I Was Blind

Missed Out

I can’t say when this thought first popped up in my mind, but I would say from an early age. I always wondered what it would be like to be blind or deaf. If I had to pick one I would think being blind would be the hardest one. But I guess realistically the hardest one would be the one you have it doesn’t matter which one. But here’s the kicker, for most of my life, looking back I was blind and didn’t even know it. Not the normal blind you think, I was blind from the world and not taking advantage of it. I was blind and let the world past by me more then I would like.

I can’t say this enough. When I vent and talk to you about my struggles my negative mindset or the dark parts of my life. Everything I share with you is what was going on between my ears. All of those bad thoughts and my poor attitude was inside of my head. Growing up I had an amazing family and had both parents. How many people can say they had both, unfortunately, not many. I can’t stress how lucky and blessed I am for our relationship.

Mind Tricks

Ever since I was a kid in the back of my mind I tried making my life, my story, worse off than it actually was. It’s unusual and sad, I know. I thought if I had people telling me I won’t be successful then that would motivate and push me more in life to make something of myself. Thinking to myself that I could turn a negative and bad situation into a better one and use all of the negativity around me to push me to be better. But instead, I didn’t have that. I had great people around me and supporting me. Things had to change and I had to be the bad person and that negative person to push me and make myself believe I wouldn’t be successful and help push me out of my comfort zone myself.

I was so focused on figuring out what God wanted me to do. Thinking to myself what’s my purpose in life and what does he have planned for me. Now having that mindset is not a bad thing and I won’t apologize about thinking that way and having that attitude towards life. But I will say one thing with having that tunnel vision and searching for my ultimate purpose. It did prevent me from enjoying the moment and enjoying the ride alot more.

Wouldn’t Change A Thing

I didn’t enjoy the moment as much as I should have or could have. But overall it was a bumpy ride and I wasn’t happy. I hated who I was and the person I was. I was a loser trying to search for my ultimate purpose and start fulfilling Gods plan for me.

How I saw my world and my version of it was a dark tunnel. I was at one point and at the other end was God’s plan and purpose for me. So why wouldn’t I want to go find it? I did want to find it, but the only thing is I wanted it now and my way and wanted to start living it right away and start enjoying myself more. Little did I know in my early 20s was the hardest couple of years of my life and it was all a part of the journey I was supposed to be on.

Part Of The Journey

I was so focused on finding the light at the end. Looking for that big red exit sign for my purpose and calling, I missed one important thing, I missed life, I missed living and enjoying the ride. I only figured it out a few years ago but everything I went through was all part of my journey that I was supposed to go on. For years I thought I screwed up and missed something or messed something up. Everything I went through I now know was all part of my journey.

Now looking back could I have made some better decisions, well, of course, we all could play that game. The what-if game, but what good really comes out of doing that? Is it natural to play that game and wonder, of course, it is? Is it wrong to play that game, sometimes and I think it has the potential to end up hurting us more than doing good?

Turn The Light On

I was blind for so long and was caught up in my little world. In my head, I never thought I could find a way out. Thinking that tunnel I was in was going to go on and on for the rest of my life. I never thought I was going to get out. I didn’t know which way was the correct way I kept getting turned around and it felt like I was backtracking.

But that’s life sometimes we don’t know which way is the right way, which decision or opportunity is going to be best. Sometimes you have to go with your gut and think which feels right. Now I can happily say I can see now and its amazing what I see but it’s also a little sad.

Part of me wanted to be mad with my poor attitude towards life. Thinking at everything I missed or didn’t do. But the other side of me is thinking, there is so much darkness in the world and its sad. What’s also sad is there is also so much good in the world. But for some reason, the bad is more interesting to people and sticks with us more sometimes. I think it’s about time we start turning some lights on in the world and make that darkness disappear for good. That last line is a line from The World Through Bella’s Eyes, coming out soon.

