105 Is A Stupid Number

Rejection can be hard, especially 105 plus times. I’m sure we have all have gone through it at one time or another in our lives. Yes like most things, some more than others, some had it worse or easier, of course, that’s life. Not everybody is going to go through the same issues, roadblocks whatever you want to call it. Some are going to be more serious and life threating, or as simple as getting rejected by a girl and finding out she’s not into you. Another example might be, if you email agents about your book and you get no, after no, after no. Let’s just say the last few months, I’m starting to hate the word no haha.

This might sound dramatic a little. Seeing everything first hand I feel like I would know more than anyone else. I have been rejected a lot, and have been through a lot. When I found out about my disability and I was different than every other kid in my grade. Going back to when this all started 20 plus years ago. I know firsthand probably more than most what it feels like to get rejected, time after time.

Rejection Is Never Easy

Again it wasn’t all bad and horrible; please understand that there were definitely good moments and happy times. Unfortunately, no matter how good the happy times and exciting times are. It’s true what they say the bad always outweighs the good. Well, it will always outweigh the good, only if we let it of course. We need to keep in mind it’s all in our mind and how we handle and react to everything. It’s our mindset that makes a difference.

As far as rejection it all started back in the day when I had to change schools. The school I was attending at the time couldn’t help me so I had to move on to something else. When it came to dating, for example, a different side to it if that’s how you interrupt rejection. Well, I never had an “official” girlfriend or with someone long enough I guess you could say to call it that. My track record definitely isn’t the best.

Strike 3

A few examples and encounters I had over the years. One never called me back after our first date. Another it was kind of mutual, we just stopped talking. Another I thought she seemed interested but then I was wrong. I found out, even though I was told by an anonymous source. She thought I was cute and funny and all of that, she didn’t feel a connection. Another one we were talking for a while, then next thing I knew she had a boyfriend. Another strikeout haha, whatever it happens that’s life.

As much as I want to get married and hopefully someday have a family if I’m lucky enough. I think to me as hard as it was going through those “relationships” I guess you could call them that. To me getting rejected for my book in the end I think was worse. As far as dating ok I haven’t found the one or I have just been unlucky, ok I accept that and it happens. I just have to keep putting in the effort and keep searching.

Hard Work

For my books, I have put hours and days into creating them and trying to turn just a random document on my computer into something special. I’m an artist trying to turn a blank canvas into a masterpiece. I feel like I finally found my purpose and what it is that I’m supposed to do now.

As the saying goes I’m not blowing smoke. Ask anyone in my family, they have all said and made comments about how committed I am to this giant project I’m working on. Yes, I have gotten a few lectures from everyone through the years. Your young go and enjoy life why you can before you get older and miss out on life.

My Family

I love my family and would do anything for them to protect them and help them out in any way. In this case, though, they are wrong and I 100% disagree with them. Sure I hang out with my friends and everything once and awhile. Life is short I don’t want any more regrets so that’s why I have been working my tail off for the last six years.

They are right, life is short and it goes fast, that’s the reason why I have worked so hard and put so much into this over the years. Here is my life the last six years by the numbers. Book one TWTDME-196 hours and counting that’s just over eight days. Book two, I’m not going to share the names for the next two. Not yet at least haha, 90 hours almost four days. Book three about 85 hours, three and a half days.

With all the time and hours I put into these books and trying to bring these stories alive. Imagine how you would feel getting rejection letter after rejection letter, 105 times? In the back of my mind, it’s hard not to start thinking. Well crap, maybe this isn’t what I’m supposed to do. Now what do I do, I’m back to square one?

My birthday is March 25 and the day before I sent my first email to an agent looking for representation. From 3/24-8/11 was the last email I sent looking for representation. Within those five months, I have sent exactly 305 emails to different agents looking for someone to rep me. Within that time I have received 105 emails saying the same thing, thanks for contacting me but it’s not for me, or I’m not the right agent for you.

Tunnel Vision

I’m so focused on what I think I’m meant to do, again I have never been this focused working on my craft and determined before. I will send 1,000 emails if I have to. I have had blinders on the last three years, that’s when I took my writing to the next level. Now I think I’m on to something; all I need is one person to bite and give me a chance. Again it sucks I’m not going to deny it and lie to you. That’s why I built this website. A few of them explained my network and my following isn’t big enough to back me quite yet.

I can’t deny that in this new field I’m entering yes I’m a newbie. That’s why I’m doing this; I’m taking matters into my own hand, again. There were some days I was sad and upset about it, and I let it get the best of me. I lied there were a lot more than some, it was bad for a while. We have all been there I’m sure at one time in our life, who hasn’t? What makes you and me different, is how long you stay there and what you do when you come out of that funk you’re in.

