willing to take chances. Take those aggressive moves and leaps of faith to pursue new things.

Again as much as it scares the crap out of me, and trust me it does. I would rather take a gamble and risk it. Try and do something worthwhile with the reaming time I have left. Now my anger is driving me and helping to push me and guide me. When I don’t feel motivated or feel like doing something. Whenever I start to change directions and veer of course. My anger and determination give me a good slap in the face to remind me what the goal is. Do you know what you’re doing, and the direction your heading?

105

105

105 Is A Stupid Number

Rejection can be hard, especially 105 plus times. I’m sure we have all have gone through it at one time or another in our lives. Yes like most things, some more than others, some had it worse or easier, of course, that’s life. Not everybody is going to go through the same issues, roadblocks whatever you want to call it. Some are going to be more serious and life threating, or as simple as getting rejected by a girl and finding out she’s not into you. Another example might be, if you email agents about your book and you get no, after no, after no. Let’s just say the last few months, I’m starting to hate the word no haha.

This might sound dramatic a little. Seeing everything first hand I feel like I would know more than anyone else. I have been rejected a lot, and have been through a lot. When I found out about my disability and I was different than every other kid in my grade. Going back to when this all started 20 plus years ago. I know firsthand probably more than most what it feels like to get rejected, time after time.

Rejection Is Never Easy

Again it wasn’t all bad and horrible; please understand that there were definitely good moments and happy times. Unfortunately, no matter how good the happy times and exciting times are. It’s true what they say the bad always outweighs the good. Well, it will always outweigh the good, only if we let it of course. We need to keep in mind it’s all in our mind and how we handle and react to everything. It’s our mindset that makes a difference.

As far as rejection it all started back in the day when I had to change schools. The school I was attending at the time couldn’t help me so I had to move on to something else. When it came to dating, for example, a different side to it if that’s how you interrupt rejection. Well, I never had an “official” girlfriend or with someone long enough I guess you could say to call it that. My track record definitely isn’t the best.

Strike 3

A few examples and encounters I had over the years. One never called me back after our first date. Another it was kind of mutual, we just stopped talking. Another I thought she seemed interested but then I was wrong. I found out, even though I was told by an anonymous source. She thought I was cute and funny and all of that, she didn’t feel a connection. Another one we were talking for a while, then next thing I knew she had a boyfriend. Another strikeout haha, whatever it happens that’s life.

As much as I want to get married and hopefully someday have a family if I’m lucky enough. I think to me as hard as it was going through those “relationships” I guess you could call them that. To me getting rejected for my book in the end I think was worse. As far as dating ok I haven’t found the one or I have just been unlucky, ok I accept that and it happens. I just have to keep putting in the effort and keep searching.

Hard Work

For my books, I have put hours and days into creating them and trying to turn just a random document on my computer into something special. I’m an artist trying to turn a blank canvas into a masterpiece. I feel like I finally found my purpose and what it is that I’m supposed to do now.

As the saying goes I’m not blowing smoke. Ask anyone in my family, they have all said and made comments about how committed I am to this giant project I’m working on. Yes, I have gotten a few lectures from everyone through the years. Your young go and enjoy life why you can before you get older and miss out on life.

My Family

I love my family and would do anything for them to protect them and help them out in any way. In this case, though, they are wrong and I 100% disagree with them. Sure I hang out with my friends and everything once and awhile. Life is short I don’t want any more regrets so that’s why I have been working my tail off for the last six years.

They are right, life is short and it goes fast, that’s the reason why I have worked so hard and put so much into this over the years. Here is my life the last six years by the numbers. Book one TWTDME-196 hours and counting that’s just over eight days. Book two, I’m not going to share the names for the next two. Not yet at least haha, 90 hours almost four days. Book three about 85 hours, three and a half days.

With all the time and hours I put into these books and trying to bring these stories alive. Imagine how you would feel getting rejection letter after rejection letter, 105 times? In the back of my mind, it’s hard not to start thinking. Well crap, maybe this isn’t what I’m supposed to do. Now what do I do, I’m back to square one?

My birthday is March 25 and the day before I sent my first email to an agent looking for representation. From 3/24-8/11 was the last email I sent looking for representation. Within those five months, I have sent exactly 305 emails to different agents looking for someone to rep me. Within that time I have received 105 emails saying the same thing, thanks for contacting me but it’s not for me, or I’m not the right agent for you.

