I cannot wait, until the day I become a father, and hear those words “Dad”. This is just something I have been thinking about a lot lately. All though, it scares the crap out of me, there is nothing I want more in life. Sure don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to be married and be with my wife. Yes, I know I’m trying to build my website up, and finish the details on my books and trying to share my story with you. Yes, those are all great things in all, and I hope they all come true. I pray they will all come true. I just think becoming a father, is more important to me then everything else.
Now as much as I want to become a father, at the same time, nothing scares me more than having kids. I know it’s a catch 22. I pray for that moment to finally happen. Also, thinking to myself, will I be a good dad? My family all shared with me multiple times, that I will be a good dad one day. I mean they would know, with me having 10 nephews and nieces. I have had a lot of practice over the years. After all, I have been an uncle since I was 11 years old.
Thinking to myself
I still can’t help and wonder, what about my issues and faults? If you have read my earlier posts so far, you have figured out that I have had some personal issues that I have been battling for a while or still working on. Now it terrifies me to pass on my learning disabilities and all of the side effects that I picked up along the way. My anger issues, lack of confidence in myself, and everything else that follows. Now I have all of my own personal stuff I’m trying to figure out as well, it’s a lot.
That’s why after all of this time I’m nervous to become a father and a husband. Who knows what side effects I might pass to them? I don’t want them getting all of my bad traits? Sure there’s a chance that it might not even happen, this is true. Again how I said earlier, I’m always thinking a few moves ahead. This isn’t something that just popped into the back of my head recently. I have been thinking about this for years now. Probably going back to my early 20’s maybe, is when I started thinking about becoming a father. This has been in the back of my head for a long time now.
I’m sure I’m, not the first person to ever think this or be terrified. I’m sure it happens all of the time, I get that and I understand. Again I guess it’s just me looking at my history and everything that I went through. I just wouldn’t want my kids to be Dyslexic and have any of those issues that might follow. After all, I know firsthand what it was like. Feeling stupid, different, almost like an outcast most of my life. No kid should be having these thoughts and feelings.
Now at the same time, I think being Dyslexic and having my LD problems. Was the best thing that ever happened to me? I believe everything happens for a reason, that’s number one. So this is all planned out and a part of my journey here on earth. With having all of these issues and being down and in a dark place for so long. If my kid or any kid, which again is why I’m trying to do this. Help kids and make them happier and overcome these issues and problems they are battling every day. I think that is one of the reasons that give me hope that I will become a great father. Well, maybe not a great father, but you get the idea.
I have seen my sisters raise their kids; I see my parents be grandparents and parents sometimes. When my sisters had to discipline their kids and go through the bad times, even the good times. It might not look like I was interested or paying attention. But I was definitely taking it all in and soaking it up. Seeing how they handled the situation and what they did. Sure am I going to screw up and learn some stuff along the way? Of course, I will, I mean that’s going to happen with anything you do in life.
In the end
Even with all of my personal issues and baggage that I’m bringing to the table, I think the pros still outweigh the cons in this situation. When I get married, or if I’m lucky enough to ever get to that point. Once I’m ready and get that point in my life. Who knows, it might not be as bad and as scary as I’m picturing now? This could just be my mind, once again, playing tricks on me and looking at the bad more than the good.
With that, I’ll still take that chance with no hesitation. If you ask me if I want kids tomorrow or two years from now, the answer will always be yes. Sure, my mind will start wondering and racing thinking about this happening or that going wrong. But yet again, that’s just me. I’m always thinking a few steps ahead trying to prepare myself for what’s next. Until that time comes, I guess I just need to keep practicing being the best uncle, and brother and son I can be.