I’m Not Normal

You can just accept it and stay down why the world or whatever had you down keep kicking you. Or you get up rise and do something about it? You do whatever it is you have to do to keep going, keep fighting and keep working toward whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish and chasing after. Whatever the situation might be, as a dyslexic kid entering a field realistically I probably don’t belong in, or is quite like everyone else in that field.

You know what who cares, screw normal and forget what everyone else says. Yes, if you haven’t noticed I can’t spell, or my grammar is bad and I’m definitely not the smartest kid I’ll admit that. What makes me different is I had to think outside the box my whole life, I’m not like everyone else. I’m different and I’m proud of that now, I wasn’t always proud before. I don’t want to settle and just be an average Joe anymore living a life that’s safe and secure like a good percentage of people do. We only get one life and one chance here on Earth.

Accept It

I have been scared my whole life, I have kept to myself my whole life, and lived in my little box where I thought I would be happy and ok with where I was. Not anymore, once I fell into writing and journaling and started back on August 6, 2011, was the first day I started my book. So happy anniversary to me I just passed seven years of writing haha.

I would rather commit and put everything I can into it and do the best I can. After 10 years I fail and it doesn’t work out, well that sucks but I have to accept it and move on. Looking back, I will be proud of the effort I put in and realized it’s not what I’m destined for. It’s just another step in my life. I would have rather taken that chance and rolled the dice, then settle for a desk job that whole time.

You Can’t Let It Stop You

Another example is what I had talked about earlier about 2Pac. He died at 25 but look at what he did with his career? Yes, he died at a young age and it’s sad, but look at what he accomplished? I would rather commit and make the most of my life in a short span on earth, then be around for the long haul.

I would rather die at 50 and do everything I could in my power to make a difference, help others and use my story to impact people. That would be more rewarding to me, then living into my late 90s and just keep to myself and just be average and go with whatever happens and live inside a box. You decide what you want to do with your life. Do you want to go after something and not let rejection and failure control you and your outcome? Or do you want to be this guy and keep running and running doing the same thing over and over and not going anywhere in life?

Keep Working

That day changed my life, and that’s when the process of the new me started to develop and the real me was starting to come out. Sure it’s been a working progress; again it’s a process it will take time, it won’t happen overnight. I can’t be scared anymore and I’m not, honestly what else do I have to lose. Maybe I won’t be as big, or even the next John Grisham or J.K. Rowling.

If that’s the case then it wasn’t meant to be, I guess God has something different planned for me. If I don’t try or I just decide after getting 105 rejection letters about my books and said screw it I can’t do this anymore, I’m done. Again we all have different paths and journeys were on. I know in the beginning it might be scary taking that leap of faith and going after what you want to do or what you have a passion for. Trust me I know, I took that gamble and leap and I jumped.

Was It Risky

January I dropped down to part-time at my job to try and pursue this career, was it a gamble absolutely. Do I regret it yet, no I don’t? Sure I miss the paycheck, but where I was at that time I was not happy. I knew this wasn’t for me, and something had to be done and I had to do something about it. I took that leap, maybe it won’t be as extreme as mine. Again we only live once. My first 20 years I feel like I wasted them and wished them away.

Sure I was a kid I didn’t know any better. This was all new to me, and I was learning. It’s a hard time for a kid trying to figure out what’s next. All I know is these last seven years have been filled with ups and downs of course, and defiantly a lot of low points I won’t lie about that. Even though those low points and hard times I was in, I have never felt so alive before in my life through that time period. Even though I took the gamble and I felt alone, depressed and angry for so long, it felt good to finally be able to feel something for a change. It wasn’t a healthy or good feeling, but it was still a feeling.

Go Through That Wall

What are you going to do about it, let rejection get the best of you or let the wall in front of you stop you? Are you going to keep working and try and find a way around it, over it or through it, maybe under it? If you want it bad enough then you will do whatever it takes to get to where it is you want to go. I’m in that moment right now, I have made up my mind. I decide I’m going all in; I’m fully committed and ready to take that gamble. I don’t want any more regrets in my life, yes I’m young still but the regrets I already have in my life our more than enough at this point, I don’t need anymore.

Life is supposed to be fun, we need to start acting like that. Making the most of it and living it up. Are you going to let 105 people prevent you from accomplishing your goals and chasing what it is you want to become? Or are you just going to play it safe and settle? Set up shop where you are and be scared your whole life?


I made up my mind that day seven years ago. I have been working and trying to better my craft every day by putting in the work. Now I know what I need to do; I gave up a lot and missed out on a lot of opportunities. Looking back at it now, what I know now. What good would those opportunities have really taught me, the answer is nothing? I’m willing to sacrifice certain things to get there and make those dreams and goals a reality. Not just for myself or for my family, but for you and for making a difference in the world. Doing my best with the remaining time I have left, do you?

4 thoughts on “105”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.