Work On Yourself

What Do You Want

Work on yourself is very simple and straightforward. But how come for some, it’s so hard to do and it’s like pulling teeth to work on yourself? Now if you would have asked me when I was younger, working on my weaknesses and trying to get better. I would have been in that pulling teeth category unless it was sports then I might do it. I’m not saying I’m anything great but everything changed, now look at what I’m doing? I’m embracing my weaknesses and faults and my work ethic has changed.

If I hated working on myself and trying to talk about my flaws and weaknesses for most of my life growing up. How did I change, or more importantly what changed and why? Again I’m not saying I’m anything great or anything special I’m just talking out loud and trying to figure it out.

My Reality

I think it all started because I didn’t like myself. Sorry, that’s an understatement I hated myself. I thought I was a loser, not successful, no potential and thought God made a mistake in creating in me. Is this a stretch with what I thought, no this is the honest truth? These thoughts flood through my veins from ages 6-25. Now I’m not saying this for a pity party or for you to feel bad for me. This is what happened and I need to fix it, simple as that. I chose to have this mindset and think this way, now I need to fix it.

When I started writing over eight years ago. I started writing for one thing and one thing only. Writing gave me hope, writing gave me a feeling and purpose that I never felt before doing anything else. From 21 until now all I thought about was writing and becoming an author and doing that full time.

My Vision

What didn’t drive me and push me into the writing world was money and fame? I don’t like being the center of attention and I hate speaking and talking to others because I’m very self-conscious about my flaws and what I struggle with to this day and I don’t think I’m good enough.

Now did I dream and imagine what it would be like to create a career like John Grisham or J.K. Rowling, your absolutely right I did? But it wasn’t for the money and my own pockets. It was because I wanted to entertain others and help others and if money followed and it paid me enough to do this full time then that is an added blessing and bonus if you ask me.

Priorities

I want to entertain people, and I believe I can with my “flaw” of mine. That “flaw” you could say helped put this crazy idea that my dyslexic self could become a published author and go and write books for a living. Well, I have published one and it was the second greatest moment in my life. It was very close but getting married and finding Lindsay will still always be number one in my books, pun intended haha. Then if we’re lucky enough and we have kids one day, then it will go Lindsay, Kids then writing at number three.

I always thought getting married and having kids was going to be way harder for me than publishing a book. I didn’t like myself, I didn’t believe in myself, I hated and resented myself. From a young age, I always believed I was going to do something special, I just didn’t know what.

Real Life

Now my writing is opening up doors I never could have dreamed. For starters this coming year I will be going back to my old high school and working with some kids like me. That alone I can’t even fathom thinking about. Now I’m going to be going back and talking to kids about my story my experience and what I have learned. I feel like it was only yesterday I graduated from high school. Now I’m going back 11 years later as a friend, to try and help kids just like myself. Kids who might be in similar situations like I was at there age.

In about a week, I will be publishing my second book that I co-wrote with my beautiful wife. That’s something I never could have dreamed about, a lot of this I never dreamed about. None of this wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t keep working hard every day. Some days sucked, some days were hard, but others were great days and I’m grateful for all three.

Work Is A Must

I know it’s easy to focus on the bad and the bad sometimes always outweighs the good. Wait, that’s an interesting phrase, that would be a good blog post, ohh wait I did that. Don’t worry, it will be posted soon.

As long as you’re still breathing then you should always work on yourself every day, it should be a priority. Will it always be fun, no it won’t. Will it be hard and uncomfortable, of course? That’s why they call it work, it’s not always going to be fun. But it will make a bigger difference than you ever could have imagined.

Now Is The Time

That’s why I challenge you to always work on yourself. This phrase work on yourself came from Trent Shelton a great guy that I have been following for a while now. Never stop working on yourself. The moment you stop to work on yourself, I believe is the moment you give up on yourself and you don’t care anymore and are checked out.

That my friends is a sad way to go out. Just imagine if you worked a little harder, tried a little harder and gave a little more effort? Just imagine where you could have gone and what you could have done. Now is the time to stop imagining about it and start making it happen.