Tunnel Vision

I’m so focused on what I think I’m meant to do, again I have never been this focused working on my craft and determined before. I will send 1,000 emails if I have to. I have had blinders on the last three years, that’s when I took my writing to the next level. Now I think I’m on to something; all I need is one person to bite and give me a chance. Again it sucks I’m not going to deny it and lie to you. That’s why I built this website. A few of them explained my network and my following isn’t big enough to back me quite yet.

I can’t deny that in this new field I’m entering yes I’m a newbie. That’s why I’m doing this; I’m taking matters into my own hand, again. There were some days I was sad and upset about it, and I let it get the best of me. I lied there were a lot more than some, it was bad for a while. We have all been there I’m sure at one time in our life, who hasn’t? What makes you and me different, is how long you stay there and what you do when you come out of that funk you’re in.

I’m Not Normal

You can just accept it and stay down why the world or whatever had you down keep kicking you. Or you get up rise and do something about it? You do whatever it is you have to do to keep going, keep fighting and keep working toward whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish and chasing after. Whatever the situation might be, as a dyslexic kid entering a field realistically I probably don’t belong in, or is quite like everyone else in that field.

You know what who cares, screw normal and forget what everyone else says. Yes, if you haven’t noticed I can’t spell, or my grammar is bad and I’m definitely not the smartest kid I’ll admit that. What makes me different is I had to think outside the box my whole life, I’m not like everyone else. I’m different and I’m proud of that now, I wasn’t always proud before. I don’t want to settle and just be an average Joe anymore living a life that’s safe and secure like a good percentage of people do. We only get one life and one chance here on Earth.

Accept It

I have been scared my whole life, I have kept to myself my whole life, and lived in my little box where I thought I would be happy and ok with where I was. Not anymore, once I fell into writing and journaling and started back on August 6, 2011, was the first day I started my book. So happy anniversary to me I just passed seven years of writing haha.

I would rather commit and put everything I can into it and do the best I can. After 10 years I fail and it doesn’t work out, well that sucks but I have to accept it and move on. Looking back, I will be proud of the effort I put in and realized it’s not what I’m destined for. It’s just another step in my life. I would have rather taken that chance and rolled the dice, then settle for a desk job that whole time.

You Can’t Let It Stop You

Another example is what I had talked about earlier about 2Pac. He died at 25 but look at what he did with his career? Yes, he died at a young age and it’s sad, but look at what he accomplished? I would rather commit and make the most of my life in a short span on earth, then be around for the long haul.

I would rather die at 50 and do everything I could in my power to make a difference, help others and use my story to impact people. That would be more rewarding to me, then living into my late 90s and just keep to myself and just be average and go with whatever happens and live inside a box. You decide what you want to do with your life. Do you want to go after something and not let rejection and failure control you and your outcome? Or do you want to be this guy and keep running and running doing the same thing over and over and not going anywhere in life?

Keep Working

That day changed my life, and that’s when the process of the new me started to develop and the real me was starting to come out. Sure it’s been a working progress; again it’s a process it will take time, it won’t happen overnight. I can’t be scared anymore and I’m not, honestly what else do I have to lose. Maybe I won’t be as big, or even the next John Grisham or J.K. Rowling.

If that’s the case then it wasn’t meant to be, I guess God has something different planned for me. If I don’t try or I just decide after getting 105 rejection letters about my books and said screw it I can’t do this anymore, I’m done. Again we all have different paths and journeys were on. I know in the beginning it might be scary taking that leap of faith and going after what you want to do or what you have a passion for. Trust me I know, I took that gamble and leap and I jumped.

Was It Risky

January I dropped down to part-time at my job to try and pursue this career, was it a gamble absolutely. Do I regret it yet, no I don’t? Sure I miss the paycheck, but where I was at that time I was not happy. I knew this wasn’t for me, and something had to be done and I had to do something about it. I took that leap, maybe it won’t be as extreme as mine. Again we only live once. My first 20 years I feel like I wasted them and wished them away.

Sure I was a kid I didn’t know any better. This was all new to me, and I was learning. It’s a hard time for a kid trying to figure out what’s next. All I know is these last seven years have been filled with ups and downs of course, and defiantly a lot of low points I won’t lie about that. Even though those low points and hard times I was in, I have never felt so alive before in my life through that time period. Even though I took the gamble and I felt alone, depressed and angry for so long, it felt good to finally be able to feel something for a change. It wasn’t a healthy or good feeling, but it was still a feeling.

Go Through That Wall

What are you going to do about it, let rejection get the best of you or let the wall in front of you stop you? Are you going to keep working and try and find a way around it, over it or through it, maybe under it? If you want it bad enough then you will do whatever it takes to get to where it is you want to go. I’m in that moment right now, I have made up my mind. I decide I’m going all in; I’m fully committed and ready to take that gamble. I don’t want any more regrets in my life, yes I’m young still but the regrets I already have in my life our more than enough at this point, I don’t need anymore.

Life is supposed to be fun, we need to start acting like that. Making the most of it and living it up. Are you going to let 105 people prevent you from accomplishing your goals and chasing what it is you want to become? Or are you just going to play it safe and settle? Set up shop where you are and be scared your whole life?

Committed

I made up my mind that day seven years ago. I have been working and trying to better my craft every day by putting in the work. Now I know what I need to do; I gave up a lot and missed out on a lot of opportunities. Looking back at it now, what I know now. What good would those opportunities have really taught me, the answer is nothing? I’m willing to sacrifice certain things to get there and make those dreams and goals a reality. Not just for myself or for my family, but for you and for making a difference in the world. Doing my best with the remaining time I have left, do you?

Thanks Pac

Thanks Pac

GOAT

I’m sure you have two things probably running through your head. Either who is Tupac Shakur, or why I’m writing about him? No worries I’ll explain both, stay tuned. Who is Tupac; I’ll save you all of the little details about him growing up. He is a poet, rapper, actor and truly one of the bests to ever do it. If you ask me I think he’s the best, that’s just my opinion aka the (goat). He was way more than just a rapper and actor and poet. He was human he made mistakes he did stupid stuff that he regretted or wish he didn’t do. I’m sure you did as well. He was very talented, and he went to a performing arts school in Baltimore. He made albums, acted in a few movies and made poetry all before he died.

Unfortunately, he died at the young age of 25, back on September 13, 1996. Yes, that’s today; it’s crazy to think that depending on where you were born and the time you were born really does make a big difference in what you do with yourself or in your life. I know it might be obvious or sound stupid, just stick with me. He definitely did not have the easiest life. Being born in New York, and then going to Baltimore and the up to California. Compared to me as an example, I was born Lancaster PA. Not a big area or a popular area where you could get into more trouble and crazy stuff happening on a regular basis. Well going back to when I was born in 1990 at least.

Background Check

One day when I was at work, I wish I could remember the song but I don’t. A 2pac song came on, and being a fan of Hip Hop I, of course, heard the whole East vs West beef years ago. A guy I worked with was telling me about Pac and some background about him. I wanted to hear more, about one of the best if not one of the best to ever do it. Google is the best haha. I looked him up and I found a book about him, Tupac Shakur: The Life and Times of an American Icon.

I didn’t know where to start, so I picked a book and went with it. Not only was I hooked on the first few pages reading it. Honestly, cover to cover it was probably the second maybe the third book I ever read cover to cover up to that point. I hated reading like I have said before, and it took a lot for me to read. I was slow but I finished the book and I was hooked.

For a long time, I was upset with the man. I would listen to his music constantly; I then purchased his book with his poems The Rose That Grew from Concrete. Again I was amazed and hooked even more. His words it was something about it, as cliché as it sounds his poems and some of his songs spoke to me. I can’t really explain it any more than that; it was what I needed to hear at the time and where I was in life.

He Pushed Me

Yes, this is a letter paying respect to Pac and honoring him, but for me personally its way more than that. Pac is the reason that I started chasing my dream that I have been hunting for the last six years. When I started writing in August of 2011. Pac was killed in 1996, so 15 years later his voice is still being heard. His poems and songs are still being listened to and taken in, maybe not as much as it once was.

For me, though it’s simple and whenever somebody asks me how I got started writing and fell into this life. It’s a simple answer; first God gave me everything I needed to put it all together. After all, he gave me life and my Learning Disability, to begin with, all the situation’s that happened or I was a part of. He made them all happen for a reason. I strongly believe Pac is the one and only reason I started writing and picked up a pen and started journaling the day I started reading his book.

All Planned Out

Again, first and for most as a Christian, I believe God already has everything figured out. I’m not taking anything away from him. I just think Tupac was that last little nugget I needed to start this new journey that was waiting for me. I easily could have just read stuff online or just started listening to his music and that was it. With how much I hated reading, I was fascinated and hooked and determined to finish.

Pac wasn’t perfect, he did a lot of stuff I didn’t agree with and said a lot of stuff I wasn’t crazy about. Again we definitely lived two different lives no question about it. My earlier years were a lot easier than his, I won’t deny it I had both parents and lived in the suburbs of Lancaster PA. He was raised mostly by his mother, and he moved a lot and bouncing all over and at times he did what he had to do to survive and get by.

Nobody Is Perfect

I personally wasn’t crazy about his personal life and how he lived it every day. I mean really who am I to judge him or criticize the guy anyway? We lived in two different worlds, maybe his life was all he knew and that’s what he learned at a young age. In his early 20s, he was rapping acting and selling millions of cd’s and sharing his mind with the world and what he thought about anything and everything.

Compare that to my early 20s, it was a whole different world. I was living with my parents, depressed, angry, alone searching for what’s next and trying to find direction. At 25 he dies and has sold over 75 million records. Me now at 27 I feel like I’m only getting started in the world and just starting to find that motivation and purpose that he had at such a young age. Yes, I know you can’t compare people and really you shouldn’t. We both our two different people, living in different times, and have to different lifestyles.

Pac Helped Me

With everything I said about Pac, either you agree with what he says, his lifestyle; you like him or hate him. That’s your opinion and you’re allowed to have that, as far as my opinion. He helped me and guided me into a field and helped pushed me to start a career at the time, I have no reason to belong in. Hate him or love him, we all need to dial back and be careful not jumping to conclusions and assuming anything about people. With everything that I said, this is just a thank you letter to the man that helped change my life and helped pushed me in the direction where I’m going in now. Again first and always first for me, the glory goes to God. No matter what in the end he did everything and paved the road for me.

Thank You

On earth, Pac was the person that gave me that final push and nudge I needed to go for it. Who cares if you’re scared or nervous about what’s in front of you, or the new field you might be entering in. I can’t spell; you probably noticed that on my blogs sorry haha. I can’t read fast, I’m definitely not the smartest person, but I’m trying my best. What this man did his whole life, even the last five years of his life, he will do and have more of an impact than most of us combined.

You never know where motivation will come from, or who will end up motivating you to do something. So no matter what keep your ears and eyes open and ready for what’s next. Don’t be afraid to let your voice be heard, stand up for what you believe in.  “Listen to what they’re saying. Don’t just bob your head to the beat” Pac RIP

Image result for the rose that grew from concrete poem

One of my favorite poems

Image result for in the end of my despise pac

Happy Place

Happy Place

My Happy Place

When things are bad and you’re down, life or work or whatever is kicking your butt. Where do you go? What do you do? Is there something special you have to do to try and control it, to calm yourself down or make yourself happier?  Do you have a happy place? Who knows maybe you don’t need one and your one of those lucky ones that are always calm and happy, nothing really gets to you. If that’s you, well then you should feel very lucky. I don’t think there are too many people around that has that gift like you.

For me, I would say it’s simple, but honestly, it just depends on what level of mode I’m in. If I’m mad then maybe I just need to hang out with my family or friends, kick back and laugh a little. I mean having 10 nephews and nieces definitely doesn’t hurt, whenever we get together in a four-hour span there is always at least two or four cries that whole time by them. It’s a madhouse but I love it. If I’m like six or a seven mad, then maybe I just need to walk a little and stretch my legs to calm down.

My Go To

Maybe I just need to journal for a little or work on my books. Working on something that can distract me, but will also have the potential to help me down the road is also a good bonus. If that doesn’t work, then lifting weights is definitely a go to. If I’m angry and seeing red then I need to be alone, and definitely, go to the gym and throw some weight around. I need to inflict pain on myself and that’s the best way to do it. Plus as an added bonus I will feel much better after and get stronger, so really it’s a win-win.

That’s why our Happy Place, or are alone time is so important and so crucial to our sanity. Everyone has to be able to blow off some steam at some point, whatever it is. Some people handle it and go about it all differently. It really doesn’t matter, whether it’s yoga, knitting, or reading. If it makes you happy and brings you back down and calms you, then who cares what people think.

Make The Most Of It

I’ll be honest there have been times where my friends wanted to do something or go out. Most of the time, it was because I wanted to journal or work on my books. I didn’t care I needed that me time, and every time I did that it brought me that much closer to finishing my book. Now, are they published or do I have representation, well no unfortunately not yet. Yes, if you are wondering it SUCKS and if you weren’t wondering well now you know. That’s life though, everything happens for a reason and you just have to roll with it.

I’m drawing a blank on who said it or the quote itself. “We each have a hand of cards and that’s all the cards we have. What you make of it and do with them is what you get out of life.” Hopefully I didn’t mess it up too much, hopefully, you understand what I’m saying. Life is what you make of it, some days it won’t be pretty. Some days it will be awesome, others you’re just going to want to crawl into a hole and hide. After those moments and whatever you do with them, that’s the kind of life you’re going to have. Make the most of that hand you were dealt, or just fold and give up. What are you going to do with that hand?